Struggling with husbands new job and working away

[HMC85]

Hi everyone,

First time poster on her but needed a rant or a telling off. Not sure which one.
my husband has a new job and he’s working away for the evening. It won’t be often so I’ve been told but it’s the second time in a month.
I have three kids, no friends to speak of and I WFH which is incredibly lonely and isolating. I do the job I do because I have no other choice! There’s just me and my husband with no other family member that could support me. I do all of the school runs and organise anything to do with the house and kids. My youngest is autistic and wouldn’t suit a childminder. I have tried this before so I do the job I do to work around our children. It’s kinda this or nothing.
I go hours and hours in a day not talking to anyone.
I can’t help but feel resentful towards him for him being able to go out and do whatever he wants without having to think about anyone else! I don’t have that luxury. I bring it up and tell him how lonely I am and how I feel to be told I’m childish and how I’m never happy.
I’ve had about two nights off in 15 years due to not having any other support. It quite frankly annoys me that he gets to do this and how tonight he’s out with his new colleagues seeing new things and eating out in a city 100 miles away from home. Yet I’m sat here doing the same rubbish day in and day out! One of his other replies mid argument was "what did you expect when we had kids" well live I didn’t expect to be doing 90% of it and I certainly didn’t expect to have zero grandparent input for various reasons.
am I being unreasonable resenting him in this way?

If you split what would happen? You are his partner, not the hired help, time for some arse kicking!

It is not a race to the bottom.
Claim some time for yourself. Twice a month go to a class or hobby you want to do. Or whatever time is equal.

When you start a new job you do really need to "network" and build relationships too.

It's really hard OP and it does sound like there is not a parity in care considering you both work and whether there is something else work wise you actually would prefer to be doing? It's not fair you are always WFH if it's not your preference.

How old are the DC?

To be fair what could, and most often does, happen is he’d be around even less, have no overnights or days with his kids, and OP would be even more alone but with the added pressure of being a 1 income household.

Could you explain a bit more about why you've only had 2 nights out in fifteen years? Is their father not capable of looking after his children?

He does help around the house as in the dishwasher, hoover etc. it's mainly the kids which is annoying me. Not them personally bless them. They've done nothing wrong but that fact they were both decided to have children yet I'm the main care giver and there's no room for manoeuvre in my own career. It's this or nothing. i just cannot imagine doing something i actually want.
Don't get me wrong the job is easy and it pays well but after 3.5 years I'm staring to suffer with lack of human communication. it's so quiet at the minute. if i lost the job wed lose a fair bit of money and due to no other support finding another job within school hours and no holidays would be super hard.
we don't live in the same village as school so if theres after school clubs etc I'm here there and everywhere all the time!
Maybe im just being mardy. i can feel another argument coming later when he hasn't been in touch!
he left this morning saying see you tomorrow. i have been quiet for days but I've got nothing to say! i don't go anywhere or see anyone to have anything to talk about.
my children are older. 8,13 and 14 so its not like its hard work anymore but i cant help the way i feel.

Thank you all for your time in replying.

I just don't have any friends. My mum passed away and their other grandparents aren't interested. I have no one to look after my youngest while we went out. I know it'll get easier as the eldest is nearly 15 so she'll soon be old enough to babysit

But why can't the father, your husband, look after the children while you go and start a new hobby to make friends?

Maybe join a gym or gym classes or learn a new hobby. You need something out of the house and you might meet more people that way. Plan it for days you know your husband is available for the kids. Good luck wfh is awesome but only if you have a support network to spend time with outside of work!

He probably could but I don't know where I'd start to try and make new friends. I'm nearly 40 and because I've spent the last 15 years bringing up our family and the years I have worked in that time has mainly been at home. I don't even think I know how to make friends anymore. He's my best friend.

I'd just join an exercise class if I were you then. No pressure to make friends but just see what happens. Yoga is nice, Pilates is good for you.

There are two issues here:

You not having friends

Your husband not pulling his weight emotionally as well as practically

Working away a night a month is zero imposition so you feeling isolated is something you can solve.

Find a hobby - try loads and see what sticks. Something that involves learning in a group is ideal as you’ll need to interact and that’s how friendships form.

I’m 46 and make new friends regularly - a friend I made a year ago is someone I’m now in touch with daily.

If you have some extra cash can you hire a babysitter once a week so you can have some time out of the house?

Your husband’s response to you feeling lonely is unkind but he cannot be all things to you and he can’t be responsible for your social life.

I get it OP - it’s hard with kids anyway let alone when there is disability in the mix. But you can definitely change things.

Thank you so much everyone for your replies. It's kind of you. I suppose change needs to start with me but it still doesn't take away the fact he can do whatever he wants without putting anyone before him and I have to work everything around the family we created together.
Maybe I'm just having an off couple of weeks xx

If he doesn’t think about the children/home etc then that’s a problem with him certainly.

My husband thinks of the home/family responsibilities as much his as mine.

He’s worked away (1 night?) twice, is that right? So, the rest of the time, when he’s not at work, he should be an involved father. So then you’d have time to go out and solve your other problem of not having any friends.

For example we have 3 kids, DH works away a lot. But he’s just walking out the door to pick up 2 of the kids from clubs, and will come home and do their bedtime while I go out to choir.

How often does he go out op?

You sound a bit like me. I'm in a similar position with children's ages and husband working away a night or 2. I also work my job as it fits around the kids and rarely speak to another adult other than dh.

I wish I could make more friends but it's hard.

Unfortunately I have no advice or I'd be telling myself 😂 but you can always dm me if you want a chat.

I don't think the job is the issue here, it's just brought it to a head.

You need to prioritise yourself because he clearly isn't going to. Maybe he thinks you would say something if you wanted to take up an activity.

He's going to have to stay at home with the kids while you do something for yourself outside the home.

You need to talk to him about how you feel and that you need his support.

As pp suggested, join an exercise class, volunteer somewhere, take up a sociable hobby. What did you like doing before?

I kind of knwo what you mean OP, although I did have a bit more support than you.
I remember DH phoning me from a 4 start hotel somewhere exotic when I was on my knees with a poorly 1 and 4 year old and I wanted to kill him! I thought that if I was in his shoes I would have just slept (i probably wouldn't).
He was earning money to enavle me to SAHM and was pretty good when he was home though so with my logical head on I had no right to be so cross

I think it’s shit that you have ended up in the position where you have lost yourself in favour of everyone else in the family and you can be angry about that if you like but it doesn’t solve anything. You now have older kids who can look after each other, you can also leave them at home with their dad without anything catastrophic happening. I think that if you just say that from now on I’m going to the gym on Tuesday nights and Saturday mornings they would just get on with things. If they get hungry they’ll eat, if they get tired they’ll sleep. I think that you have taken your role as a mother and wife way too seriously and it’s time to let go and let them grow some independence, you also need that.

How do I DM you?! 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

Your DH has been out for the evening twice in a month? Is he home with you the rest of the time and does he pull his weight with the kids and house?

I don’t think that’s particularly frequent to not be home in the evening/overnight, particularly given the ages of your kids (but I appreciate your youngest is autistic so that makes it a lot harder). And if it’s work related then it can be important he attends.

What would happen if you said I’m going to the gym/yoga/swimming/book club/sitting in a coffee shop alone every Tuesday at 6pm? Would your DH refuse to look after the kids? You need to do things for yourself too, yes your children are your priority, but they have a dad who can care for them, and you deserve some time to yourself too sometimes.

Well to be blunt, nothing changes if nothing changes OP. Has it always been this way or have you slowly lost yourself whilst your DH made sure he was still the king of his castle, so to speak?

I had one similar in the past, but I divorced him because I recognised he never was going to change he was simply selfish through and through.

Do you think your DH has the capacity to recognise that something needs to change or do you think you'll eventually end up getting a divorce, because the threat of 50/50 is often enough to make some men think twice.

The ball really is in your court OP. Use it wisely

I'm confused... two evenings a month working away for work is not a big ask. And you say when he's home he does contribute to the home. How much is he actually contributing.

Kindly OP, this sounds like a you problem. Your children are not small, there is no reason you can't have built a life, taken up hobbies, made new friends at this stage. Why can't you go and do things during the week when their father is home?

I think you need to reframe your thinking here. You talk about loneliness, feeling isolated, not speaking to anyone... but your husband is not there as your entertainment. You need to go and find things that fulfill you outside of the house. It's no fair to expect your husband to be your only source of adult interaction.

Unless there's other issues that youve not outlined here, which is likely, then I think you sound somewhat self pitying and need to pull yourself together.

I think it's unfair to resent him working away a couple of times a month if that's what his job entails. When he's home, you need to make time for you - evening classes, exercise classes, hobby groups etc. You will only make friends if you make the effort to go out and meet people. Is there a local Facebook group where you could ask about ladies social groups?

Aah I feel for you as you sound so down and lonely. But I agree with others posters about finding a hobby. It sounds like the only person standing in the way of that is you. And I get it, it’s intimidating walking into a new class when you’re an adult and out of practice with talking with new people. Have a think about what interests you. I joined a circus school’s recreational classes😁. Best decision I’ve ever made, it transformed my self confidence and I made friends. (And being in my late thirties I thought I’d be the oldest by far but there are several lovely women my age or older!). Just going once or twice a week is a little holiday for my brain.
Look up things that are local to you. A dance class or martial arts or pottery or maybe try different taster lessons for a while. Sounds like you’re stuck in a rut and the only way to break the cycle is to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
you’re not being unreasonable in how you feel, but you are being unreasonable to let the resentment continue. And whilst I do understand your feelings, your husband is not in the wrong to take up work and networking opportunities either.