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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I over reacting? AIOR?

17 replies

kirger · 25/11/2024 20:18

My partner and I are in our late forties and have been together 5 years. Good relationship. Both have grown up kids from previous marriages.

When we first met, my partner told me that he'd 'lost the love of his life' when she walked out on him after his divorce took so long. This was 10 years ago. He was devastated to the point of having a near breakdown and being in therapy for over a year. He said that he'd repeatedly asked Jane to marry him, but she had left him before his divorce was finalised.

He's the singer in a professional group (rock/soul). He played a smallish venue this weekend and a group of his friends came. They normally join me and my friends but on Friday they sat up in the Gods in a box, where they could see him clearly but I couldn't see them. One or two came to say hello to me during the gig, but it was a bit odd.

The following morning, I have no idea how I knew, but I just knew. I said to him 'was Jane up there with your friends last night?" He went bright red and asked how I knew. Apparently he'd gone over and had a drink with them and chatted. I asked him if I hadn't said anything, would he have? He said no, that it wasn't important.

I am completely blindsided. She hasn't seen him for 10 years and here she is, back in touch with his friends, coming to see him play. What does she want and more importantly, what is he going to do if she wants him back? Love of his life yada, yada, yada. The one that got away. I asked him and he said 'its all water under the bridge and there's nothing to discuss.'

I'm happy, have a good job, friends etc but I feel so vulnerable. If he said he wanted her back, I've rented my house out and would have to start all over again. He would just be picking up where he left off. I'm not the jealous type - am fine with the much younger ex-wife, glammy singer ex-girlfriend (between me and Jane) and even the odd groupie doesn't bother me. Am I over reacting?

If you've read this far, thank you!

OP posts:
Tiredofallthis101 · 25/11/2024 20:23

I don't think you're overreacting, he's deceived you. Ok a lie by omission but still. It may well be true though that she means nothing now a d he's moved on. But he need to admit the truth about why he didn't tell you. Was he unsure how he'd feel seeing her? Was he trying to keep you and her apart? If he can be honest with himself and you hopefully all will be well.

kirger · 25/11/2024 20:30

When I asked him why he didn't tell me, he said that he thought I knew because he'd seen one of the friends talking to me, and had thought they'd said something. Which is crap, isn't it?

OP posts:
Pollypoppy · 25/11/2024 20:33

He’s with you, I think you need to have a bit of faith in him or what’s the point in being together?

Dotto · 25/11/2024 20:38

You're catastrophising. She's unlikely to want him anyway as he still isn't available.

Noseybookworm · 25/11/2024 22:45

I can understand you feeling a bit insecure in this situation, I think most people would if they were honest. I would tell him straight out that you don't want this ex in your lives and you'll be breaking it off if he does continue contact with her. Just be upfront that this is not ok with you. The fact that he wasn't honest with you that she was there doesn't bode well in my opinion 🙁

kirger · 26/11/2024 07:16

I suppose I feel betrayed. Betrayed by his friends, betrayed by him not telling me and betrayed again by him not wanting to talk about it.

Incidentally - he's never asked me to marry him.

OP posts:
kirger · 26/11/2024 07:18

Dotto · 25/11/2024 20:38

You're catastrophising. She's unlikely to want him anyway as he still isn't available.

Actually- I don't think that's true. It doesn't stop a lot of people. It wouldn't even technically be an affair as we're not married.

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UltramarineViolet · 26/11/2024 07:26

Totally understandable that this has made you feel insecure in your relationship but really impossible for any of us to say if you have anything to worry about or not

Are you close enough to any of his friends to ask them why she was at the concert and whether her circumstances have changed? (If she is suddenly single again and back living in the local area then at least you will know)

Ggmores · 26/11/2024 07:29

You don’t think cheating on each other classes as an affair because you’re not married? I think you need a chat with your partner as I would be very upset if my partner thought cheating was fine as we weren’t married. Does he know you think this?

MsKellie · 26/11/2024 07:34

I don't like lies by omission. If there's nothing to hide, why hide it. My relationship comes first and if something this awkward happened, I'd have mentioned it to my partner.

kirger · 26/11/2024 07:34

Ggmores · 26/11/2024 07:29

You don’t think cheating on each other classes as an affair because you’re not married? I think you need a chat with your partner as I would be very upset if my partner thought cheating was fine as we weren’t married. Does he know you think this?

It is possibly a bit warped on my part - the idea that we're temporary as he's never suggested marriage but wanted to marry her and insistently asked. She said yes apparently, but as his divorce hadn't come through, there was no official engagement.

Singers are public', I get that. But this is different

OP posts:
sandgrown · 26/11/2024 07:37

I understand your insecurity after the way he described his relationship with Jane . I think he probably just wanted to catch up with her briefly and to see how he felt as a friend . If she was in the area and just decided to come along it put his friends in an awkward position but he should have told you . Is there one of his friends you are more close to that you could ask why she was there ? Jane may be married and have moved on. He is with you now and though it’s not easy try not to worry .

Agix · 26/11/2024 07:37

OP, whatevers gonna happen is gonna happen.

There's literally no use worrying about it.

Fretting about it to him will actually more likely drove him into her arms if she is interested, to be honest.

And if he's gonna go back to her either way, he's gonna go back to her either way. Nothing you can do to change it.

If you can't cope with the situation and dont trust him, leave. If you feel you can trust him and eveything is fine, then no harm done.

healthybychristmas · 26/11/2024 07:37

That's really tough on you and I'd feel exactly how you feel.

Allfur · 26/11/2024 07:40

Was he a singer when she was with him?

kirger · 26/11/2024 07:57

Allfur · 26/11/2024 07:40

Was he a singer when she was with him?

Yes, he was. He's quite well known, although I'd never heard of hm Wink

OP posts:
kirger · 26/11/2024 07:59

Agix · 26/11/2024 07:37

OP, whatevers gonna happen is gonna happen.

There's literally no use worrying about it.

Fretting about it to him will actually more likely drove him into her arms if she is interested, to be honest.

And if he's gonna go back to her either way, he's gonna go back to her either way. Nothing you can do to change it.

If you can't cope with the situation and dont trust him, leave. If you feel you can trust him and eveything is fine, then no harm done.

I totally agree, which is why I feel so wobbly. No control over what happens next

OP posts:
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