Sister upset, didn't invite to nephew's bday. Should we still go?

[Anuta77]

BACKGROUND
My sister has a 5 year old son from a donor. She’s oversensitive about him. Me, my mom and my sons (7 and 16) are his only family.
Also, her business failed (due to bad partners according to her), she lives in a flat she dislikes with noisy neighbors, other problems and a harassing manager, so I know it’s not easy for her.
My nephew likes going to our house, and my sister in general gets depressed at home, so many times she would call (more than once if I don’t reply) to come over usually saying that her son wants to see my son. My nephew often misbehaves, hits my son or breaks his toys, doesn’t share his, so while they end up having fun, my son doesn’t ask to see him really.
My weekend mornings are sacred to me and I can’t be bothered with making plans, so apparently, I once wasn’t very friendly with her. I explained why, but she clearly didn’t accept it.
Anyway, I remember that we did several activities with her over the summer and I didn’t keep track on who was initiating the plans. In Sept, she even got to stay a weekend at our 2bd cottage (where my kids slept outside in a tent, not to be crammed in our bedroom, while she got the kids bedroom with my mom). We seemingly had a good time. Next weekend, I called to invite her, she didn’t answer. The weekend after she told me off about me making her unwelcomed. I let it go.
Recently, she was sick, I came to help out with food, meds, cleaning the cat litter. I always listen to her when she talks about issues with her business, I encourage her, I give her clothing for her son. I signed a guaranty for her loan. Buy her stuff from Amazon.

THE PROBLEM
Last week, she contacted me for some kids’ activity because it was on special. I said that my son was invited to a bday. She asked about Sunday, but I was going to visit mom.
She: what about my son? You are not interested???
When I pushed for her to tell me what is the problem, she accused me of wanting to fight. Then accused my sons of not asking about her son(!), then got indignated that I preferred going to see our mom (75) whom she sees regularly. That apparently I’m not a victim to see mom just because DH goes to her town, I could just take the other car and go with her. And if I wanted to see mom, how come I didn’t tell her (she doesn’t tell me when she sees mom and I don’t think I need to know), so I told her that she was nuts and she blocked me. It was 2 weeks ago.

My nephew’s bday is this Sunday and she will do a party with his/her friends where she would normally want us. I need ideas on how to navigate this. I’m fed up of my sister exploding on me and don’t feel like interacting with her, but I feel bad for my nephew.

Just drop the rope. It would be good if she built up friendships outside the family. You don’t need to be sister/aunt/ and husband or partner substitute all at the same time.

I would just drop a present round tbh at a time when you know the party won’t be happening, anything else has the potential to be really awkward and you may well end up apologising for something you haven’t done just to keep the peace. It is going to get increasingly difficult as your kids get older and your younger son pushes back on the forced friendship, resetting some boundaries now is probably a good thing.

You need distance. She very demanding and emotional blackmails you to get her way. Her son will be ok.

Agree with above… give the present to your mum to o drop off.

Don’t go if she doesn’t invite you, just take a present round at a different time.

It sounds like she is too dependent on you, you don’t need to spend every weekend together (that doesn’t mean you don’t care about your nephew).

I can see it’s difficult for your sister as a single mum. But it was a deliberate choice to get into that situation and her own responsibility to have thought it through properly beforehand. She relies on you very heavily indeed and you do what you can, when you can. You can’t do more and shouldn’t feel bad if she is dissatisfied with the time you can give her. You have your own family to think about and that doesn’t mean you don’t love your nephew.

If you haven’t been invited to your nephew’s party then I wouldn’t think of turning up uninvited. But I would drop a gift and card round to his house the day before ready for him to open on his birthday morning.
I would also ignore her histrionics with blocking and not speaking and drop a note with the gift inviting your sister and nephew over for cake to celebrate his birthday at yours on the next weekend or whenever is convenient to you all. Up to her if she accepts or not.

Carry on doing what you can, but on your own terms not hers. And ignore her tantrums.

Definitely don't go. She thinks she's punishing you but she's done you a favour because you can use this as an opportunity to reset the relationship and put in boundaries.

Just drop a present round.

She does sound hard work but I'll tell you lone parenting is sometimes tough, maybe she is just really feeling the pressure at the moment.

Good opportunity for you to set some boundaries though.

The thing is that I used to be a single mom with my oldest and I don't remember acting this way. She gets help from my mom, gets to go to the gym on the weekend and sometimes to go out. She acted sh*tty with my mom too last year and I think my mom scaled down on her help.

Unfortunately I didn't yet reach the wisdom level where I can go past her ungratefulness (not that I need gratefulness as I wasn't doing charity) and invite her myself. But I guess I should think about it, because it's absolutely ridiculous to not talk again because I wasn't available to do an activity with her.

You can’t make her talk to yoy, though. She can sulk for a long time. I would just ignore her—but don’t over compensate. I would be direct “since you aren’t treating me well I am going to stop my usual family stuff. When you are over your shitty mood we can go back to being sisters.”

Unfortunately I didn't yet reach the wisdom level where I can go past her ungratefulness (not that I need gratefulness as I wasn't doing charity) and invite her myself. But I guess I should think about it, because it's absolutely ridiculous to not talk again because I wasn't available to do an activity with her.

Yes it’s ridiculous of HER, not you, to stop talking simply because you hadn’t the time SHE thought you should have for her exactly when SHE wanted it.
She is entitled. And she’s trying to provoke a reaction from you. Don’t give her one.

By inviting her for cake and a play you show her that

1. everything is normal with you, you aren’t taking offence/playing tit for tat
2. her silly tantrums don’t effect you at all (so not worth her repeating them)
3. you actually do want to maintain a relationship with your nephew.
4. you are willing to just get over it without a fuss -this time.
5. you decide what happens with your time not her.

Then if she repeats or escalates this nonsense again in the future, or comes but still isn’t talking to you, or doesn’t respond/turn up at all, I would simply leave her to get on with it….however long that takes. At least you will know that you tried, even in the face of her blocking you and not talking to you.

I forgot to mention that she was supposed to give me back the money for an Amazon purchase, it's been a month. I reminded her recently by email and still nothing (she has the money). Just adds to her unhinged behaviour.

"I am going to drop a present around, but I'm fed up of being your emotional punching bag. I'm not prepared to put up with the way you keep treating me."

Permavictim.

She makes unwise or downright stupid decisions but it's never her fault when it goes to hell.

Funny how all her business partners were the problem, that everyone else in her building is the problem, her family are the problem. But who is the common denominator?

I wouldn't go, leave a present for your nephew. Something that makes noise.
She sounds draining.
Use this as an opportunity to put distance between you.
Ask yourself, do you miss her?, put yourself first.

Sorry op, your sister sounds narcissistic, manipulative and childish.
I wouldn’t engage with her childish behaviour.

Drop a present round for your nephew. I feel sorry for him, with a mum like her.

Thank you everyone. She still hasn't contacted me and her son's birthday is today. Incredible to get upset supposedly because she cares about her son and not make peace with his only family...

This is very distressing for you but don’t let it drive you crazy. Aunts and sisters are nice to have but the two if them will manage. His life isn’t ruined by missing out on you for one birthday. If her exclusion of you lasts longer than this it would inevitably have happened at some point.

Maybe tell her by email that she can keep the money for son’s bday & Xmas present (less work for you) and then she loses more power. You don’t have to chase her & she has no moral high ground. She needs to stop being a victim to manipulate people. Sounds like you & your mum are sick of it and don’t believe it anyway. Call her out. Let her know that you have your own kids and she isn’t one of them and neither is your nephew. She is making it very difficult enjoy being around her and she she needs to start being honest and accountable - and to fucking grow up. Honestly, you don’t owe her anything. Why is she constantly asking you to explain yourself? She’s the one who owes you.

She chose to be a single mum. Let her deal with the reality of it. You’re not her emotional punchbag.

Drop in a present but walk off.

I'd tell her she needs to go to the drs to sort out some mental health medication and I'd distance myself from her and only see her when at my mum's house.
Give your mum a present for your nephew to take to the party.
You've had a lucky escape and chance to distance yourself.

When I finally saw her she first tried to act like nothing happened and when saw that I was not ok, became cold and said that I don't understand her as usual.
So looks like it's my fault...

She’s her own worst enemy 😔

But you can see that she responded to the boundary—as narcissists will—by pretending nothing happened.

Yes, I do suspect that she has narcissist traits which is a sad realization for me and which means that there's no solution other than keeping distance as she will never understand what's wrong.