To be mad at friend

[Stillhere3]

Currently 3 months PP. We are both mid-late 20s and I have had the first baby in the friendship group. Friend made an effort to come see me and baby when DC was 6 weeks old. Friend lives about an hour away but is from here so comes back regularly to see family. Since the first meeting, she hasn’t bothered again or really asked how DC is at all, all of her messages are about her wedding next year which is fine but it would be nice if she occasionally asked how I’m doing baring in mind I’ve had quite a few postpartum issues and was very ill in hospital at one point. Last night, she made the effort to travel to meet another friends boyfriend but she can’t be bothered to even ask about my DC. AIBU and being too sensitive?

It’s not unusual for child-less friends to be disinterested in other people’s children. Your baby is your world, not hers. Her priority is her wedding, yours is your baby.

For a bit of context we’ve known each other 15 years

I appreciate that but at the same time I’ve grown a human and it doesn’t hurt to ask how my child is, it takes 2 seconds

While it’s sad it’s also not uncommon. You might have known each other for a long time but you are at different stages in your life.

Do you ask her how her wedding plans are going?

I do very often actually

It is really tricky on old friendships when people start having babies. They can’t understand your world, and your priorities have changed so perhaps their world doesn’t seem so important anymore.

Be patient and try to think kindly towards them.

congratulations on your baby! Have you been able to make any friends with other new mums?

Most people are happy for their friend's child, but not happy to bother with it all the time. Maybe your friend dislikes kids, doesn't want to bother you, or maybe you've changed in ways that make you no longer pleasant to be around.

She's not interested in your baby or how you're coping. Sorry to be brutal but that's the underlying fact. Best not to sugar coat it.

You've moved from the fun friend category to the real life getting on with boring stuff friend category.

Mentally she's probably filed you away as unavailable for fun stuff, focused on domestic issues and unlikely to be able to travel for meet ups unless you have a baby in tow. She's now working on filling that vacancy with other friends.

This is why new mums usually make other new mum friends. So you can share the daily slog with people who understand.

She may change as well if she has a baby but right now you've be moved into a different friendship zone in her mind.

As much as it hurts, work on building up the new mum circle.

The reality is that you grew a human. This human is your entire world. For other people, it’s really not that big of a deal. It’s just another baby. I knew my best friend for 30 years. I very rarely ask her about her kids. To be honest, she was pretty insufferable when her first one was born and we have a giggle about it now. It may seem like a very big adjustment to you now as all your relationship shift. But do try to see things in perspective. You are a completely different human being right now with completely different priorities and a set of interests. You are, in effect, not the same person your friend knows. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you it just means they don’t necessarily realise or agree with your child becoming your whole new identity.

You’re just at a different life stage, doing something that looks very dull from the outside. I wouldn’t overreact. A friendship that’s lasted so long can cope with a temporary fallow period.

This friend sounds like the kind of friend you go to for escape from the drudgery of parenthood and house stuff.

I cherished these lunches or going out for tea as me again, talking about the world outside vomit, screaming, colic, teething, the endless illnesses.
It was a very welcomed relief.

Don’t take it to heart, don’t take it personally, don’t let it bother you, crack on with your stuff, let her crack on with hers then when you get together, enjoy the relationship without trying to change things just because things have changed.

Honestly, it’s all ok.

This probs sums it up the most. When I had mine my bestie of almost two decades didn't really ask about my baby etc (which didn't bother me personally but everyone is different). We kept in contact about mostly other things for many years. Eventually she fell pregnant and all she bangs on about now are milestones , kid, kids life, kid, milestones, kid and she gets upset when others don't ask about her kid (the irony is not lost). Her core as a person she is great, it's just a stage in life. When I had a kid it wasn't an interest to her and when she had hers it has consumed her. I'll give her another 10 years when her kid is into her teens and I think she'll find herself again. Some people are just like that, gotta weigh out the value of that person to you and consider your expectations etc. If you want to be asked etc and feel it's important you need to have that conversation and you both need to evaluate if they can feign interest or maybe go separate ways. It could be something completely different going on and you don't even know. Nothing a conversation won't potentially fix if you're both honest with each other.
I'm still close to my friend, she'll find her identity again in a while she's just obsessively parenting atm and tbh I see this as potentially a mh struggle, it must be so hard for your identity be "mum" and nothing else. Maybe you need a bit more support at home too? These are all things you need to consider.