Husband always prioritises in laws- AIBU

[Zhosh]

So for the context, we had a separation for a year and just started trying again. His family had a role alongside other factors. He does a busy day job, I work weekends so we barely ever get any time. He stays mostly at his parents with our 3kids during the weekend, they live very nearby.
I told him yesterday that I have afternoon onwards free today so we can take kids somewhere together, he first said its his sisters birthday so they are going out. I said okay, its the only Sunday I had free until Feb. Then he said they would meet me around 3/4. Today he started saying he will see because his family is saying its his sister’s birthday (who is out having fun times with her partner , reasonable - kids at her parents where my kids are as well rn). This lead to a major argument bcz he said I am twisting things while I only said that they are always seeing each other over the weekends/ so many family members that they celebrate a birthday/month at least. I cancelled my plans so many times for him and his family like missing my nephew’s birthday bcz they had a celebration and wouldn’t let me go etc. He hung up on me and turned his fone off. AIBU? He has done this on other occasions as well that he would just cancel things on me or tell me he won’t be doing this with me as his dad has called or he is going to see his sister and bil.

I think it's very sad that when you have so little free time on a weekend he wasn't keen for you to spend time as a family unit.
Your post reads more as though he sees your relationship as that of co parents rather than as a man and wife team.

Turning his phone off and refusing to talk to you about things is childish and unpleasant. The fact he prioritises his birth family feeds in to this perception that he hasnt taken on board that he is supposedly married with a life partner and not a young boy living at home.

He's hung up on you and turned his phone off? That doesn't sound like a man who is trying..

So for the context, we had a separation for a year and just started trying again.

No Zhosh, you are trying. He isn't. He's just doing what he's always done and assuming you've let the past blow over by trying again.

You've made sacrifices for him, but your thread title is right - he will always put the in laws first. He won't make any sacrifices (which aren't exactly life threatening) for you.

You separated for a reason(s) and that hasn't gone away. I'd cut your losses and make the split permanent rather than always coming second (or third or fourth).

Huge mistake trying again with him.

I think you need to LTB. I wouldn't put up with that

Your co parenting..its two seperate units, your feelings aren't included.

That is how your being treated. There is nothing in your post that has any indicators from him of being treated as equals in a relationship x

Sounds like a dickhead.

I wouldn't bother trying again.

He will always put mummy and daddy and his family first.

I think the problem started when you both decided to work hours where you don't even get one day a week together. That's not the type of relationship I want tbh. No wonder you're living seperte lives.

And from his actions as far as he is concerned his family doesn't include you.

So, stop trying to make the marriage work and start divorce proceedings.

IMO, you can't have a relationship with someone you never get any time with. If he works in the week and you work weekends, it's not surprising that you're not very close and don't spend any time together.

Why did you bother to try again with him to begin with?

Why are you trying? It sounds dead in the water.

Well, good question! I work weekends bcz I have to pay for groceries/ nursery fees etc and I work an intense job so have to do bits for my career progression too. My workplace is quite far, 3hrs in commute at least and late finishes mostly so if I work weekdays, I wont be able to see kids or put kids in bed . Due to current state, not many jobs nearby and this team took me back after yearss of gap as I was going through a very rough patch.
he has a quite high post, hybrid routine, helps with kids but is quite messy himself. I am trying for our kids bcz I didn’t like them being split but he is going to be at his parents anyway during the weekend no matter my work hours.
he said we do spend evenings together ,i.e; we went to Nandos for 1.5 hrs last week.

Personally I would change the hours so you get at least 1 weekend day together. You've obviously grown apart. Not seeing each other is only making it worse. I think you need to either split up or someone has to make a change so you can have time together as a family at the weekends.

It was planned he would be with his sister on her birthday you now have a free afternoon surely you don't expect him to drop his sister after making those arrangements?

If you both have such little time together how can this actually work?

He puts his family first because he lives with them

It's over.

It sounds like your current lifestyle and commute are completely unsustainable long-term.

A three hour commute, weekend work and a marriage to a men you never spend any time with as a result - it's hardly surprising you aren't close.

I also agree with PP that you can't expect him to cancel plans with his sister just because your she's has changed. If you choose to make yourself unavailable every weekend then you have to understand that life will go without you.

I understand that you need to work for the money but honestly if my partner was never home then expected me to drop my plans because he suddenly had a free afternoon, I'd not be very impressed.

Presumably he had prior plans with his sister? I wouldn’t expect my DH to cancel plans for someone’s birthday because I unexpectedly had the afternoon off. That would be so unfair.

if I asked him to plan something with me when he had no prior engagements and he said no, then I’d be pissed off.

@coffeesaveslives i think you nailed it.

Zhosh, I don’t thinking arguing by phone is a good idea. You could have said “I’m really disappointed, but I understand it’s awkward to change plans last minute. Let’s talk about it later.”

and Maybe the kids were looking forward to the birthday celebrations with their cousins?

Hope you find a solution

How far in advance did you know you’d have the afternoon free. Because to be honest if you’re busy every weekend and he’s made plans with his family, I wouldn’t
expect him to cancel them at short notice just because you’ve snapped your fingers.

I think you need to have a serious think about whether your respective work patterns are sustainable as a family.

I didn’t know very far in advance about my afternoon off an they didn’t have any definite plans, I think it was that she might or might not come to her mums for birthday and they may or may not go out. I wasn’t the one who said but he said that they will meet me around 3pm. But then next day he tried hushing it off.

I started working over the weekends after he left us, I was mostly a SAHM before that. He came back in September and still keeps going to his parents during weekdays when we are still waiting for him for dinner.
I would have let it gone if it was just this occasion but its not about his sister’s birthday only. He prioritises anybody but me! But he is clever at word/mind games and win it. He left me in a vulnerable state without money and just bcz decided to be back, I cant just cancel my work now.

I don't think you should be trying to get back together - the whole set up sounds like a total disaster all round.

I work in medicine, there are many people who have to do many weekends bcz of chidcare reasons/career progression etc. its not a long term thing, once my youngest one goes full time, I’ll be back to weekdays. But even if I am off on weekends, things aren’t going to be much different.
yes, I know trying here wasn’t the wisest thing to do but split wasn’t either due to kids going to grandparents every weekend with all the conflict hoing on and overhearing things being said and seeing things being done. Kids are very close to him. I font have any family here and obviously its a struggle without family. Sometimes Co Parenting is much more difficult then living together. Yes, eventually split seems unavoidable.

Never mind anything else, the fact he plays mind games with you is a red flag. And it seems to me that him turning his phone off is to punish you - more mind games. Pursuing a relationship with someone who does this will only lead to more hurt.
I'd focus on moving on without him as your romantic partner.

If I was trying to put my family back together after walking out on them....yes of course I'd cancel on my sister, and she would insist on it!

He doesn’t want to spend time with you, basically I think he’s checked out