Hen do abroad

[Pinkxmas1997]

Hoping someone else has been in this situation..so I am MOH at my best friends wedding, she is having a home hen which myself and the other bridesmaids are organising/paying for and I am so excited to celebrate with her!!

However..she is also having an abroad hen. I have a 5 month old baby which will be 7 months at the time..and basically I am not ready to leave my baby while I go abroad to party. Baby is bottle fed so that’s not an issue..I just don’t want to leave her for so many days?

She has asked me to go a few times and I have explained how I feel, however I know she’s really disappointed that I’m not going and I’m her MOH. Also doesn’t help that my partner is going on a lads holiday shortly after..but it’s just different??

what do you think? Am I being unfair?

I don’t think YABU, I would pay towards it either.

You are not being unfair at all. You are going on the home one, no-one is obliged to spend a fortune to go abroad for someone else's pleasure!

You've told her you can't go. You've told her your reasons. She needs to accept this and stop being a Bridezilla!

Also, who has 2 hen dos, 1 being abroad, unless they have family/close friends in another country that couldn't make it to 1? Even then, it should be different groups of people!

You had made your decision (which is the same of that i would have done at 5/7 months) and let her know in enough time. She should let this drop now.

Can you say to her nicely how much you are looking forward to the UK one and how you arent ready to leave little one.

Lots on people on MN hate abroad hen dos. I don't mind them but if you choose to have one then you have to accept with good grace that not everyone will be able to make it - time off work, children or other caring responsibilities, fear of flying, cost...

It's actually a tough one I think. Not really a right or wrong answer. It's perfectly acceptable to say no but it's also perfectly acceptable for the bride to want you there. You are the MOH, and I assume accepted that role knowing there are obligations/expectations on you.

I also fully understand you not wanting to leave your baby. I wouldn't have left my first child. By the second I would have been there in a flash!

Can your husband come too and bring the baby? Obviously stay separately but then you could see them

YANBU. They're still small at 7 months, plenty of mums wouldn't leave them at that age. They still need comfort etc.

And to be honest, you can say no to an abroad hen do anyway for any reason, kids or no kids.

Totally agree with previous poster - bride should do what they like and accept not everyone will be able to join for whatever reason.

I had a friend expected me to leave my 5 mth old baby for an abroad hen. Baby was bottlefed but during end of my friend told me I should "just stop breastfeeding" to go 🙄 In the end it was a wknd in England (we are in NI) and I went. My baby ended up at A&E with an infection while I was away. It was a complete nightmare. Noone's fault and very unfortunate - I shouldn't have gone. Wouldn't go again if in same position!

I think it’s fine to say no as this is the risk with hen dos abroad.

However, is there a compromise to be had? Could you go for one night? My MOH did this for my hen do (I would have been fine with her not coming though). As I’m sure you could be away from your baby for one night?

thanks everyone!! I feel much better knowing other mums feel the same as I am the only friend with a baby atm..I agreed to be her MOH before I found out I was pregnant😬(happy surprise) .The abroad hen is a 4.5 hour flight away and the flights only land at night from where I am so not really an option to go for 1 night😬 will just have to be a disappointment I think🙄

Having a young baby I wouldn't spend time and money on a hen do abroad. No way. I would just say 'no sorry can't sorry have a great time'.

I disagree with you to a degree. Most people when asked to be MOH won’t be thinking ahead and assuming a hen do will be abroad unless the bride very clearly states this up front. But even, circumstances change. The OP wasn’t even pregnant when she took the role. What about if the MOH lost their job or had a relationship break down so couldn’t afford to go? You think she should suck it up because 12 months earlier she agreed to be MOH? I wouldn’t expect a hen do to be abroad anyway if I were accepting that job! What if she had school age children so couldn’t take additional annual leave off to go?

But also - it’s a voluntary position. You are not obligated to spend potentially thousands of pounds to basically go on holiday because the bride decides they want more than just a night out in their local town.

YANBU and your friend is being rude by repeatedly asking you to do this.
If you feel bad you could volunteer to resign as MOH, perhaps this might bring her to her senses.

I think it’s time brides realised that nobody wants to spend time and money going abroad for their hens. Yanbu.

I don't think anyone should expect people to fork out for a medium range flight and holiday just because they are getting married! Let alone paying for a domestic and abroad one. Thankfully my hen do invitation days are over, but I always hated them, so probably biased.

I do think that before I had children, I wouldn't have understood how difficult it is to be away from your baby. I went to a wedding when ds1 was 6 months old. I had originally planned to stay overnight, as got the invitation while pregnant, but drove home again as I didn't feel up to staying a whole night away.

Not being unreasonable at all. I can understand her being disappointed, but your rationale is perfectly reasonable, and she just needs to accept it in good grace. I’m not sure why people get so het up about this stuff.

I wouldn't be going to an abroad hen do and I don't even have children. Just couldn't be arsed and it's a waste of already limited annual leave. Hen dos abroad are a piss take.

YANBU and I assume the bride doesn't have children herself which is why she's asked you more than once. No one I know would be happy to leave their 7 month old for days on end and fly 4.5 hours away! My DD is 18 months and I've never spent a night away from her (although she was breastfed until very recently and I only stopped due to being pregnant again) x

There's no right or wrong answer here. Just do whatever is right for your family. I do however believe that we need to stop being so judgmental about these things, men dont feel guilty so why are women made to.
I went on my DSIS abroad hen do when DD was only 4 months old. No I wasn't thrilled about it, but also, I didnt really want to miss my only sisters only hen do where I was bridesmaid. I also knew that I had a perfectly capable DH at home looking after her. On the other hand, my BIL left his DD at just 2 weeks old for an abroad stag and nobody batted an eye lid.
For me personally, being away from my DD for a few days had no detrimental effect on either me or her. She's 6 now and doesn't even know to this day that I was gone. But me, I have the most wonderful memories of being on holiday with a fantastic bunch of women who we all still socialise with to this day. We laugh and reminisce about it because it was one of the best experiences.
If youre not comfortable then thats absolutely your decision and your friend should understand that. But please dont be put off just because of some mum guilt we are expected to have for leaving our kids, society judges us so harshly for just living our lives. No wonder so many new parents end up depressed because we cant do anything without being judged. Its your decision either way, don't feel guilty no matter what you choose.

well, hen nights/dos
I'm all in favor of friends celebrating together but that's what it is essentially.

So if you can't be there, that's sad but do what you can.