Talk me into having a second child(or not!)

[Kat256M]

Sorry for the long post but I don't want to drip feed! I have a lovely almost 2year old son who is a bit behind on his development(not walking independently yet, not really talking) but seems in good health and happy, just progressing late. I have a good job with a reasonably good salary which makes me the breadwinner althought my husband is not far behind. But, the constant restructures at my company mean I feel very insecure, especially for the next 2-3 years.

I am an only child had always wanted only one child. My husband has a sibling and always wanted two kids. He is very good with our DS and spends more time with him and does more around the house than I do.

We live in a 2 bed and they would have to share a room(no matter their sexes) since we can't wouldn't move for a lot of unrelated reasons. Also, currently no car but that would have to change probably anyway at some point.

My husband thinks we should start trying again. He just wantes to wait to see if our DS has any extra needs so would need our full support longer. I thought we should not even discuss it until the gap was big enough so we would never have 2 kids in nursery, 2 kids at uni at the same time etc. He thinks that the gap is better now, worse financially but better for the kids. Also, that if I am pregnant it would be harder for me to be made redundant(although not impossible).

Also, selfishly I guess, I am terrified of life with 2 kids. I have difficulty going to places with lots of people, talking to them etc. You can't tell but I need to recharge my batteries. That could be a bubble bath or doing my nails or staring at a wall with white noise. But I need to to function. I have locked myself at the bathroom at work previously just so I can regrouo my thoughts. With one kid I feel like I can be there for him 100% and take a quiet 30mins when he sleeps or soemthing. But with 2? My husband is very outgoing and has no concerns like this.

There is a big positive of course. I love my DS more than anything and I can't imagine my life without him now. A second child would just mean more love in our little family.

I need opinions, I am very indecisive and tend to find the worst possible scenario(here is I get pregnant, get fired, stay at home to save money, hate my life and go insane for example!). The stress at work is killing me now too which is not helping.

You don’t want a second child, so don’t have one. There’s no reason to have another child, apart from wanting one.

To be honest it's pretty obvious you're not ready now or possibly ever for another one. It seems as though it's more about keeping your husband happy than that you genuinely want to do it. I'd give it more time to see if there are any issues with your little one before adding another into the mix. And please don't take this as an attack, nobody should ever feel guilty for only wanting one. I'm one and done by choice and have zero guilt. Hope you get some good advice on here😊

I'd hold off for a year or two atleast.
My boys are 21 months apart. I was like, ah middle child will be walking, will be talking etc etc.
So middle child didn't start walking until 18 months, is 3 soon, cannot be out of the pram because he is most likely autistic, he's an eloper and very interested in seeking any type of sensory input he can. He is non verbal. He will not settle in his own room, sp now i have youngest and middle child in my room and its so very hard.
I wish I had a few extra years to really know what I was dealing with, with DS before I had another as I don't know how we're going to cope because DS will soon enough have a disability pram whilst youngest still needs a pram too.

Don't have a child to keep someone happy. No good ever comes of it. Make sure your contraception is as watertight as it gets and DO NOT rely on withdrawal. Perhaps you will change your mind in time, perhaps you won't. Now is clearly not the right time for you. Never mind what your husband thinks, you're the one who'll be having to do the hard graft.

Thank you all, I know you are pribably right. The thing is, I didn't feel ready for my first one either and had my list with cons then too(just gotten married, still rented etc.). But I wouln't change anything now! I thought maybe it is the same now...I can see mostly negatives but everything will fall into plac eonce a new baby is here. I don't know.

I have one and here are the reasons I am happy with it:

The work mostly fell to me (due to DH having to work away) and full time work, the house, dogs and child fell to me for most of the first 7 years of her life and I genuinely couldn't have coped with more.

It's so calm dealing with one esp when they are school age. I used to watch other parents herd cats at the school run while I was walking out with DD holding her hand and chatting about the day.

We can afford what we and her need for the best life we can. She's at a private school by circumstance over design and this absolutely would not be the case if we'd had more.

We also live somewhere nice (see above).

We can dedicate more time to her and this is very helpful now she is a teenager for things like emotional support and homework.

We are a team but she can also be independent.

Having her broke my vag and I got it fixed when she was 18 months and am very pleased it won't be torn asunder again and my body is pretty much ok (my mum was ok after her first then I broke her!)

I am mentally happy and healthy with one. So is DH but he knows the main driver was me because it's my body and the mental load and effort esp in the early years was me.

I also know someone whose husband said 'go on, one more' and they had triplets. The horror.

I'd hang on to know the extent of your son's needs. And talk to your husband now about how you're not 100% sure about ever having a second.

Did you ever have a sen assessment yourself? I know it's a Mumsnet thing to spot neuro diversity everywhere and introverts exist, but the need for recharging and quiet space and avoiding crowded places made me wonder. And things like autism does run in families.

So why did you have a child you didn’t want in the first place? If you’re actually making a new person, who will have to live with the consequences of your decision, you need to think very carefully about why you appear to be continually doing something you don’t want. You list several very good reasons why having a second child would be a terrible idea. The only person who wants one is your husband, despite the fact that you have a toddler whose development is delayed, don’t have much money, you are the higher contributor to the household income, job is far from secure, and you apparently can’t move from a 2-bed house. How is all of that going to ‘fall into place’?