Husband doesn’t want sex

[lonelysadfedup]

Hi I’m unwell mentally and have been for a few weeks. As a result of my mental health over the years I have scars. In January this year my husband said that he didn’t find me as attractive because I had put on weight, gone up to a size 18, the scars, my mental health and my physical health. We had only had sex once in the 2 years before that. Now I’ve tried to talk to my husband again, I asked if my scars were putting him off he said possibly. Then said wouldn’t they put anyone off. I know lm not in the right space to have sex at the moment. This is the worse my husband has seen me with my mental health. Crisis team are involved. Husband is been supportive. I feel rejected. Last time we had sex was in January. What is wrong with me

Do you have children with him?

If not, I would bail. He is treating you like shit. You deserve better.

We have two children together. I’m trying to fight my mental health problems for them, but it’s becoming more painful. Is it true that if a person has self harm scars that it would put most people off

Just from the OP there are a lot of things going on here. I’m not saying what he’s said and done is right but this sounds like an incredibly tough situation for all involved.

OP - I think you have some more urgent issues here than sex and they need to be addressed first. I felt sad reading all that, I hope you get the help you need.

Would some space from your husband be beneficial for a while?

Thank you. I don’t have any where to go

You need to get back to good health above anything else.

Perhaps he doesn't want sex with you because he knows you are in a vulnerable position. It's a difficult position for you both.

When you are in a better place, only them can you fully evaluate your relationship.

You need to also try and see it from his POV.

He has been coping with a partner that has MH problems. That's something that's really hard to deal with, so it's not really surprising he doesn't want sex, so I think you need to park the sex issue.

He is also being honest and answering the Qs you asked. Would you rather He lie? He perhaps could have been more tactful but I respect his honesty. Lots of men would lie.

Work on your MH by doing fun stuff as a family. When you feel better about yourself then the sex life will probably return.

Can he go anywhere for a while or (and I really don’t mean this unkindly) does he need to be there to support the kids while your MH is so bad?

Are you getting any affection? If I was still getting hugs and cuddles I could probably make do whilst I sorted the rest of my mental health out. There is a lot to unpack but you need to get yourself on an even keel before worrying about this, as much as it may seem relevant it's a side issue really.

I imagine it would be a bit weird for him to want to have sex with someone who is so vulnerable at the moment. Wait until you've recovered to have the conversation about sex.

Focus on getting better. Hopefully your husband can get some support too, maybe a carers helpline or group or something. It can't be easy for either of you right now.

No, he's wrong. I've got old scars on me. It's never stopped anyone wanting to have sex with me and I've had them my whole adult life, so that's a couple of dozen people. No one has even suggested they might find it off-putting.

He's being unnecessarily cruel and you can tell him that from me.

I think most of us wouldn't feel able to fully emotionally and sexually connect with someone in a mental health crisis.

Your scars currently are a visible reminder and symbol of that.

As you work through your mental health and also hopefully can use oils etc to help your scars heal then this should be much less of an issue.

It's not the scars per se...it's the fact they are a visible reminder of you not being mentally and emotionally your normal self right now.

I'm quite surprised by some of the replies on here who seem to be more concerned with OP's DH's welfare than with OP.

I think telling OP he doesn't want sex with her because she has put on weight and has self harm scars is actually really cruel. And if that is him being supportive then that is a peculiar way of supporting a vulnerable person. It would be much more to the point if he gave OP affection in the form of hugs and cuddles rather than adding to her feelings of rejection.

Hi the sex issue had been going on for over three years. I know I’m not in the right place for it now . It appears it won’t happen in the future

Hi he has been hugging me and cuddling me on the sofa. Before all this it had got to a point where it felt like we were just two people living in the same house. I over the past couple of years before I became unwell tried to talk to him and he would just say everything was ok. Then in January, I feel he was cruel in what he said to me. He then admitted that he had been burying his head in the sand. He doesn’t have any where else to go and he is looking after our children, I know this is a stressful time for him and I do feel bad about it. I’ve not been this unwell in all the time we have been together, I have been unwell over the years at times but not as bad and I was able to function more.