To ask how I can connect with people

[iCantStopppEating]

I’ve had childhood trauma and I’ve recently found out this can result in feeling a sense of not connecting with people. I’ve all my life felt like the odd one out, on the sidelines and unable to feel a sense of belonging with any one. I even feel like this with family and people I’ve known for decades. Can anyone please help me with this? How can I feel a part of a group. I’ve struggled a lot with feeling a connection with the school mums, work people and neighbours. These 3 groups would help me massively to feel a part of something - so how can I feel a sense of connection?

I think it’s best to work with a qualified therapist. Trauma is very complex and there is no quick fix.

Agree that you’ll probably be more successful in resolving issues to do with your relationships with others if you do it via working on your own trauma.

From what you say you have friends, though? What is it you want from neighbours, school mums and colleagues? For me, it’s pure chance if there’s any form of connection beyond civility in any of these situations, where no choice is involved. Mostly they’re just background noise, smile and nod people.

Hi @iCantStopppEating , I am similar to you, now in my 50's but always felt like an outsider. Childhood trauma, PTSD, depression, anxiety, also being tested currently for ADHD. Years of counselling ok but what helped most was EMDR. I am lucky to have a very supportive husband who listens and guides me when I need a second opinion.
I wish you the best of luck.

Morning – if you can get therapy that’s great. I know there can be a lot of obstacles to this – the cost, waiting lists etc.

if you cannot get access to therapy then I would suggest lots of reading and research. there are various workbooks that you can buy to help you through these processes if you can’t access therapy. It’s obviously not as good as having a Therapist but it’s better than doing nothing. It can actually work really well for some people.

Once you’ve done some work on yourself or had access to therapy, it might help if you volunteer for an organisation in a volunteer role relating to forming connections such as befriending – that way you’ll have some training and get a better understanding of how to form connections, you get practice and another person will benefit from you taking the time to form a relationship.

You sounded like you’re willing to reflect and that is a massive step forward in this – I really wish you well. please also know that you’re not the only one to feel like this-I think school playgrounds as a parent can particularly amplify the experience of feeling apart from others.

Thank you all. Therapy is not something I want to do again. I have literally seen every single therapist out there for so many years. It’s actually proven that therapy doesn’t work for everyone and can actually make a very small minority of people worse which in my case is true. I’ve been reading crappy childhood fairy where I first heard this and I have to agree, therapy has never worked for me, I really wish it did but in all honestly it hasn’t. I’m looking for practical ways to heal myself and feeling connected to people is what I want to focus on, therapy has always delved into the whys which I already know but never into how’s, CBT has always been to change my thinking and offer alternatives but really all I need is practical advice on how to get close to people.

like for example how can I get close to the parents if my kids friends? I’ve been thinking invite them over for a playdate but the thought of that Terrifies me! My therapist will never give me tips on how to do this

like for example how can I get close to the parents if my kids friends? I’ve been thinking invite them over for a playdate but the thought of that Terrifies me! My therapist will never give me tips on how to do this

But they very much can work with you on this. For example compassion focused therapy has an exercise where you look at possible “hooks” in the past which explain this behaviour and then you write down your intended consequences of your present behaviours and unintended. You can then rationalise your fear which helps to unhook from it. There is also graded exposure therapy where you can expose yourself to small doses of an activity until it is no longer anxiety-provoking. Then, you increase the intensity/duration of an activity. There are distress-tolerance skills explored in CBT which help you to, again, recognise that some of your anxieties are unfounded and challenge your thoughts around the events you are fearful of and use immediate distraction techniques to manage anxiety while you are tackling things you are afraid to tackle. All of this is in the scope of therapy.
The reality is, that we can give you practical advise but none of us knows what sort of risks there may be in you following this advice given your past trauma. The advice to your conundrum above is to send a text to a person inviting them to attend a play date. But this isn’t really the type of practical advice you are looking for because there are other barriers which prevent you from actually actioning it.

I think that’s a fair post. I’m in therapy at the moment with a somatic therapist, and working on very practical ‘now’/ in the moment stuff. Somatic therapy isn’t particularly interested in origins, only in how your body stores trauma and somatises it.

I'm not saying don't try therapy etc but just to give you something to consider, I think everyone feels like this. Everyone feels like they are on the edge and don't belong, aren't understood.

Hello OP.

I'm a fellow childhood trauma survivor and have also tried therapy over the years, with varying degrees of success. To be fair, I'm not sure I was ready to face all my demons in the past. It's like each time I managed to chip away at the layers that had built up.
If I had the money today I would find an excellent therapist and buy workbooks, but I don't.

What has been helping me massively is watching Heidi Priebe on youtube. Watching her videos is guaranteed to provoke lightbulb moments for me, much more than when I tried therapy. They are informative, reassuring, soothing and, I find, offer practical advice. I come away from them with a better understanding of who I am, how I function, what's "normal", and how to get there.

I'm slowly getting in touch with the real me, building a true sense of self and can feel the benefits in all my relationships as I'm able to be more authentically me as opposed to playing a role/hiding behind a mask/doing what I think I should. It's very much a work in progress, but I finally, finally feel like I am making progress.

I can go at my own pace, watch and rewatch videos whenever I feel the need to. I'm also doing a lot of journalling. I'm finding it better than any therapy I've ever done.

I find that I come away from Crappy Childhood Fairy's videos feeling rubbish. Like she exposes the wound, turns the knife, then leaves me there bleeding.

Good luck, OP. Sending you love.

What I forgot to say is, if you feel secure in who you are, your own worth, you won't find approaching someone to invite them over so daunting. And if they decline the invitation or the connection you're hoping for doesn't develop, you won't feel bad about yourself.

On a practical level, how about making a list of 5 people you'd like to get to know better, then ask each of them round for coffee/play date individually? You could invite one per week. Or suggest taking your children to the same park/go for a walk. Something low key.

Don't put any pressure on yourself or set any particular expectations. Most friendships take time to develop. Don't try to force things. For now, you're just getting to know each other.

Things likel Playdates are for your dc's benefit, not yours, Op. Most parent's don't view their child's friends parents as potential friends. I was always friendly and civil towards the parents of my son's friends but it was to facilitate his relationships not make friends of my own.. Join the PTA and get involved with school activities and join a club /activity where you have to chat. The shared purpose in those groups will be the connection to spark conversation and possibly friendships. Good luck.

Thank you so much everyone. I’m feeling a little worse today due to various reasons.

@BloomingFlora thank you so much for the YouTube recommendation I will definitely watch the videos tomorrow during my lunch break. Thank you for sharing your experiences

thank you everyone for sharing too and making the time to respond to me. I am daunted by the prospect of pldydates and I feel it’s something I should do for my kids sake. Honestly I don’t really want to make friends (my opinion changes day to day!) I just feel it’s something I’m supposed to do in order to feel normal. If I was being honest I prefer being alone than around people but for the sake of my kids I feel I need to get out there

But you don’t need to befriend the parents to invite their children on a play date. Depending on the age of the child, they can just drop and go, or can come home from school with you, or if the child is too young to be left, anyone can hold it together conversationally for the duration of a cup of coffee. It doesn’t need to be a ‘friendship’ .

You say you have friends already. If you’re happy with that, you don’t need more. I do think modelling healthy, sustaining relationships for your children it’s important (my parents are withdrawn, timid, friendless people, and taught me some odd, unhelpful scripts about friendships which I had to unlearn in adulthood), but you can do that with your existing friends .