Partner storms off always.

[Blondewave]

My partner has a habit of storming off when our life gets difficult/stressful or any difficult conversations needs to be had. I have avoidant attatchment and was adopted as a child and had an adoptive mum that never gave me stability/ love I’ve done a lot of work on myself and identify the trigger. I told him how damaging his storming off is…however he says he feels triggered in that moment and has to get out as he’s scared what he might do ( he’s never hurt me ) but says he’d hurt himself or punch a hole in the wall. So i guess now it’s in my head coudk he really hurt me as he’s a big man (I have a history of violent sexual assault in the past from a stranger) so im like is it me being paranoid. When he’s ok and not ‘stressed’ triggered he’s loving and the perfect partner.

He drives off countless times during any disagreement. Always. I’m left having to apologise when he comes back when often I haven’t down anything but he will make it out like I have.

Tonight - he was working at home as he has his own business. We didn’t have much sleep last night maybe 2-3 hours as we are talking about relocating and I have a teenage son (not his son) and I was feeling anxious about it and he flew off the handle and said I’m always negative and he’s being the house end off. He made me feel more anxious and powerless and just crappy to be honest as I feel like I’m not held when I need it. I struggle to sleep without him and he knows this and often uses it as a weapon. He’s been horrible to me all day.snappy calling me selfish (for quickly tidying round the house while he was getting ready) he wanted me to put our babies shoes on and I was like yeah I will but he just had no chill at all.

Toniggt he’s worked most the night it’s past 9pm and I asked when we were going to bed he lost it with me and said he has a call at 10 and I need to go to bed on my own. I said I struggle and he said I need to work on it. I struggle to sleep without him in bed which I know is common for a lot of couples. This is true but he’s just so mean about it. Instead of being caring to me about this he’s stormed off in the car and is stone walling me ignoring me.

im struggling to know what to do. I know I shouldn’t accept this treatment but at the same time I brush off his behaviour with ‘oh he’s tired’ ‘oh he’s stressed’ he won’t come back and apologise it will be my fault. I will have ‘pushed him’ or ‘suffocated him’ as he puts it.

This pattern happens multiple times a week. With any stress of slight disagreement. He says it’s my problem as I’m too needy etc but is this right or is it him? Please someone help I have no one to talk to and I’m worried I’m potentially being emotionally abused and I can’t see it.

This does not sound normal op. I'm sorry but he is emotionally abusing you and you can't see it. Work on your escape plan

I don't think it's healthy for you to be so dependent on him for sleep. It seems like you want a co dependent relationship.

You shouldn't be saying sorry, if you don't feel like you've done anything wrong. What happens if you don't say sorry?...and wait for him to cool off?

Run for the hills. Sorry 💐

Flying off the handle, storming off, being threatening by saying he'd punch the wall.

This is not an emotionally mature man and not a good choice.

I'd end it.

His behaviour is unpleasant but you do sound needy to be honest. I think he is probably reacting out of frustration 🫤 he shouldn't have to go to bed with you because you can't sleep without him there. You're a grown woman and I don't think it's fair to be so dependent on him. It sounds like an unhealthy relationship with unacceptable behaviour from both of you.

You need to finish the relationship because he's training you not to challenge him. He's also avoiding responsibility for his behaviour.

You also should think about getting some therapy regarding your past and do the Freedom Programme. Survivors Trust have a helpline and can recommend specialist services or you can find a therapist on BACP.

I absolutely could not, in a million years, be in a relationship with someone who guilt-tripped me because they couldn't sleep without me. Seriously, if someone was whining about me taking a call at 10pm and accusing me of 'weaponising' their inability to sleep without me, I would also be walking away from them.

He's working, and you are asking him 'when we're going to bed' from 9pm onwards? I'm sorry, but you're an adult, and you cannot possibly expect your partner to go to bed to your personal schedule just because you 'can't sleep without him'. That isn't even remotely normal. It's suffocating and controlling to be pestering someone to go to bed and blaming them for your inability to sleep.

I understand why you're bothered by the storming off thing, but I think I would do the same in your partner's position. Sometimes people just need to remove themselves from a situation, and that should be something other people accept. I can't deal with histrionics and clinginess at all, and I would also lose my temper if my boyfriend was telling me that staying up past 9pm was 'weaponising' his inability to sleep alone like an adult.

FWIW, I'm a woman and have previously been a victim of domestic violence.

I don't think your relationship is at all healthy for either you or your partner. You sound extremely incompatible and you aren't making each other happy. He clearly struggles to deal with emotional conversations and pressure, and you seem extremely needy and are using your past issues as an excuse to be clingy. Neither of you comes out of this well, and you would be better off separating for both your sakes.

My answer was to say leave ASAP but you've got a baby ?

You need to learn to go to bed by yourself. You say you know it's common couples can't sleep without each other - not in the way you describe, that is not common. Your partner needs to be able to go to bed at a time that suits him

Sorry your partner is getting frustrated and he certainly shouldn't be threatening to hit the wall, but sometimes people need to walk away from an argument.

All the people jumping to the position that you're being abused and telling you you need to leave him may well be right, they may not, but that's definitely going to involve learning to sleep on your own.

He is not a partner, just an angry man who you are inexplicably allowing to remain in your life.

I’m no psychologist but from the little bit of info you've provided you don’t sound avoidant Op, you sound more like you have an anxious or maybe fearful-avoidant (disorganised) attachment style.

But either way I’d say you shouldn’t be relying on another person to sleep as a grown adult. I can see how that would get really tedious after a while and become a burden on the other person. It’s also not good for your own sake either, you shouldn’t be so dependent on your partner.

That being said overall he sounds stressed, irritable and isn’t handling his emotions well if he wants to punch a hole in the wall or drive off all the time.

I don’t know what you’re arguing about but if you’re having to apologise every time he comes back after storming off, he could be using DARVO if he is the one in the wrong and if so that’s abusive.

It doesn’t sound like a very healthy relationship. Does your older son witness all this?

Perhaps you both could do with some therapy individually and together to improve your mental health and how you connect and communicate with each other.

So to answer your questions, two things can be true. Maybe you are overly needy but he could also be emotionally abusing you.

Op, he shouldn't be threatening to punch a hole in the wall but equally, you need to go to bed on your own. You are a grown woman, not a three year old.

At best, it sounds like you two just aren't compatible. You both have coping strategies that upset the other. He does sound angry and like he has potential to be abusive. But it's also unreasonable of you to guilt him into going to bed when you do.

Its good that you understand your attachment style but to be in a successful relationship he has to be able to accept it and be secure enough to help you learn security in the relationship. He is the wrong person for you.

You sound suffocating. It is not normal for couples to not be able to go to bed alone. And you do sound like you would generally have quite a negative outlook.

I can understand why he needs to escape these discussions but he needs to do it with more emotional maturity than he’s showing.

You both need to have a grown up conversation about what you aren’t getting from the relationship, and what needs to happen to fix it.

He sounds really horrible. Get rid of him.

Get rid

What happened the night you only had 2-3 hours sleep? you were anxious about your teenage son so stayed up discussing it?

Then the following night is when you had an argument about him coming to bed at the same time as you? and he stormed off?

I can understand why you hate him storming off, but is it just when you have a confrontation about something? It sounds like you are extremely high needs (through no fault of your own), but you probably need to recognise how stifling that can be, if you won't accept that you guilt tripping him to come to bed with you at 9, when he has already arranged to work till 10 is really quite wrong of you (and NOT normal for most couples!), then there really is a problem. You were basically blaming him for you not being able to sleep and wanting him to supply the solution, instead of recognising that the sleep problem is your responsibility to solve, you want him to be turn on being caring, considerate and hold you when you want him to, yet you're not being caring or considerate of his needs for a bit of space, none of that sounds very healthy to be honest.

You sound like you need a better way to relate to each other when you've had disagreements, so you don't end up triggering each other so much.

Thanks so much for the replies. Really helpful in terms of how I try stop this pattern. I was single for a long time before I met him and I do love him. When I say long time I mean like 10 years. I was a single parent. He is an exceptional partner when not stressed and an amazing step dad and dad so there are too many positives to give it up.

When my partner isn’t triggered he’s the most loving supportive partner however in times of stress we just both trigger each others attatchment styles. When in better mindsets we work out a plan to stop it…but it always reverts back. Wrongs on both sides I think. I’m trying my best to take accountability for my part in it such as being quite needy at times of stress and I’m going to work on going to bed on my own. I’ve lived on my own as a single parent for years and even travelled abroad alone so it’s weird how I struggle with ideolpendce in a relationship when I’m an independent person…our conflict styles are at opposing ends of the spectrum. Work needed on both sides. He needs to stop leaving on a whim when anything is said he doesn’t like and I need to be comfortable to give him space he needs x

It’ll take time to change. While you’re both learning it would be a good idea to pause any disagreements or difficult conversations until you both calm down. It’s difficult to come to a logical agreement when emotions are running high.

Don't relocate with him. Start channelling your single mum self. He's the cause of your anxiety.