To think that more friendships have been ruined because of money than anything else?

[ArtfulHedgehog]

I’ve been reflecting on friendships and what causes the most damage to them and it seems like money is a recurring issue. Whether it’s lending money, splitting bills, unequal financial situations, or even just differing attitudes toward spending and saving, money has a way of creating tension.

Have you experienced this? Do you think money is one of the biggest friendship-ruiners, or is there something else that causes more damage? I’d love to hear your thoughts and stories.

It hasn’t for me personally, although I do sense some tension within a group of four old friends. Due to her life choices, one of us has more limited funds and I do sense some envy when one friend in particular goes on holiday, for example. But the less well off friend chose to have more children and be a SAHM so it was inevitable that she’d have less money than the more affluent friend (who is quite senior in her field). They chose different paths in life, that’s all.

I have some friends who have trust funds and are in an entirely different financial league to me. I’m honest with them if I can’t go a certain activity or eat at an expensive restaurant, for example. No point being envious, it’s not going to change anything!

Not in my experience. In my experience friendships end because someone feels the friendship is unequal. That can present as money e.g always paying for something but when someone evaluates that friendship they will realise it goes beyond money to emotional and practical support too.

Not in my experience, no. I've never lent money to friends though (beyond a tenner for a few drinks or something).

If I become aware that a friend is tightfisted, I tend to clarify who is paying for what upfront, and don't give them the opportunity to take the piss.

E.g. I'm not afraid of saying outright that I am only going to pay for what I ordered in a restaurant because I didn't have any booze and only had a starter while others had steak. I also make sure I pay my fair share when I order the pricier menu options too - it goes both ways.

I'm always shocked when I read threads on MN where the OP has somehow paid for everything for years because they are too afraid of conflict to insist on fairly splitting restaurant bills, or ask for petrol money from their 'friend'.

Everyone I know is adequately well off so this has never been an issue.

None of my friendships have failed due to money and we are very diverse in our earnings/financial situations. My friendships have all failed due to the kids/no kids situations - I’m the childless one.

Writing an article, perhaps?

No, get a grip perhaps?

I've never really "lost" a friend. I've grown apart from friends before, but there's no animosity there. Money has never been an issue in any of my friendships, nor do I personally know friends who have fallen out over money.

Have you experienced a friendship failing or being damaged due to financial differences @ArtfulHedgehog?

My oldest friend (the one I've known longest) is worth millions. I know because she frequently asked for my advice on stuff. She asks me, nirvana a financial advisor, but as someone whose moral compass she trusts.

Financially, I'm what I'd call comfortable. And I seek this friends advice on what I can legally do to ensure my estate is below the limit for probate for example.

Neither of us are coy about finances, and neither of us are the type to be envious. I've seen second hand, some of the problems my friends money has caused. From guilt that they are doing the right thing (morally and financially) to guilt about what affect the money could/ has had on their grown up children. It's not all world cruises and gourmet lunches.

We knew each other when, as we would say, neither of us had owt. So changes in our respective financial situations don't seem to have had much impact.

Why? What use is this information to you? What are you going to do with the 'thoughts and stories' you've asked for?

In my experience it’s jealousy that has damaged friendships aside from outright dreadful behaviour.

It could be financial jealousy but equally it could be any other issue.

Also when one party develops a fondness for conspiracy theories.

It can make things awkward, but a bit of tact and consideration goes a long way.
I’m a big believer in neither a borrower nor a lender be. And I don’t discuss my financial details with anyone..

I've never lost a friendship because of money, life and distance yes but never money.

Nope, never lost a friend over money. I’ve lost friends over opinions on vaccines however. They were anti vaccine and refused to be friends with anyone who was pro vaccine.

What has made you think about this? I'm sure you're not really a lazy journalist, but that's the way this post comes across. And your previous one too. I have never fallen out with a friend over money fwiw.

You go first OP.

A friend fell out with two of us .. after many years of friendship ...going out.. on holiday together etc.. because us two voted for Boris Johnson .. 🤷‍♀️

Spoke to one of my closest friends the other day of over 40 years. We don’t live close to each other any more.
Friend: God this kitchen is turning into a nightmare. 80k on cabinets and 8k on quartz worktops.
Me: oh I just spent 8 on mine as well. Marble.
Friend: yes I thought about marble but both do expensive.
Me: no, not 8k 8 quid a role. I wrapped the old ones myself.
Friend: you do make me laugh! As if you did that.
Me: well I did do that. It’s just a kitchen to me, How’s your hip? Still knackered?
Friend: oh it is, I’m waiting for my op….
And off we went. Age has been a great leveller for me. Some of us have been so high flying we actually go via private jet. Most are in the middle. I’m the previous go-getter who became seriously ill and it buggered up my life. But we are all losing parents, moaning about menopause, arguing about politics, and enjoy talking about our teenage years.
Friend: I’m thinking of getting that Chloe coat for Christmas.
Me: are you? I remember when going round the back of the disco by the bins with Brian Jackson was what you got for Christmas!
Humour and shared past laughs can equal out anything - but we have lost along the way snobs, arseholes, And tight-fisted penny pinchers!

I am centre-left. Never voted Tory but have voted both Labour and Lib Dem. I have friends who support Farage and a couple of communists and just about every shade in between. We have a lot of discussions about politics, and that’s what they are - debates.
To be fair, I keep away from people who just gobble up GB News, but I have found that the best way is to actually talk to people.

No, can't say I've experienced this. I never lend more than I can afford to lose, I'm happy to split bar tabs etc, it usually evens out over time. I'm financially comfortable as are most of our friends/family.

Actually yes. I think its not as clear cut as money perse , but lots of things surrounding it.

A lifelong friend who was on benefits for many years ( also working cash in hand 😳) but has now found his calling, is horrendously against those on benefits and will report people for doing the same.

He also uses the term I despise the most it's only £££ or It only costs £££ - it's all fucking relative you arsehole.^^
I can't tell you how much I love and equally loathe this friend of 40+ years, but I think it may be less about money and more about our values.

I have loads of different examples of this, but I think I have ranted enough.

I love my group of girlfriends and certainly don’t ever imagine us “falling out” over money, but I have in the last year or so felt a bit of a divide in finances.
There’s five of us in the group, and whilst no one outwardly shares their salary, it’s very clear they all earn a lot more than me.
In our mid to late 20s, they all had partners and were saving for weddings and houses. I was single and I would save every month/put in a lifetime ISA for a house in the future, but would always priories fun with friends so if one month we decided to book a trip away, I saw no harm in spending £500 on this, and that month not really saving very much.
At this stage in my life, they earned more than me but were saving for houses/weddings so I feel our social spending habits were quite equal.
Im now 35 and have been with my partner 4 years. We are trying really hard to save for a house together. But my friends have all paid for deposits on houses and weddings, and now their high salaries are just theirs to enjoy. And I’m REALLY noticing the divide. I earn less, and Ive ranked up the saving, so at the moment have very limited spare cash for expensive social plans, and weekends away are off the table.
They certainly aren’t braggy about their money, but we’ll meet up for dinner and one will talk about a trip to Bali she’s just booked, another is going to the Maldives soon on her honeymoon, another was talking about a lovely spa day she’s just been on with her mum that was “really reasonable” at £350 each for the day. Another has just bought her second property to rent out etc etc etc. I can’t stress enough that they aren’t bragging, it’s just chat, and it’s normal for them to be excired to tell us they’ve just booked a holiday. But I sit there thinking about how I could never afford these things. And the thing is, I am MORE than happy with my life. Me and my partner love saving and looking at houses online, knowing the end is in sight. We do quizzes and jigsaws at home, as well as trying out new recipes and cooking cuisine from around the world and making an evening of it. I’m so, so happy with my cute and cosy life and so excited to hopefully finally get a house in 2025. And I never think about my friends finances or compare myself to them, BUT when I spend time with them I do feel there is a huge, huge divide financially.