Compromise at Christmas - would you?

[BrainSurgeon]

I just found out yesterday that on top of being a raging homophobe (which I knew about) my father is now also a nationalist actively supporting a far right candidate in upcoming elections in my native country. On our last call he used language that he would be arrested for in the UK. I have ignored his religious and bullshit for years and avoided confrontation. Now he has turned from moderate political views to far right. Unfortunately before this discussion about elections, I had invited my parents to come spend Christmas with me in the UK.
But I've got to a point where I feel that playing happy families at Christmas and ignoring the horrid festering pile of crap in my father's head is more that I can cope with.
AIBU to grit my teeth and do one last Christmas with him then NEVER AGAIN?
(for context, my mum is lovely but guilty of enabling him, I don't want to upset her as her health is declining and I treasure every second I can spend with her so really I'd just be doing this for her sake).

Do you have children? Because if you do I'd rescind that invitation, no child needs exposure to your father's views. No matter what you say it will come across as tacit approval.

I would definitely grit my teeth and see them, for the sake of your mum.
I would say to your dad that, for the sake of harmony, you are banning any talk about politics in your house over Christmas.

for me it would depend on what his reaction would be to you either taking the piss/asking him to stop/telling him to shut up.
Can he "agree to disagree" or will he just keep going no matter what?
Also, do you have DC? I wouldn't expose my kids to that sort of attitude

If you do have children, you can just explain to them that some people have opinions you strongly disagree with, but we love them for their other qualities?

As above - do you have children? Will he spout his vile views in front of them?

I would do it for your mum's sake.

Families often have these problems - my own family is riddled with it - and I have to ignore a lot of crap in order to be there for the more vulnerable members of my family and those who I am more aligned with.

I also have underlying/ unconditional love even for those who have extreme views, which I cannot shake (very annoying how love works at times!) 😅So I still care about them and don't really have much choice in that. I can't help it.

The only solution I have found - and it's not a great one - is an agreement to not discuss politics, and if it does come up, an agreement that I will simply leave the room and not be questioned or criticised for it.

(Edit: I do agree with the above posters that it's different if you have children - you can't subject them to it).

If those views are homophobic, racist, aggressive, I would be trying to keep children away from it, and I wouldn't be using the phrase "strongly disagree with".

I'd be saying "those views are horrible and wrong, and we don't listen to them. Sometimes people we love are wrong about things" - and emphasising the word "wrong". It's not subjective.

We have a rule for family get togethers that we avoid certain topics eg politics as we have such different views. Can you do that?

I never ever enabled my father's racism, sexism, homophobia and bigotry, nor his horrible anger. It got me assaulted on numerous occasions by him and to this day the entire family blames me for being the difficult one and ruining everything. And to this day, now he's dead, I don't care. I regret nothing and if I had my time again the only thing I'd do differently would be to hit him back and go to the police about him. My mother, like yours, is nice but totally enabling. She could choose to put up with him because she decided it was worth it for whatever she got out of being with him, I had no such compensation for his hideous company.

It's a highly personal choice. You do what's right for you. I'm just saying that it's entirely valid and moral to decide against it. I'd definitely not subject my kids to what I was subjected to.

I kept my DC well away from my brother between the ages of around 4/5 to 11/12 due to his opinions. Now they are late teens and can make up their own mind they do see him and find him pretty ridiculous
With my Mum I could challenge her and she would back down but my brother would just double down and get aggressive so we just laugh at him.

Any political or religious talk would be completely banned - I have been clear and firm about this.
I have a 16 year old and he knows (vaguely) that my father and I have opposing views, he won't be hearing anything from him

A friend of mine is German and we were talking about our grandfathers. Mine was a Nazi Hunter and hers was a …. She said that no one in the family supported his views and tried not to have anything to do with him.

At least your DF will show your children how not to behave.

I don’t think the options are DF spewing far right hate throughout the Xmas period or never spending Xmas with you again. I think you need to give him a chance to moderate his behaviour. Tell him there are certain issues not to be discussed in the family setting over Xmas and he needs to get on board with that if he wants to join in.

He will not talk about his views, that's not the issue.
My issues is that I just know what he's like and I am becoming intolerant to him as a person, if that makes sense.
Maybe I'm the horrible one.
I just struggle to pretend that all is great after what I heard him say.
I really don't like him at all

I think provided you feel your son is old enough to comprehend your stance on the situation (and I tend to agree that he is), it’s more important that you don’t punish your mum.

Also as our parents age, it becomes more important to recognise we may regret things when they are gone. I don’t think you will regret trying to look past this - especially for the sake of your mum - but you might regret not trying to.

I think it's a hard one. My own father is Russian and pro-Putin. Lives in the UK and constantly talks about how Russia is misunderstood and it's all NATOs fault. I have now gone low contact. My kids still see their grandparents but all politics talk is banned. It's very very hard. Not only do I not want my kids exposed to it but I am also tired of disputing it.

Well you are not a horrible person and you are not the only one that finds a parent difficult to spend time with.

It may want to make you want to give up on the relationship. But I think you should explore other options first. Maybe keep visits short and in a neutral setting. Or even in group settings where there is less one on one time.

Your DF has probably been radicalised online and it is increasingly common. This wouldn’t have happened 20 years ago. There may be a way you can find his views abhorrent but keep some compassion for him as a person. He’s not all one thing. He will be a complex person. Try to remember the other parts of him. It may even be a phase.

I think I know the type of rhetoric you are talking about . The previously unacceptable far right crap is getting a large and expanding audience in Ireland. I feel for you OP I have to work with colleagues that I always liked and admired that have made their positions known . I think a lot of people are dealing with this with family members too.

Thing is while I violently oppose their views they are entitled to have them. Rather than cut your parents off completely agree no sex religion or politics talk . At 16 your son will not be unaware of different views and will make up his own mind.