Did you get a lost sparkle back after being a mum? I feel so shit

[soarklegon]

I’m late 30s, single parent to toddler. I work full time. Ex is involved and I do have some free time but that’s usually tidying cleaning or seeing friends or just relaxing rather than investing in my life if you see what I mean. I look awful, nothing like I used to. I used to be quite witty, good fun, interesting… I would read and watch interesting things, take time on my appearance, travel. I barely can string a competent sentence together these days let alone be funny and good company.

I used to feel excited about life. I don’t anymore. I feel stuck. I really want to move.. still in the same home I was in when me and ex ended and even though the finance is all sorted i just don’t want to be in the house really. I want to start afresh but don’t know where or how, or whether that’s even fair on my toddler.

i enjoy being a mum and know life could be worse but I don’t have that excitement for life anymore. I’m so cautious and careful and worry about the future for my child that all that sparkle has just gone. Will I ever feel I look good and come across well again?

I don't think anyone gets their sparkle back when looking after a toddler 😅 maybe once you're out of the toddler stage you can start doing more for yourself. I've got a toddler myself and I hope this is the case🫣

How old is your wee one?

@Devilsmommy thanks for the solidarity! My child is almost 2 and a half and I really feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I used to be good fun and now I generally just feel frazzled or stressed even after a break.

@KittenOnTheTable two and a half next month

I read somewhere that you don't start feeling yourself again until your youngest child is six and certainly that has turned out to be true for me.

I didn't feel very sparkly at your stage either but it did come back, mostly.

Yes, but only in the last year or so. My youngest is 7.5 so when he was about 6.5.

the eldest is 13 next week so I reckon the sparkle and feeling like “me” disappeared for about 12 years!

It comes back. For me it took the following ...

Youngest child turning five
Changing job which cut down on stress, giving me time and headspace back.

Hang in there 💪

Mines 2yr2mo and I'm permanently shattered 😅

@Devilsmommy ha ha! Yes, absolutely no one ever got their sparkle back looking after a toddler.

Toddler will be sparkling being looked after by their Mum, so that's the upside

Of course you will.....eventually!
Mine are teenagers now and I have lots of free time (compared to when they were small, I can sit in the bath for an hour and use all my lotions and potions if I like.
Your child is still tiny and therefore needy, there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel and you will get yourself back more and more as they get older.

Excellent way of looking at it 😊

Have one the same age and could so easily have written this myself. I've no advice just hoping it gets better

In my experience you don't completely get back to your old self but it does get much easier!

I loved it when mine both got to 3, respectively,

3 to 7 or 8 is the golden period. Then they slowly stop being cute and get hormonal instead! 😆

You will feel much more like you again (again, from mine and anecdotal) in a year or two. Hang on in there!

I agree with those who say about age 6.

I’ve always taken time for myself, hobbies etc since DC was born, but it’s only over the last year (DC is 6) I’ve got anything resembling sparkle back

Thought about this thread today.

I was sat in a cafe and this woman came in with two toddlers. Woman was about 30 and looked incredible . She was “only” wearing workout type clothes, but had a perfect figure and obviously works out loads, you could see her arm muscles and perfect, super fit athletic figure through her leggings. Her hair was just in a ponytail but it was long, thick, glossy and clearly freshly washed and dried. She just looked so fit, healthy, vibrant and glowing.

Her clothes were casual but perfectly complimented each other and all fit her perfectly and nothing was tatty or whatever.

She 100% had that effortlessly amazing look that is actually really really hard work and time consuming.

Anyway I looked at her and thought bloody heck, how does one look THAT amazing with two toddlers??

Sure enough, two minutes later, another woman came and joined them. Same kind of age and a perfectly attractive woman. But she was lugging a pile of coats and bags, looked kind of dishevelled, hair not freshly washed, looked tired & hassled, just didn’t have the sparkle or the glow the other woman had. yes turned out that was “mum”.

But the thing is, I thought give it 5 years, and her kids will be maybe 7&8 and maybe the other woman will have young kids by then and the roles could very very easily be reversed.

Also my DC is 6 and I now just have these pockets of time for myself, that I didn’t have when she was a toddler.

So now DC does 4x clubs/hobbies per week which are all an hour or more and don’t involve me so I can use that time to go for a run or read or plan outfits or whatever.

Whereas when she was 2 I was in the water with her for swimming and her other activities like ballet were 30 minutes and parents had to stay on site.

Also school is 5 days a week but I still only work 4 days .

Playdates are drop & go so again time for myself rather than having to sit and drink tea with the other mum.

And when we are at home although DC still likes to play with me a lot, she is capable of entertaining herself for short periods and I can do stuff like wash my hair without worrying about leaving her unsupervised/ safety aspect

How much good quality sleep are you getting?
Are you taking good quality multivitamins and minerals daily?
Have you had your thyroid, iron, ferritin, vit b12 and vit d levels checked (see previous point for the vits)
Are you getting any proper exercise (hopefully outdoors) in the week?

Sometimes having the bandwidth to look after yourself on an outward levels needs you to first look after yourself on an inward level

If you work FT do you also have your child with you during the day? That sounds exhausting! could you perhaps get some help or nursery?

Or are they at nursery and you have them for the full day only on weekends?