To be hurt by friends

[Twinkletwinklelittlestar2]

I grew up in London but moved to a county approx 1:30hrs away by car.

Since moving a couple of my friends (I’ve known since school) have visited me once each in about 20yrs. Other friends have, just I’ve known these for a long time, I’m late 40’s now.

I go to London fairly regularly as my family is there & meet up. We do call often.

I kind of understand one of my friends situation. She has a youngish child, recently started secondary, owns dogs, but do think that partner could help by looking after them should she want to pop up for a weekend, have also suggested they all come up, dogs too but again I do understand as she works shifts so would need be around this.

The other friend mentioned has 2 grown up children (youngest 18). I was speaking to her at the weekend, she mentioned that they had booked a Airbnb about 1/2hr from where I am as her/her daughter (23) had booked an activity day. I didn’t offer a place to stay as it was booked but she didn’t say anything about passing by on route, they could also of stayed rather that spend on an Airbnb.

For context: person 2 was my bridesmaid & that was the only time she’s visited.

I want to be understanding of both situations but AIBU in feeling hurt?

Sometimes life does get In the way, people are always busy with children, work, houses etc. but still only one visit for over 20 years???
Im sorry OP… if they really wanted to… they would 💐💜

I think try not to take it personally as this is completely usual when you move away, and it is simply because life gets busy! In you're shoes I'd suggest some plans to meet up with your friend who is coming 1/2 hr away and enjoy some time together. The fact they have not asked to stay isn't a snub, it is a lot to stay in a family home and many people are maxed out trying to get on well with their own immediate family without navigating staying over in someo e else's home.

Life is too busy op. They have stayed in touch and clearly care about you. When you moved away by default it’s not going to be a day to day/ month to month friendship anymore. It’s fundamentally changed now to a more distant friendship.

Your friend was doing something with her dd, so it’s not possible to also drop in to see you.

If you would like to see more of them, then organise more dates and get togethers. This is just normal in my book with a busy life, work, children. I barely see my friends and they live 5 minutes from here!

Have you actually invited them? arrange a date ?

I think the onus is often on the person who moved to go back and visit. Maybe because it's one person travelling to see 'everyone else' - killing lots of birds with one stone!

I have moved all over the county and have always done loads more visiting than had people visit me.

It’s not clear whether you have invited them and they’ve continually said no or whether you are passively hoping?

Life is very busy. I have 4dc and there's just no time to visit friends most days.

My distant friends and I have to make a concerted effort to meet up, often hiring something for the weekend.

One set are the far corners of the country and we only manage every few years but the other set, only one of us further away. The rest of us are 30 mins - 60 mins away but we still struggle to meet up. One has no kids but dogs and the other a toddler. I have kids and dogs. We are particularly bad at it given how close in distance we actually are!

Whereas I see local mum friends weekly for coffee - it's just easy!

Family friends (friends of both dh and I) who are max an hour away also have to be organised and timetable it into the year. Often near Xmas, Easter and a summer bbq.

So the friend is staying half an hour from you. Have you suggested that you meet up? Invited her to yours for a coffee?

Presumably there's a reason for her telling you that she'll be there? If I got that message I'd see it as an opening to invite her to meet up.

Have you literally said ‘hey you two! Let’s organise a weekend for you to both come and stay and we can go out? Are you free next March/April etc?’.

I don’t think I’d invite myself and daughter to stay, especially if we were doing an activity you were not invited to. Maybe she just wants to spend quality time with her daughter?

If I was you I’d try being more direct.

I agree with the above, the onus is on you as the one who moved away. Invite the friend who is staying near you to spend the day - she has told you she is coming up for a reason.

This is what happens when you move away.

I moved 2.5 hours away nearly 20 years ago now. We used to visit all the time and meet up with friends but we have DC now and it's not easy to get down.

We've been in this house ten years and my best friend has been here I think three times. She's single, childfree, regularly complains about not having weekend plans and even more often that I don't visit enough.

I nod and smile and let it wash over me.

I don’t know if it’s a pandemic thing, or the stage of life I’m at but I find it easier to keep in touch with friends through other means than meeting up personally. Years ago there did seem to be more efforts made to meet up even if it was quite a long journey. I do very occasional trips out to a different city for lunch rather than going to someone’s house. Or we would all travel into London, as that’s more convenient. Don’t know if others have felt this shift.

Do you have children OP? It does make it tricky to get away for years.

I moved out of London twenty years ago. Think friends have stayed once. We have met up sometimes when they are holidaying in the area. It’s just life really.

My kids are grown up now but with work it’s still hard to find the time to do everything we want to do

When we move we always intend to keep contact at the same momentum as before but with the best will in the world life does get in the way and all to often things will not be quite like they were. It’s not a personal thing, just moving a distance always changes the dynamics of friendship contact.

I have a good friend who move up north, 3 hours away. She has a toddler, mine are teens. I find it it impossible find the time or chance to visit her or have her over. Between my dc and me, we have 9 scheduled activities across the weekend, some of them further away, all need driving and we have no opportunities to share lifts with other families. Our weekends are completely and totally busy with only a family lunch on Sundays between activities as our chance to be together as a family. I rarely can just leave for a Saturday due to all these things going on. I also can't invite her and her dc /dh around as we are simply not at home for more than 2-3 hours in one stretch and it's not worth it to travel 6 hours on a round trip for this. My teens won't socialise with my friends and their families as they have their own friends and little time to see them. I feel sad but moving away 3.5 hours is significant, I very much care for my friend but don't have the time to meet up as she lives too far away. It is not personal and I'm sad I can't see her more often.

I do not like staying in other peoples homes not even family.

I prefer Airbnb and group holidays.

It is not personal just the way I am.

People always say “ come and see us, stay over”, tbh the time just passes. When someone has been persistent and I have visited it generally feels pretty awkward, I don’t really like staying in someone’s home. It can also be fairly expensive by the time one has driven and bought gifts or taken them out for a meal. You may come together later in life but for now I would concentrate on your new friends.