ABIU to go on a date as a single mum

[YourAmberHam]

My DD is 4 years old she doesn’t have a dad (his choice) and i have never been on a date or anything in her life I have never been on a night out I have put her to bed every single night of her life and been there every single morning when she wakes up I have occasionally gone to a friends house after she’s gone to bed (recently moved back in to my DM) I have been asked on a date with someone I used to date years ago but at the time it very much felt right person wrong time. We’re going out from 1pm to go hiking and then out for a meal and will probs be home no later than 10pm but will unfortunately miss daughters bed time.
I feel like the worst person I really want to go on this date as I really like him and to me it’s a perfect date. But my DM says I’m being unfair to her
ABIU to go and not be putting her to bed?
I was thinking to go after her bed time but we live about an hour away from eachother so it would be approaching 8.30 by the time we meet up

I think that to be a good and happy mum it's helpful if you're a good and happy person first!

Go on the date, enjoy yourself! One evening is nothing for your daughter as long as you let her know and prepare her for it!

Go go go

Thank you, mum guilt is a real thing! I feel like I’m picking a man over my child. Tbh I think my DM just doesn’t want to put her to bed and I’m going to get phone calls with my DD crying

Your 'D'M is being obnoxious. Of course it's OK for you to go on a date and miss her bedtime. It's pretty normal for parents to go out and have someone else put their child to bed once in a while - the fact that it's a date is irrelevant. Parents get babysitters or help from family all the time to put a four-year-old to bed from time to time.

If you and your DD's dad were still together, and you wanted to go on a date night with him, I bet your DM wouldn't be guilt-tripping you over missing your DD's bedtime.

You are absolutely entitled to and deserve to go on the date. If you were coparenting you wouldn’t have put your daughter to bed every night, so it’s incredible you have done this for 4 years. I would suggest getting a babysitter if possible as the guilt from your DM and risk of her calling if DD gets upset is unfair.

You need to go on this date if possible. Why is your DM being so unreasonable and controlling.

She does have a tendency to be like this. Last time I went to a friends house after bedtime DD saw me leave from her bedroom window and my DM rang me on FaceTime to watch her hysterically cry for 35 mins and it completely ruined my takeaway night with a friend.
I really want to go and will be going but she’s going on with herself that it’s unfair I never leave her and to leave her for half a day and miss bedtime is harsh and that any man that is worth dating after realising you have a young child out of respect shouldn’t plan a day date on a Saturday.

Why would your DM even offer to look after your DD if she doesn't want to put her to bed?

Does your DD have a good routine, bath, book, snuggles, bed or does she play up?

Get another babysitter! Your dm will do her best to ruin the date.

Clearly your mum doesn't want you to date, but then the thing with the hysterical facetiming does sound like maybe your DD is not able to go to sleep without you there. If so, maybe I don't blame your mum.
Could you go for the hike at 11 instead of 1 and have an early dinner and home for 8ish for bedtime? It sounds like this guy is a real potential for you and I'd hate to see it ruined by stress about your dd's bedtime.

No she’s actually amazing at bedtime she has a bath and I have a light system where I switch these push button lights on for each part of bed time so one for bath on for teeth etc etc she has to turn a light off for each one she’s often in bed with the light off before I’ve emptied the bath.
I’ve thought about asking my best friend to come and babysit but would be weird as my DM would just be sat in the house.
Im 33 and feel like she just wants me to be single the rest of my life 😒

I'd go, what time is your daughters bedtime ? Could you do an earlier date this time so you can relax and enjoy yourself without feeling guilty ?

You just can’t win I’ve just suggested that and now she’s saying it’s not about the bedtime it’s now unfair to leave her for that length of time when she’s been at school all week.
my date is very much like “there’s no pressure and if you want to change the times that’s fine” but feels that no matter how we change it she will still have a problem

Go on the date! Your mum doesn’t need to know the details.

However asking on MN isn’t the best place. You’ll get people telling you to be celibate until she’s 18 lest your DD is traumatised and others telling you he’s probably a pedophile

I have put her to bed every single night of her life and been there every single morning when she wakes up

This feels very intense to me and I was also a single mum. The problem is you've made a rod for your own back now. Personally I think it's good for young kids to have some experiences of staying over elsewhere, or someone else in the home babysitting. What would happen if you were rushed into hospital and physically couldn't be there?

My DC have had friends over the years where one will come and stay and end up crying for their mum. It's not nice for the child or the mum who then ends up coming to pick them up!

Your mum is emotionally blackmailing you and sadly I can see she'll make some excuse to mess up this date. You're not unreasonable to go on the date but you'll need to be assertive. It depends if you can do that.

Normally would say go for the date but you have a DD who was hysterical when you have left her before. How long ago was that does you D look after her during the day ever had to put her to bed before?

Oh God, your mum sounds awful OP!

I'm not entirely sure dating is going to work until you've moved out.

You sound like a lovely mum who deserves a night off.

The more you do this (and I'm not suggesting you should be doing it all the time), the easier it'll get.

I think it's fine for you to have a date,but asking your mum to babysit for 9 hours including bedtime is asking too much. Either go at 1pm and be back by 6pm to do bedtime or do bedtime and meet him later on.

When you start getting your little one used to the idea of bed time done by someone else other than you, the first few times need to be occasions where you can easily drop everything and get back home if needed. Not on a date!

Is there absolutely no one else that can babysit for you because it sounds like your mum is causing this guilt.

I hope you sort something and go , it's not like your going away for a week is it , it's a few hours fgs

You need to get out of your mum’s house. She doesn’t respect you at all. Would she start telling your child that you’re wrong to abandon her for a man? She doesn’t sound very nice so I’d be worried she might do that.