To be so upset and triggered at ex living mile and half down the road

[Overthinker2022]

As above, his flat is on my route into town. I don't have to go past there everyday but when I do I start getting anxious and upset. Difficult relationship through hardly any fault of my own. He's now with somebody else. I feel like I want to move away but I own my home and have only been living there 2 years in Jan. Too much happened and I have struggled to get past him just discarding me. Not to mention he cheated on his new gf with me in August and has flat out denied it. Trying to move on but there's too much trauma and too many bad memories.

Is there another route into town you could use, even if it takes longer? That seems to be the big trigger for your distress. And block him and don't on any account agree to see him again so that August can't be repeated. Time will heal, but you need to be completely free of him first.

Do you mean he discarded you when your telling ended, or when he was in a relationship with his gf now?
Is it the only way into town?

You're being daft - you don't get to control who lives on a route into town from your home, and it's silly to get aerated about an ex living in one of hundreds of houses you must pass en route.

You were foolish to sleep with him in August, though. If he was that awful, why on earth did you go back to him?

Shake it off, move on, and stop giving him headspace he doesn't deserve.

I think it's your own behaviour you're being triggered by -- why did sleeping with him in August after he'd left you for a new relationship seem like a good idea?

So sorry to hear about this horrible predicament you are now in. As a survivor of domestic violence who used to be terrified of running into my ex, I deeply sympathise with you in this situation. From your brief description of the relationship with your ex, it sounds like he was emotionally abusive to you at the very least, and the behaviour you describe indicates he could possibly be a narcissist.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable to feel this way, ESPECIALLY as you were still involved with this man as recently as 3 months ago. Even though you now can clearly see him as the toxic person he is, 3 months would be far too soon to expect yourself to have fully got over the pain he put you through.

Unfortunately, practically, there’s nothing you can do to avoid running into him as he lives so close by, and I’m assuming you wouldn’t want to move now that you are settled in your new home. And, if your ex IS a narcissist, then I strongly suspect he deliberately moved somewhere to be close to you in order to cause you further distress and to rub his new relationship in your face!

If you can’t move away, the only thing you can do is seek healing from the relationship with your ex, through seeking therapy if you can afford it, and/or reading books about healing from narcissistic abuse.

Dr. Ramani has written a great book called It’s Not You, and she has also made lots of free YouTube videos AND runs an online support community for people who are being or have been abused by narcissistic people, and I thoroughly recommend her.

If you have supportive healthy friendships, also focus on those.

And when you inevitably run into your ex, do your best to pretend you haven’t noticed him or appear indifferent. People like him crave getting any reaction from their victims. You can break down in tears you are safely home, but try your best not to let him see he is triggering you. ❤️

It’s a horrendous and difficult process, but it will slowly get easier with time and healing.

Well, what do you expect him to do? Emigrate?

I'm sorry, because you were obviously hurt by this relationship, but you really, really need to pull yourself together and get a grip. Yes, splitting up with someone in unpleasant circumstances is hard. Yes, reminders can be hurtful. But you can't wallow in misery for the rest of your life.

Sometimes people hurt us, but you seem to be really obsessing over this and you need to buck up. If you can't do that alone, then get some counselling or therapy, but you can't live your life avoiding every thing and everyone who's wronged you.

How long were you together?

I think you would benefit from some kind of counselling.

I understand this must be really upsetting. However context is key; are you both in a busy town or city? If so then it should be easier to avoid him as 1.5 miles makes quite a bit of difference in a busy area. However if it's a quiet rural location then it would be more difficult.

A mile and a half isn't really near ,
Many years ago them I split up with someone i had to take a bus daily that stopped right outside his house ,and I dont think i ever saw him .

How did you find out he lives there?

My ex moved into a flat about a 3 minute walk from my house, on the route into town. I always thought, how dare he! It was such a traumatic break up for me. Luckily, I never saw him.

@WitchesLadder what? How on earth did you equate this to domestic abuse?? So sorry to hear about this horrible predicament you are now in. As a survivor of domestic violence who used to be terrified of running into my ex, I deeply sympathise with you in this situation. From your brief description of the relationship with your ex, it sounds like he was emotionally abusive to you at the very least, and the behaviour you describe indicates he could possibly be a narcissist
And a narcissist?! Seriously?

A mile and a half in London is life a while different world!
OP if you date people from the same town as you, they are likely to still live in the vicinity when you split up. Choose a different route into town if it upsets you and consider the triple R programme, it's available online and might help you move on from this relationship.

You are massively projecting. There is nothing in the OP that would lead to an assumption of narcissism or emotional abuse.

I’m sorry you’ve experienced this, but it’s not helpful to escalate a very ordinary situation.

He didn’t make you shag him while he was in a relationship with someone else and he doesn’t make you drive past his flat. Work on taking some ownership of your actions and gaining some perspective. He’s not going to move and you can decide to move on and detach from the past.

Did you think having sex would bring him back to you? Is this why you are surprised and upset that he denied it?

“Triggered” is another word which is overused on MN.

People have relationships which end. Such is life. Clearly you weren’t triggered enough to shag him in August, so why now?

Or is it that you in fact hoped he would come back to you and then he didn’t.

You’ve diagnosed him as a narcissist and emotionally abusive because he’s moved in round the corner from his ex and also slept with her whilst with the new GF? What? Bit of a leap there 😏

Where are you getting all this from? You’ve made that entire thing up in your head!

I wonder if it’s Dr Ramani trying to drum up sales for her book 🤣😂😆

I think passive aggressive responses are also overused on MN. Thanks for your input.

It's not even round the corner it's a mile and a half quite far really .

It's genuinely just down the road and it's a route I take fairly regularly if I need to.

But so what? You aren't having to stop and pay a toll at his house, you are literally passing by. You are making a big fuss over something it's in your power to banish.

He left you. That hurts. You foolishly shagged him again while he was seeing someone else. That probably also hurts but was self-inflicted. Now you don't have to have anything to do with him.

Seeing his front door or noticing whether his curtains are open or closed only 'triggers' you if you are dwelling on it. Most people don't even notice where their exes live because it no longer is their concern.

Blimey, you got a lot from seven lines of OP there, @WitchesLadder ... ! 😂