Friends not responding to messages

[pussinboots61]

I have two friends who are quite flaky when it comes to responding to messages. I do understand that people get busy, so do I, but I find it doesn't take long to send a text.

Some of my friends don't message every day and never have done so that's fine, its how they are and we message each other as we do. But these two particul\ar friends usually message regularly and I feel a bit put out because they seem to be dismissing my friendship.

Don't get me wrong, I don't expect any of my friends to only have me as a friend, I have other friends too. That isn't the issue. These two have made other friendships and seem to be cutting me out which is hurtful.

Friend one, I have known for almost thirty years now. When her husband died two years ago I was there for her and did everything I could to support her. She said I was like a sister to her and often called me 'Sis'. Another friend she had got back in touch with from her school days had been on the scene prior to her husband getting ill but she was a bit flaky with her and not in touch that much which she found frustrating. Then as soon as my friend's husband died, this friend was all over her, doing everything for her and all I've had from her since then is about how supportive this friend has been, she's always meeting up with her and contacting her but not replying to my messages, I have to prompt her and ask if she's OK and then she comes back with a chatty message. On the rare occasions we do meet she's always going on about how great this other friend is and fits in with her etc.

Friend two I have known for about eight years now. She is a good laugh but can also be snappy and a bit prickly at times. She used to contact me daily. Then two years ago she went on holiday and met up with some people from another city and has been friends with them ever since, she goes away with them every year, visits them and they visit her. Nothing wrong with that. But all I get now are how wonderful these friends are. She rarely messages me now but she's always on the phone to them. We went on a weekend away together two years ago and she was on her phone to them all the time sending Whatsapp messages. We met up two weeks ago for a meal for my birthday and it was the same then. Her phone was pinging every two minutes with them chatting about the Martin Lewis programme and she kept responding.

How do I deal with this? I consider them both as good friends but I am tired of making all the effort. I don't like cutting out friendships.

I hope you've changed details and they can't identify themselves. Personally I'd just let them distance themselves and not worry about them

How do you mean by changed details?

I've stopped bothering with friends who do this.

To me, its both rude and shows a lack of thoughtfulness.

Don't take this the wrong way, you come across as having real jealousy issues.
Let people like who they like! You can't force people to be on your beck and call and if for example you want a yearly holiday with someone you plan it with them yourself, don't moan that they holiday with other people and not you.

Your title doesn’t really match your post, though — it’s less that they’re not responding to messages than that they no longer seem to be that invested in your friendship?

I'm not jealous. If you read my post you'll see that I have acknowledged that my friends have other friends like I do. It is more about it being upsetting when I have been nothing but supportive and then get ignored or pushed aside. I think most people would find that hurtful.

As far as I'm concerned my friends can go on holiday with who they want but one of these friends arranged to go away with me last year and ditched me to go with someone else instead. Hardly good behaviour.

I don't expect anyone to be 'at my beck and call' as you put it but I do expect them to treat me with some respect.

you’re overthinking this. It sounds like the friendships have moved on /changed. It doesn’t sound like they’re ignoring you, because they are still in contact with you /meeting up. The contact has just become less frequent. Constantly checking the phone during dinner is rude, but says more about them as a person than the other friendship.
You seem to equate friendship with how often you see each other /how quickly the other responds, but good friends don’t have to respond immediately. You also seem to be clinging to the amount of contact that you once had (and I agree with Circumferences that you seem to be jealous of the other friendships because they have more frequent contact) and that makes you sound needy. But maybe this need felt /feels suffocating.
You clearly have a good heart as you helped as much as you could when the husband died, but did you ask her if she wanted help /what she wanted help with? Helping is wonderful, but not all help is helpful, if you get what I mean. Not everyone can offer the same type of support in moments of grief, it’s quite possible the other friendships simply was able to offer the emotional support she needed and that strengthened that friendship. But there is no need to be jealous of that friendship. I’d advise you to reflect upon what ia important in a friendship for you and ask yourself what is the binding factor in these friendships.

But they clearly don’t respect you, OP (if by that you mean pay attention to you when you’re together) and if they once considered you a close friend, they clearly no longer do. I think you need to come to terms with that, and to concentrate on other friendships, as they are. It hurts, but friendships don’t stay static. Yours might renew at some point after a fallow period.