To feel a little smothered?

[Floflo2]

I have a newish work friend who I genuinely like. We both have kids. Hers are all teenage boys apart from one 5 year old DD. I have a 10 and 7 year old DD. She has a chaotic house hold and I genuinely think she likes to get out as they are always at home and she doesn't get a single day to herself literally as the older 3 don't go to school.

Anyway she is one or those people who wants to meet straight after the school run. I find meeting people at 9am a rush. I like to get a few bits done usually or have a shower etc when it's My days off. I usually start work at 6am so days off are also for recharging for me. She is also one of those people who wants to come round and stay the whole school day. I've gone out with her to breakfast and she still came around to mine after for the rest of the day. I enjoyed it that day and its fine. I dont want this to seem I'm moaning about her every move because I it's not like that.

The last 2 days however have felt abit like she's just taken over. Yesterday wasn't too bad. She said she'd be around after the school run to bring some Xmas pressies around. Found it abit odd as I'm recovering from a virus and its November. She came round for 3 hours before she had a shift which was no problem. Enjoyed the company once here.. today we had plans to go to town. Its been planned for 2 weeks. But my DD isn't going to school today as they are poorly. So I let her know last night. She was fine with it. But her reply was this.

"I'll go into town then come round after no problem"

I sighed to myself. I asked if she was going on the school run and stated I was free until around 2.30. She said her son was able to collect her youngest if she wasn't back on time. This has made me go into fake plan mode and I'm going to have to get my child dressed and stage going somewhere so I Can make sure she goes before my ex collects my youngest child at 3.30pm as its his night to have our kids. I genuinely don't want her staying later in the day as well as I have a male friend I see on my nights I'm child free at the moment. I've arranged to cook a meal tonight but its private and I am not mentioning him yet to anyone until things are clearer in the future in terms of it lasting.

So I've woken up feeling abit overwhelmed. It's my last day off..my sons poorly. I have got to get ready and clean up and wait for this friend. Then I presume I'll be sitting chatting on the sofa. I won't be able to potter about or have a nap and I don't feel I am able to give a time to date man until I have cleared the building later.

Am I just being easily irritable?

Just text her now and say I feel really unwell, let's take a rain check on seeing each other today.

‘Sorry that doesn’t work for me today. We can reschedule for next week/month/year.’

Some people need clear information.

I would feel completely smothered. She can't just say she's coming round, she should wait to see if she's invited.

Don't go into deep fake plan mode, tell her she can't come around.

Yanbu. I can see how it's easy to fall into this pattern. I have a school mum friend who is clingy with another mum and she started trying it with me. Inviting herself for lunch and wanting to come at 9.30 and stay till school pick up. You have to nip it in the bud or it gets to what you're describing. Personally I would cool off on her, tell her you've got a busy week but set one day aside for her to come round for a catch up. You need to be less available. Tell her you're ill or you're going out.

Rather than fake plan mode be honest: just text her and say 'hi x, can we reschedule today please, I'm looking forward to some alone 'me' time after dc onto Dads'. Let's catch up later in the week.

Thanks everyone. I'm going to say I'm going out at 2pm for today and then I'll try put her off more in the future. It does feel abit pushy when I've got a child off. It's a shame because she's a kind thoughtful person. I get she's lonely etc. But I don't like feeling restricted. I like to do my own thing and I dont particularly like sitting on the sofa. I rarely sit down in the day I potter and have music on. I will have to get through today and then get my boundaries down abit more. I just wasn't sure if I was being mean.

Morning. Yes, it’s too much. I’ve had a friend like that before. I actually have one now so I have to be clear. I explicitly say what I need. Tell her you love her company but when she gets to know you better she’ll see that you’re a person who needs time alone to recharge. You can tell her you’ve got a new book you’re excited to read or whatever. Make it clear that it’s nothing personal, you just need more time to yourself. It gets easier as you get older. I love my own company.

The power of no is wonderful.

Hi Claire, sorry but I’ve got plans (don’t explain what) but how about we do x on x day instead? I could do with getting out of the house. Shall I come to you for a change?

Be persistent and she’ll get the picture.

Yeah honestly just say you've got a lot on today and you'll message her when you're free

I voted YABU, for not saying that it’s not possible and having better boundaries.

I've asked for a reschedule. Told her we are going to try nap and stuff today which is true. I can't be bothered today.

I voted YABU because you're a grown woman and need to learn to say no! Glad to see you've put her off today. Keep this up, be honest with your friend about how often/when you're available and when you're busy.

It's a shame because she's a kind thoughtful person.

No she is not. I'm sure she has some good qualities, but a kind thoughtful person wouldn't dream of imposing themself like this on another person.

Oh my god. Who just goes round someone else's house for hours on end??

Why does what she wants trump what you want? If she wants to be around people all the time then she can find some other company.

I had 2 similar friends.. Once hid on the floor so they couldn't see me when they knocked!! Back before mobile phones!! Just agree to one morning /afternoon the it's 'Sorry I have plans the rest of the week' ...

Thanks all. I am so glad I put her off. I've needed today to be stress free and I've pottered about and had that much needed sleep. Dd is perking up watching cartoons. But we certainly didn't need company today.

This. Are you an adult able to make up your own mind ? She isn't forcing this on you, you are the one who is giving her all the messages that you enjoy it. Seriously, you entertain this woman and then come complain about her as if she's overbearing. All the examples you have given of spending time with her, you've said it was fine! So why make her out to be such a bad person when you are the one who encouraged it.

You need to say, "No that doesn't work for me." Say it often.

Why don't her 3 teenage boys go to school? Are they over leaving age, why aren't they at college or working, sorry to de rail but this really stood out, not surprised she wants to be out of her house all the time.

My thoughts exactly! I enjoy meeting friends for a coffee out for an hour or two, but bloody hell I couldn’t cope with someone sat on my sofa for an entire school day. I’d be itching to get some errands done!
OP, there are some good suggestions on here and to echo other posts- you are in control here and your friend cannot impose on you if you don’t want them to. Absolutely tell them it doesn’t work for you and don’t back down.

I sighed to myself. I asked if she was going on the school run and stated I was free until around 2.30

this is where you’re going wrong. Instead of telling her “Not today” (which is a perfectly valid answer and doesn’t need anything extra) you’re telling her you’re free till 2.30!
Get a grip of yourself and stop inviting her round for the entire day if that’s not what you want. And why on Earth are you not just telling her you want to get some bits done and have a shower etc so she can’t come round at 9?

I just cannot get my head around someone just parking themselves on your sofa all day?! Absolutely bizarre! It’s definitely time for boundaries here OP, I would be making it very clear the time she is invited over and when she needs to leave - a couple of hours max. It’s not like this is a catch up weekend with an old friend! You want to nip this in the bud now.