To not be able to listen to the baby whinge?

[88MincePies]

Had a massive argument with DH. I was trying to pump breastmilk, he was meant to watch the baby. Baby starts fussing and whingeing. Dh just says shhhh and continues to look at his laptop. Baby continues to whinge/half cry, DH says let daddy do his admin. I told him several times please pick him up. He just wants a cuddle/or needs a burp or a nappy change. Dh says he's fine. Eventually I go pick him up, after about 10 minutes. I tried really hard not to but I couldn't listen to it anymore. Obviously DH says he was about to pick him up and it's all my fault for intervening. Very convenient.

I was so stressed the rest of the morning, it ruined it completely and we had a massive argument.

So am I unreasonable? Am I meant to let the baby whinge for 20 minutes at a time and be OK with it?

Because if so, hell, I'll let him do that and it will change my day to day entirely. Idiot me trying to keep a baby comfortable. Baby is 13 weeks.

This is a normal maternal response. I used to hear my baby crying when my husband took him out for a walk - it was a heightened alert. I would suggest doing pumping away from them but then you'll probably still feel the same. It does get better x

YANBU breastfeeding hormones are intense. It was only when I started to reduce breastfeeding when baby was older did I notice I was able to tolerate hearing him whinge a bit more.

@88MincePies that's so frustrating, a bit of admin doesn't take precendence over a baby needing something. If the baby is whinging for a cuddle even, to the baby that is a huge need, I don't know how he could let him fret :( doesn't help you pump to the best too, meant to be relaxed ideally and listening to your baby getting worked up must have been rubbish. I understand leaving it a few mins to see if they settle but not ten minutes.

There is different hard wiring and response mechanisms in mothers but you were asking him to pick up the baby while you were pumping so he knew it was something that needed to be done and didn't, so I see why you're disappointed that he's argued back about it. 10 mins is a long while yo feel uncomfortable for the bubs, maybe I'm soft but I have a 15 month old so remember those days of being ultra responsive.

The whole bloody point of pumping is to carve some time for myself. I've just started and it's such hard work on top of breastfeeding. We live abroad and I'm ALONE all day every day. The weekend is my only relief as DH helps. We had a massive argument earlier in the week about how little he does anymore- he did loads when DS was born and that has died down as time has gone on.

I thought he got it. He was on his best behaviour again for a while And to then do this, I can't fucking cope with him anymore. I hate him. I truly fucking hate his guts. He was a good partner before we had the baby. But turns out babies are hard work, who knew ey?!

But obviously I'm the unreasonable one, he has spent all Saturday not speaking to me and instead of relaxing, I am a mess. So the weekend is wasted. And Monday morning will come and I'll spend it wanting to die again. Like I do every weekday morning.

Do you have family that you can come back to?

The whole bloody point of pumping is to carve some time for myself. I've just started and it's such hard work on top of breastfeeding.
Pumping as well as BF is hard, hard work and adds to your load, pressure and stress. Will you actually gain much time to yourself, as you'll have to pump in the middle of it for any missed BFs in order to maintain your milk supply.

What about BF baby then immediately handing them over to Dad to take baby out for a walk while you have some time to yourself before baby is due the next feed? That way, you get a pocket of time to yourself that is truly for you and you won't be having to think about sterilising pump parts or where to sit and pump or worry about how much you collected, etc etc.

Essentially, whatever you can do to make life easier for yourself and not harder right now - do it.

Are there any new parent / mum and baby groups you could go along to during the week where you are? Do you have friends or family there?

I think you need to come home girl x

Strategic incompetence and emotional manipulation.

He knows you hate the baby crying. He is making it hard for you to pump.

Is he controlling and selfish in other ways?

Can you get a babysitter or a nanny?

You need some support and he isn't stepping up.

Do you have a baby carrier. At that age he could stand up and wear baby in a carrier and do his admin with laptop on a shelf or the kitchen counter.

I've been where you are - abroad, alone, and fucking hating DH's guts. I came back to the UK, and didn't go back to DH until he'd made all the changes he needed to.... are you able to go and stay with family for a while?

@Applesandpears23 yes we do have a baby carrier and it works great.

Apparently it's ridiculous to not let the baby whinge and he needs to learn we won't pick him up all the time.

The irony is that he's not even a clingy baby! Sleeps in his cot brilliantly, is happy on the playmat etc. It's not like he needed a break from a very intense baby.

Well past the baby years but they are still seared into my brain :-)

Two different things going on.

Firstly yes I'd be cross if DH has let baby fuss in favour of "admin".

He could have picked baby up and soothed - typing one handed if needed. God knows how many times I (and DH) had to do similar. As for the "I was just about to...." well that would make me pissed off. It's a classic deflection/gaslighting tactic to turn the blame around. I'd probably be more annoyed about that than anything else.

Secondly pumping. I had the same thoughts as you re: "me time" but found I had less time and was more stressed by doing it.

Gave up after a few weeks as it just wasn't working for me.

Instead I opted for mixed feeding. Worked brilliantly for me and baby (now young adult!).

I introduced formula as a last night feed so DH could do that whilst I had time to bath/shower and relax for a bit. Big difference in how baby slept (much better not clear why).

BF for the rest of the feeds, so felt zero guilt (not that anyone should feel any guilt about formula feeding - fed is best).

DH liked it as they got into a lovely baby bedtime routine and he felt he got to do a really nice bit and not just nappies etc.

So that's maybe an option to think about? I don't see many people talk about mixed feeding but it's a valid option to consider if it would work for you.

@BreadInCaptivity Totally, the response made me even angrier. Instead of "i got totally caught up" or "I'm just exhausted", he went ahead and kept saying he's watching the baby while also making me listen to him be unhappy. And then it's all my fault anyway. And now I've spent all day in tension and silent treatment. I can't even go to sleep which is making it worse.

I'd love to give formula but baby has allergies and hates the taste of the prescription formula. So paedetrician recommended I keep EBF, with the changes in my diet.

@JumpstartMondays handing him over after a feed only works to a point. It's not just about going for a walk. I need to go to a dr appointment, physio etc and that's 2 hours out of the house. I'd like to see a friend now and again as well.

You have a tiny baby. He sounds a bit cruel and with ridiculously high expectations of a baby and ignorant of normal baby behaviour and development. If men were made to learn about the social and emotional development of babies the world would be a much more compassionate place with far less violence I think. Too many hurt people, who hurt people.

Hopefully he'll step up soon but doesn't sound like a promising start.

BreadInCaptivity Why would you bring up BF and FF. It's really not on to try and encourage a poster not to breastfeed as much when breastfeeding rates are so low. So much research....Breast is best. Fed is minimal. Mixed feeding quickly leads to early cessation of breastfeeding. That's why it isn't talked about. It's very useful for medically (not armchair) diagnosed low supply mums but otherwise it's an unnecessary expense with risks. Those who introduce formula for practicality reasons are significantly less likely to breastfeed until six months let alone two, which is, quite literally best.

Maybe I just need to accept the injustice of it all. He can do whatever he wants, will be a hero for changing a nappy, while my health and life go to shit.

@Shmithecat2 I wish I could but plane tickets are around 5k return because of Christmas (it's high tourist season here) and my parents are busy with house renovations and work anyway. I have to suck it up for now.

I think there are a few things happening here.

Yes your DH was being an arse to let him whinge for that long. A but if whinging is fine but that’s quite a long time for a small baby and especially when your DH wasn’t doing something that needed doing straight away by the sound of it.

Secondly, as others have said, pumping is most likely going to make life harder for yourself rather than easier. If you want to give a bottle, I’d just give formula if time to yourself is that aim, just replace one feed a day at the same time each day with formula. Breastfeeding will start to get less demanding in a few months anyway even if it doesn’t feel like it.

And finally you sound like you’re really struggling (not at being a mum, you’re doing great there!) emotionally and with hormones. This in part is normal when becoming a new mum, but wanting to die each week day really isn’t. Please speak to your doctor and access some support. PND is real, and very treatable. If you genuinely feel like you want to die then you need to get help asap. Of course you can look at other factors such as moving back etc but if you were happy before baby (and even if you weren’t!) I really would suggest you speak to a doctor about this before it gets worse.

A whinge isn’t a cry. I don’t think it’s cruel to leave a baby half whinging for 10 minutes if you’re there next to them reassuring them. If it’s not needs based it’s fine. If it is needs based then unless you are going to pick up baby and fulfill all those needs immediately then they just more upset if you put them back down.

But I get it goes right through you as a mother in the early days. Things will settle down.

FFS.

The whole militant BF hyperbole has to stop.

Breast is not always best. Fed is best.

It's posts like yours that lead many women into despair and depression because they feel they "fail" at motherhood if exclusive BF becomes untenable.

There are many reasons why BF (in part or exclusively) may not be possible for some women.

Yet this determination to hold exclusive BF as a gold standard persists, despite the detrimental impact it has on so many women's mental well being.

The gold standard is a well fed baby and happy mother.

Mixed feeding is a perfectly reasonable approach especially for mothers who may struggle to pump and (shock horror!) have to return to work and will require their child to attend nursery.

In my case mixed feeding meant I BF far longer than I would have done otherwise.

@BreadInCaptivity 👏 well said. A baby is better off with a happier less stressed mum. Sorry you're having such a tough time OP 😞. It will get easier.

I exclusively bf because my baby just would not take a bottle. I tried pumping. Took ages to get a decent amount only for baby to completely refuse the bottle. Tried formula when I was unwell but again baby absolutely refused the bottle. And you can’t force feed a baby. Also, I found that any kind of stress in the early weeks made breastfeeding difficult. Your husband should be more understanding and supportive. Your husband can put the laptop down for a bit and interact with his baby. When baby is settled or napping he can pick the laptop back up again. And it wouldn’t kill him to get you a glass of water or even a snack while you’re breastfeeding or pumping either.

Don’t neglect your health. At the very least your husband can go with you to your appointments and hold baby in the waiting room. You can breastfeed just before/after appointment before coming home.

It all sounds very hard. I agree with what a lot of other posters have said.
The only practical advice I can offer is to stop being available to be the one to ‘give-in’ first.
When you are pumping, physically leave the room with a bright call over your shoulder of ‘going to be in the other room pumping. I will have my earbuds in so if you need me you will need to come and wave at me’ and then DO IT. Do not give in. Do not come out again until you have well and truly finished. No matter how much whinging there is. Never let on that you heard it.
It is a big game of chicken otherwise of who can block out the whinging noise the longest. If you aren’t there, he will likely break sooner.
In the same way, walk away from a poo-ey diaper if you were on your way to something else. LEAVE HIM TO IT. Even if he gestures that it might take him a little while to get to it.
Even if he is doing something vaguely useless/ wrong.
Your baby won’t be hurt by a different style of parenting that isn’t quite as responsive.
Your marriage might do better in the long run if you refuse to partake in his weaponised incompetence early on.
(Unless you truly think your husband would actively neglect his baby, then sorry, I have got nothing).

I've been where you are OP.

Living abroad, no family or support. I had DD1 during Covid so locked down in the house every day and barely saw another person for about 18 months. The only freedom I got was when i could go out for max an hour a day walking the pram. First baby and EBF, didn't really have a clue what I was doing. Sometimes DH was great bathing baby, taking her out so I could have a shower, feeding her etc but most of the time it was 99% left to me and I would get so resentful.
He could (can) sleep through anything and I remember one morning him waking up and making some comment about what was my problem as baby was sleeping through the night when actually, I'd been up 8 times. I can't tell you the actual hate I felt for him in that moment.

I swear, looking back, I don't know how I didn't actually murder DH during that time.