AIBU to tell my DH to stop wasting his energy on people who don't help us

[Newname101]

We've had a major build this year, it took a lot longer than expected and the builder has left us, it's a mess.
DH has been working hard to get the house nice again, he had load of promises of help but no one came and helped so we've done it all. With Christmas round the corner I want the building materials tided up do we can do Christmas, we've family with small kids coming and I've had 7 months of boxes and tools and decorating shit everywhere. I think we should pause and get back to it in Jan.
So I was discussing this with DH and he says this weekend his helping x with something. X is very good at asking favours and giving nothing back. I got cross with DH as surely getting us sorted for Christmas in a safe and cheerful house should be his priority and x can ask someone else?
This year has taught me who we can count on and it's a small number.

You're right - this guy didn't help you out, so why would your husband want to spend his weekend helping him?

Tell your husband to spend that time fixing and tidying his own house and to stop people-pleasing entitled men!

Why don't you ask DH to get his friend to help you both next weekend, in return. If friend refuses, DH can perfectly reasonably wriggle out of his promise to help this w/e, on the grounds that he needs to prioritise his own home/family.

I don’t think you can tell DH he can’t help his friend.

However, I would tell him you won’t be doing anything to host Christmas if the house isn’t shipshape, so does he want to let his family know now, so they can make alternative arrangements.

I would go absolutely nuts at my husband if he pulled this stunt!
I would go around the house pointing out all of the jobs that still need doing in his home where he lives with his family until the dopey bugger got the message!
I can't stand men that are happy to slog their guts out for their mates whilst their families live in shit holes😤

Not everyone helps others in the expectation of getting something back. Your DH might have different reasons for helping - social time, likes the work etc. Especially as you say he's done a lot of work at your house- maybe he just wants a change of scene.

If you want him to do things that's valid too but I wouldn't approach it from the angle you're taking. Just tell him he needs to prioritise your own house first.

YANBU.

I lost count of the amount of times we took time off work and helped friends, one set in particular, move house as we have a van.

When we moved, no fucker turned up to help us, despite saying they would.

Once I noticed that I then became hyper aware of how much help and how many favours certain people wanted. Whenever they got in touch it was a “hey how are you guys” text almost always
followed up by a request for a favour.

What I found useful was explaining to DH that his ‘good guy’ act was wearing thin with me, and I was getting sick of hearing other people saying how wonderful he was, “oh he’d do anything for anyone” and I was going to start following it up with “yeah except for his immediate family” and really telling people how he would prioritise almost everyone else over us.

Omg 100% not being unreasonable
We had a chat and he's helping me sort out the house!

Well done!

I hope your house gets sorted. Sod anybody who doesn’t help you.

Dh has just put something in our group chat with everyone who could help this friend saying he needs help but DH is already busy. We've also done a charity shop run, a tip run and he's done a load of washing and cleared the offending corner and made me lunch.
Thanks all for reminding me it's OK to put us first.

I don't think that you are being given the whole truth; I could be wrong but in my neck of the woods it's not so much about ' favours' but where building work is concerned Guys tend to pay £££££££££ each other. Your DH is 'quids in 'by going to his mates project. Correct me if I'm mistaken.

No money will change hands, maybe a box 8f sweets for the teens. Round our way a favour is just that

I totally agree with you. I used to be the same as your husband but have learnt over time to not put myself out for people. Will help out if it works with my plans or means not to much hassle for me but will not bend over backwards for people now.

Couldn't agree more, Ladyluck22. I'm so sick of lighting myself on fire to keep others warm. Do you ever get a "thank you" for it? Not me, anyway. Just moaned at - fire's not hot enough, don't like the colours, I want a sandwich too.