To feel envious when someone has a baby and everyone makes a fuss?

[Coffeecuploser]

I appreciate I probably need to move on as my dc are now 7 and 12.

Ive noticed that every time someone I know has a baby I feel this major pang of envy and almost hurt. I’ve been trying to work out why for a while and I think it’s because whenever someone has a baby the norm is for everyone - especially grandparents - to think the baby is the second coming and for everyone to be super excited and thrilled.

My In-laws were indeed thrilled but my own parents - who mattered most - were completely underwhelmed both times. Im an only child as well so its not like they had a ton of grandkids.
When I told them I was pregnant they were completely meh and when I had the babies the same. Dc1 especially as he was a boy and my mother made it clear she didn’t want a grandson. My dad was less bothered but also had said that little girls were cuter and more endearing.
I ridiculously feel like my children are somehow not as good / not as special and I realise this feeling has transcended throughout their lives. I still feel it now. Conversely I watched a lot of my friends have children and their family be completely besotted with the babies. I think I felt it was something else I’d disappointed my parents with, especially when I had a boy.

aibu to find this so hard? I don’t want a baby and I’m pleased for people when they have much wanted children but there’s like this little part of me that finds it reinforces my own feelings around my own children being inferior.

This has nothing to do with you wanting another baby it’s the jealousy that your parents aren’t emotional attached to your kids and you feel your kids deserve better. It’s hard when you see all these amazing supportive family’s that rally round and support each other.

I have a similar issue that my parents are performing grandparents but they in real life they haven’t made the effort to see my kids since the summer.

It hurts and its stings but you can’t change them, the only person it upsets is you. Try to accept them as they are, it makes dealing with it all easier, reduce contact and try to crack on. I can’t lie though when I get emotional it creeps out and I tend to cry…

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I’d do whatever you can to put this to bed. Your parents didn’t react in the way you wanted. It’s a shame but should be completely inconsequential now to your life, children or happiness.

are there other reasons you think your children are inferior?

OP really sad to hear you didn’t get the support and enthusiasm you wanted when they were born/little. It’s such a precious time

I think you need to try and put others out of the picture and wind down the influence they have (had) on you… eg maybe when you have thoughts about whether your kids are inferior, you can question it to yourself, and wonder where it comes from etc.

Could you spend some time each week thinking about what qualities you appreciate in each of your kids?

its great that you’ve pinpointed re this envy, do you think you’ve still got a lot of grieving to do around that time? Could you afford therapy or simply do some journaling etc?

I think I kind of understand - I had my child alone around start of lockdown… and i was also let down by family during the periods in between lockdowns.

the first few years were hellish. It started to bed in into the background of being ‘less’ a family than others esp as I was single too, - not something I want my child to feel but so much is unconscious!

I really started to focus on the most important thing my child needed was ‘me/us’ and the little bubble we were in. Processing and grieving helped too and creating our own family rituals / identity.

I feel really different now but it was slow and like weaving a different tapestry over time. I know it’s not quite parallel in terms of a situation though!

It's a shame your parents were uninterested. It's good your in laws were thrilled and hopefully you benefited from that.

I think your parents reaction is less about your children and probably more to do with the fact they may not be child-orientated people. As you are an only child, that might be the reason. It’s nothing you or your children have done, it’s them.
I was NC with my parents before I had children, so I had nothing from my side too, so I understand to an extent.
However, I didn’t really care about other peoples reactions. My own (and DHs) enthusiasm was the only thing that mattered to me.
You can’t change your parents, but I understand the sadness you feel. At least your children have one set of interested grandparents in the in-laws.