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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to buy other presents?

15 replies

Percypigsyumyum · 25/11/2024 23:59

This year hubby and I and are kids are going to his parents for Christmas with his siblings and various children. My parents have very kindly been invited also. Due to the fact that there are lots of kids to buy for, to keep costs down we do a secret Santa on that side amongst the adults so only have to buy one gift. As my parents are there on Christmas Day, they have very kindly been included in the secret Santa.
However, I was chatting about Christmas shopping earlier and discussing what to buy for my side of the family (i have siblings, nephews and of course my parents). Hubby said I shouldn’t be buying my parents anything as they are in the family secret Santa, otherwise his parents are getting ‘stiffed’… this has made me really sad, I want to buy my parents gifts. On a childish note, if this is the rule it means I also get nothing from my parents for Christmas.
I’m starting to feel a bit resentful, this is his sides tradition not mine but I can (begrudgingly) see his point of view.

Am I being unreasonable to want to buy for my parents (and receive a gift from them) if they are in the secret Santa? Thanks x

OP posts:
Enough4me · 26/11/2024 00:01

Go ahead with your traditions too, as long as you don't do it in front of DH family. Would they buy DH a gift too win/win scenario?

nadine90 · 26/11/2024 00:04

Do your parents help out with things like childcare? I would want to show my appreciation to both sets of parents outside of the secret Santa - you could always gift them something on another day in the lead up. His too, especially to thank them for hosting you all. Wouldn't be bothered about receiving something from parents though - they might be relieved by the secret santa!

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 26/11/2024 00:07

Oh what a load of nonsense. Buy and give whatever gifts you and your parents like! It would be unfair on your parents to not receive anything other than a secret Santa generic giftset. Is dh scared it'll upset his dear mama?

MartinCrieffsLemon · 26/11/2024 00:14

Gift your parents something too
They're joining in secret Santa as invited as guests
But it's not your tradition. Just don't give them their gifts at the ILs

ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS · 26/11/2024 00:21

This is why I hate secret Santa. Well I don’t, I think it has a place like in work places, but families no as it get messy when invites are extended.

My family it has always been gifts for kids, no adults. If we choose to buy our parents anything that’s up to us but not expected. Cut off is 18yo, same for birthdays.

DHs family is wealthier and always do gifts for everyone. Since we had DCs we tend to do just kids with his siblings, I think they realised we are a lot poorer than them. We don’t spend Christmas Day with his family so not left out of any big presents exchanges. We meet either pre or post Christmas when just kids and grandparents gifts are exchanged. Occasionally we will throw vino and chocolates for the other adults but it’s 100% not expected.

ThisIsSockward · 26/11/2024 00:38

Yanbu. I wouldn't do it in front of his family, but definitely buy gifts for your parents, if you want to! He can give his parents a private gift at another time, too, if he likes, or take them out for a meal or something to make things 'fair'.

caringcarer · 26/11/2024 00:55

DH does his traditions you do your own traditions with your family.

Eenameenadeeka · 26/11/2024 06:27

Get your parents gifts but exchange them at a different time than at his family event.

Original poster
Percypigsyumyum · 27/11/2024 14:06

Thanks for the thoughts folks. I had a chat with hubby and persuaded him to my way of thinking! Xx

OP posts:
Lillixyng · 27/11/2024 14:13

Could you give yourparents a present on Christmas Eve and say it is a thank you for hosting. Only do it if you think there is a modicum of sense to what DH is saying. I don’t, I think it is nonsense.

KimFan · 27/11/2024 14:19

They are your parents. If he has such an issue with it, make any additional gifts just from you. That way, nobody can be perceived as 'getting stiffed'.
He is free to buy his family other things if he wants to, which he clearly doesn't.

Anewstart2024 · 27/11/2024 14:28

Percypigsyumyum · 27/11/2024 14:06

Thanks for the thoughts folks. I had a chat with hubby and persuaded him to my way of thinking! Xx

Glad you've sorted it out. In your shoes, I'd exchange presents with my parents but at a different time/ away from the in-laws

Original poster
Percypigsyumyum · 29/11/2024 20:52

So the drama has taken another turn...

Lots of moaning coming from hubby’s side that my parents aren’t meeting the expectations of the secret Santa. Haven’t posted enough gifts to choose from, haven’t posted the right sort of gifts etc. Basically hubby gets a phone call from someone in his family moaning about my parents, he in turn has a go at me about it. Becoming more obvious they didn’t particularly want to include my folks but felt they had to, it’s making it so much more ‘hassle’. I’m still grateful that my parents have been included, but it now feels like a bit of a pile on because I genuinely don’t see what my parents have done wrong. Sick of the whole thing and would rather just fuck it off and have Christmas with my own side and let husband have a cosy one with his own family.
I echo the sentiments of what other people have said on here - secret Santa is a hassle and a pain in the arse! I don’t think anyone can really advise on this I just needed a bit of a rant!

OP posts:
PassingStranger · 29/11/2024 21:23

Percypigsyumyum · 29/11/2024 20:52

So the drama has taken another turn...

Lots of moaning coming from hubby’s side that my parents aren’t meeting the expectations of the secret Santa. Haven’t posted enough gifts to choose from, haven’t posted the right sort of gifts etc. Basically hubby gets a phone call from someone in his family moaning about my parents, he in turn has a go at me about it. Becoming more obvious they didn’t particularly want to include my folks but felt they had to, it’s making it so much more ‘hassle’. I’m still grateful that my parents have been included, but it now feels like a bit of a pile on because I genuinely don’t see what my parents have done wrong. Sick of the whole thing and would rather just fuck it off and have Christmas with my own side and let husband have a cosy one with his own family.
I echo the sentiments of what other people have said on here - secret Santa is a hassle and a pain in the arse! I don’t think anyone can really advise on this I just needed a bit of a rant!

What a load of drama why do adults need gifts they can buy what they want for themselves.
Start a new tradition and drop it.
You van buy your parents a gift anytime you like why does it have to be 25 December?

Mill3nnial · 29/11/2024 21:24

That sounds unkind of them

surely they can buy what they like for secret Santa but you could offer pointers since they may not know your DH family so well and you could give DH family some pointers so they get something they'd likely o

With regards to the other thing I suppose that's fine and presumably DH can get something for his parents too if he likes. It only becomes complicated with joint finances eg if a lot more is coming of out joint funds for your parents but then I don't think you should be stopped if DH has that option but chorded not to

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