Worried DH is emotionally checking out

[myfirstnamechange2024]

Really need some advice. I want to say DH is a great husband in all other ways. He is supportive and really has been a champion taking over the housework during my pregnancy (i do help tidy and am in charge of laundry but while i was struggling he did do the lion share) this has more or less continued as DS is on the clingy demanding end. It has gotten better but he remains a bad sleeper. I do probably 90% of the child care though DH is hands on if i ask him if he can change the nappy etc. It does feel at times he sees it as my responsibility and he is just doing these things to help me.

For some time now i feel DH will emotionally check out. This is not all the time but there will be days he barely engages and is just on the sofa reading or sleeping. I can feel how unhappy he is. I tried asking if he is not happy with me and he said he is just frustrated and tired and worn down as the todo list just grows and grows without getting any shorter.

AIBU to give him a weekend away where he can just read and switch off so he is refreshed and recharged returning happy and less frustrated? I feel like he is emotionally checking out and am just trying to find a way to fix things.

I think giving your husband some time off would be a good idea. I wish more men would be as considerate of their wives who usually do all of or the vast majority of the childcare, shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry and general admin. Then they expect the wife to be a sex kitten in the bedroom at the drop of a hat. It’s good that you acknowledge how much your husband does and appreciate him. Tell him that. Tell him that often. Ask him what he would like in order to get some time for himself. He might not want to go away but just have a day to himself to meet his mates or similar.

@TipsyJoker i constantly tell DH how much i appreciate him and he says it’s not much compared to me having to take care of DS and he doesn’t mind etc but i can tell it’s taking a toll on him

He does go to the pub to watch boxing or football or to just meet with his local friend. He goes to the football every two weeks for as well for home games and he has been on a stag do and wedding do so it’s not like he does not go out

It would be interesting to ask him what he expected fatherhood to be like, and explore which elements of how it is going he is enjoying or not enjoying.

Could be a starting point for discussing what he'd like to be different (and then if any of those changes are possible)

i will try ask him

It sounds like you're the one needing the weekend away!

unfortunately i am DS favourite person at the moment. We are both exhausted by this point

Sounds like he needs a hefty dose of grow-the-fuck-up! Adulthood and the early years of child rearing are bloody hard relentless work.

You have a young child, who has needs that have to be met. He should not need to be asked to change a nappy and delegate it unless asked to 'help'. He should be identifying and responding to the child's needs in the same way you do.

How many evenings out and weekends away do you get? Would be support it if you wanted it?

In this house, we both keep going with chores until the daily list is done, or we both decide to pause for the day.

Why is he so tired if you do 90% of the childcare and he regularly spends whole days on the sofa sleeping and reading?

I was feeling mildly sympathetic to your DH in the first post but having read your follow up posts, he's a piss-taker for sure.

@PalisadesPatty he does the cooking and most of the house admin. DS is a bad sleeper especially since these two weeks so neither of us are getting much sleep

@KnigCnut I have been out twice with my best friends for the first time since DS and have also had two sewing lessons he encouraged. I just also feel bad and try get him to sleep before I go out as I know he settles better for me then DH so there have been times i was still bouncing him on the bouncing ball trying to get him to sleep with 2 minutes until my uber 😂🤣😂

It does sound like he’s checking out a bit :( how would he respond if you asked him about it? You sound very kind.. I hope someone is around to look after you too <3

Will try ask him when he is in a better more refreshed mood and try discuss what i could do to help him with how he is feeling

You sound like your both in survival mode. Some people cope with lack of sleep better than others.

It's hard with a young baby and your relationship can suffer. Can you try getting baby to bed and make time for the two of you to reconnect? Get a takeaway and cuddle up and watch a film together or a box set. Do you have someone who can babysit so you can go out for a meal together? Maybe switch things up so he does a bit more parenting and you do a bit more in terms of chores?

I’m sorry but don’t pander to him. Make him do baths and childcare etc don’t jet him get lazy now as he’ll never get better. Trust me 20 years I and I know.