To be worried about my colleague

[Prof4876]

For context, I’ve worked with this colleague for almost 10 years. We’re not particularly friendly but we chat and work well together, I’m female 40s, he’s around 60. Both happily married and absolutely not attracted to each other.

We work hybrid however my colleague has only recently returned to work following a cancer diagnosis late last year, he had been told his treatment was successful but has some longer lasting heath effects from the treatment which I don’t know the details of.

since he has been back at work I can’t shake the feeling that he’s not ok, I can’t put my finger on why. He seems self conscious and has lost his usual “spark”. I’m really worried about him and he’s not the type to open up, should I approach him to see if he’s ok? or do I mind my own business and assume he’s happy enough to be left to it.

how would you handle it? I obviously don’t want to overstep or make him uncomfortable but I hate the thought of him struggling. I’m scared he’ll be offended as usually he has a “stiff upper lip” approach.

don’t know what my AIBU is, honestly just posted here for traffic - thanks in advance for any suggestions!

Could you ask him to join you for lunch or coffee and just spend time with him? There's no need for you to know what's wrong - just give him a sauce to divulge if he wants to, and be someone around to help ease him back into working life. It must be a big adjustment for him.

From the recent experience of a friend and my husband, it can take a long while to feel confident and safe again. My friend is still worried about exercising her dogs so still has a dog walker about 18months after getting the all clear. DH is still very tired after 12months.
i might asking how he is coping if you know him well enough, but not push it.

Are you actually worried about him or just curious about what the lasting heath effects from the treatment are?

Why would you expect him to have bounced back when you know he's just had cancer treatment and he still has health issues?

I'm 5 years after having cancer and I still don't feel like my old self, it was brutal, and I will probably never be fully who I was again.

If you're not close enough for him to tell you about his health then please don't ask him. Work is maybe his place to go in and feel 'normal' again, and if you bring up that he's been acting off then that might dent his confidence further.

If he wants to talk, he will.

I had cancer treatment and would have loved a kindly colleague to notice how tired and scared I was.

Personally, I had a lot of digestive trouble so I was paranoid about having an ´accident’ at work and also often had horrible pains. But I was glad to be able to return to work and for the ´distraction’ and feeling as if I were a normal person, even if sometimes I was feeling pretty rough at the same time. Everyone is different, but lots of people need some kindness and care.

Definitely reach out to him, OP. You sound lovely.

I hated going back to work after my cancer treatment and all the pitying stares from my colleagues despite kind intentions. I didn't want to be classified as the person who had cancer. I wanted to put the whole damn experience behind me and just do my job and return to normal. It might just me, but perhaps he feels the same way.

If you are friendly enough with him, would you suggest lunch and then maybe ask him how has he been. He might feel more comfortable outside of work setting.

I didn’t mean to sound insensitive at all - that’s what I was worried about, him thinking I’m prying.

Hes hinted at how tough of a time he’s had when we’ve spoken since he got back, we get on well but I wouldn’t say we’re friends - we never speak outside of work etc.

When I was much much younger a male friend of mine commited suicide and I think I’m just super conscious of the struggles people can have without it being obvious on the outside.

think I’ll just keep up the friendly conversation and hope he realises he can talk if he wants to. Maybe I’ll suggest a coffee in the next few weeks.

thanks all for your replies - genuinely very helpful insights especially those of you who have had similar experiences!

Maybe just go for coffee and see?
This course is very good too:
zerosuicidealliance.com/suicide-awareness-training

Just make sure you're nice to him and treat him in the same friendly way you always have.

I've been through stuff that's made me lose my 'spark' at times. I wouldn't, however, have wanted to open up to a colleague about it. I appreciate you mean well but I think you just need to accept that it's actually pretty normal to be affected mentally and physically by cancer, and be kind and sensitive without prying or doing the head-on-one-side 'aww, poor you' sympathy thing, which not everyone will be comfortable with.