In-laws relationship

[MumOfEmi]

Hi!

We've been together with my husband for 8 years. My husband does not have a healthy relationship with his parents. Whenever we visit (~a week) they end up arguing a lot. It's a tense and unhealthy environment. There is almost zero relationship with extended family beyond parents/siblings so whenever we visit them we spend all the time just us. As a result, I haven't felt comfortable being in the same house with them.

A couple of examples: A stupid argument in the past led to no contact with his mum for almost a year. He demands his parents to seek counselling before they re-warm their relationship. When they talk on the phone he often complains his mum was tense throughout the call and his dad absent-minded, this frustrates him a lot. Recently he has even refused hosting his parents when they visit (different countries) and they have to stay in hotels - I objected to that.

We have a baby now and my husband insists we spend more time with his parents, he wants both myself and the baby to develop a relationship with them despite the fact his own relationship with them is not good. He blames me for not feeling comfortable staying with them long, he thinks I should do my own effort regardless of his problems with them. He accuses me of not wanting our child to be exposed to his side of the family. From my perspective all I want is a calm and healthy environment and to protect our child from experiencing toxicity. However, there is no guarantee this will be the case as it's been otherwise every single time over 8 years!

Am I being wrong? Any advice how to navigate this situation welcome!

Thank you.

He wants his child to have a relationship with his parents, it's up to him to organise and facilitate that surely? Tell him that, and don't waver. What's his relationship with your parents like?

YANBU

He blames me for not feeling comfortable staying with them long, he thinks I should do my own effort regardless of his problems with them. He accuses me of not wanting our child to be exposed to his side of the family.

Any relationship with in-laws is based upon the relationship with the direct descendant. He has to have a healthy relationship with them before you can be expected too. Your concern is to him and your child. His concern is to them. You have no concern to them.

If it weren't for him, you'd have no contact with his family. He cannot expect you to maintain a relationship that he has failed at; you are not their kin. If anything you would have stronger objections to their actions, you wouldn't accept actions he may because they have history.

If he pushes with this, I'd simply state irrefutable healthy boundaries and stick to them.

Thank you. I respect that he wants the child to develop a relationship with them. But he wants us all to visit and stay for 3 weeks with his parents and I'm very sceptical about it since just 1 week-stay has proven to be too much every time.

To be fair his relationship with my parents and extended family has been excellent. And he does wish the 2 families to come closer together and unite.

Thank you very much. I completely agree with you and this is exactly what I have been trying to explain to him. That he has to better that relationship before we can "enter". I have been flagging this since before we had the baby. He knows my opinion has been to compromise, if necessary, to ensure a healthy environment for both baby and myself, otherwise it wil be very difficult for us

He does not understand though. He says I am part of the problem because I complain frequently when we are with his parents. I will not deny that: I go there very biased. He knows there will be arguments even before we visit them and he's on edge expecting them. He complains about so many things they do wrong or he expects them to do wrong. And this negative energy is transferred to me. I visit already primed for problems. Scared and cautious about what may happen. So my threshold becomes low too. Many times I have tried hard to visit with a positive mind, forgetting the past, and it's always been the same.

I remember the first time I met his mum, he had described her as a really difficult person. I was panicking.. but it went well! Then he told me "oh well, give her a bit of time and you will see her true self". You get what I mean, it's very difficult for me to bond under these circumstances. But he interprets it as if I don't want connection with his side of family.. which is not true!

Any advice? :/ :/ :/

So he gives you reason for bias, then blames you for being biased? He is being unreasonable in every aspect.

If I were you I'd take him up on his offer, tell him you'll start a "relationship " with his family but these will be your unbreakable boundaries... and then list everything that he has moaned about and say if they do XYZ then I'll not accept, I'll go low/NC.

So if they are rude, if they don't pay attention to rules for your child, if they are bigoted or misogynistic, if they treat husband with disrespect (this is a big one) after all, he's your husband, he's your child's dad, if you're child sees their dad being disrespected then they will be confused. That's a boundary you won't break. No matter how much he says to let them.

Sit him down and list all the examples where he did not want to be around them, insisted on counselling, had arguments and what they were about. Provide him with dates and proof of all of this and ask him how he can be such a hypocrite. He has no right asking this of you when he is such a hypocrite.

Sounds like the problem is your husband - go spend a week with his parents without him. Everyone's happy.

Oh I’m going to be completely honest here , your husband sounds like the problem , he nit picks at them and it causes arguments even on the phone , he actually sounds really hard to get along with .

He’s being a bit bonkers, and defo unfair to you. He facilitates the relationship with his parents, not you, it’s not your responsibility. FFS.

You have a dh problem, a big one. He is setting impossible expectations for you ( that you will somehow establish and maintain a wonderful relationship with his parents even though he doesn't) and then criticizing you when you don't meet them. HE is the problem you need to deal with, because he is being horribly unfair and demanding of you. You need to set and keep firm boundaries with HIM.

I think his parents sound fine and the common denominator difficult person is your dp.
He sounds like an idiot frankly.