To be worried about losing my boyfriends interest (emotional affair)?

[Raen]

We've been together for over a year and lately I've noticed that on some days there isn't much energy in his conversations to me. He is going through a very busy time at work so I put it down to that.

But lately we both signed up to Bluesky and I noticed him chatting to a woman on there about a week ago off hand. I took a look at his public messages and they chatted yesterday and again today when he complimented her bike. She replied enthusiastically and he replied again. Lots of '!' going on.

I'm getting almost none of that energy currently. I feel the relationship is strong and stable, so it hasn't bothered me but now I'm wondering if I need to be worried. We still talk every day.

If he is losing interest I think im a catch and I don't hang on to someone that wants to be free.

Is there a way for me to approach how i'm feeling without throwing accusations at him?

Basically I've noticed an increase in these messages.

I don't want it to ramp up more. But I also don't want him to know I've been snooping. I wonder if there's a way to hint at it?

What do you know about this woman? Does she live nearby?
I wouldn’t like it and would keep an eye on it. You have every right to ask who and what the messages are about, but then he will be on notice and may hide it.

Lots of additional info needed.

Does he know her in “real” life?
Does she live nearby?
What do they talk about, aside from her bike?

@coldcallerbaiter she lives about 3 hours away

I'm not sure it matters much as he's often in the go for work.

It's difficult because I don't like getting a one word response to something and then looking at a totally different type of reply to her. But also feel I can't raise it.

I don't know if he knows her in real life. It's possible they've met. There's an air of being a stranger and getting to know each other in an excited manner about it.

Yesterday she was posting she was exhausted from work and he replied he felt the same, she said hope it gets better for both of 'us' soon etc. He is going through a hard time and has been getting plenty of support from me.

You don't need to reference the messages to have the conversation you need to have. You've been together a year, which is still early days and a time for you to both be deciding if this is going to continue to long term commitment, or fizzle out and both move on. His behaviour towards you regardless of the messages, suggests it might be the second, so there's no harm in a conversation to discuss that. Tell him you've noticed a shift. Is it still what he wants because if so there needs to be some changes to how he interacts with you to keep you on board.

Kindly, he’s just not that into you

you don’t want to fight for someone’s attention this early on

@5128gap The truth is that tonight I'm feeling upset because I don't just want to let it fizzle out. It has been a good relationship so far. Recently has been hard because I've had a bereavement and he's had a terrible time at work.

Also last week he was sending a lot more messages, now back to nearly nothing. It tends to be ebbs and flows lately.

We're supposed to be going on a winter break in a week but yes this has me a little worried

I suppose this is probably a better way to approach it.

Focus on the relationship itself and try not to get angry. I've been singing his praises to my family just last weekend and hoping he would be the one. Its hard not to take it personally. I still want to be with him.

I think if you approach it from a position of his behaviour not being right for you, then you will get some guage on where he's at. If his priority is you, then you should see effort made. However if he has other 'interests' he may not bother to up his game.

@5128gap thank you. I do think he still loves me but it's not as exciting anymore. We had a great holiday in October but life has been a slog since foe both of us.

He was the one that convinced me to join stupid bluesky, so he must know I can see that stuff!

The honeymoon ends. Stability is nice as long as the passion is still there. I don't like to think he's off seeking that high elsewhere while we are in a monogamous relationship.

Also as an example, we have our love of cooking as an example. We often share dishes or interest in what we're making that week, etc.

So I told him im making a risotto tonight and that is was my first time making it for years. Usually he'd ask what kind or ask me to share the cooking video etc. He replied 'ha :)'

An absolute nothing response.

There is nothing worse for a relationship than talking about the relationship, what you need to do is shift your focus off him and on to something you can do that makes you happy, a hobby anything collecting frogs as long as you perk up through some kind of individual endeavour he will then find you more interesting. And your relationship will start to sparkle again.

@stargazerlil thanks. I get your point.

The good news is I'm in a Christmas musical this year and will soon be busy with that.

Long term though I don't want to have to sparkle all the time to keep his attention. At the end of the day I've been going through a bereavement this past month and it's not always going to be possible.

Good Xmas cheer, I’m not saying you need to sparkle for him, you need to sparkle for you. And I’m sorry for your loss.

@stargazerlil oh that's true, I do don't I? 🙂

Doesn't help when you're already low, your partner doesn't seem interested and another is getting the attention.

Thank you. I'll turn the attention back on myself 💐