The guilt is crippling me

[gratefulbutsad]

My sister messaged me today 'are you free right now, we just broke up' about her relationship. I said no and I feel it's the hard thing to do but the right thing to do. Yet the guilt is eating me up.

Here is why I said no....

I have a 7 week old and a 2 year old. I'm maxed out myself. I'm sleep deprived and my 2 year old is home Friday, Saturday, Sunday, I'm in the thick of it. My husband is hands on during weekends, but we don't have family support.

My 7 week old has terrible eczema, his eye is swollen shut and barely slept last night and my 2 year old has a horrific hacking cough. We have two sick kids.

My sister lives 10 mins down the road from my so I feel so mean saying I can't help her but for one I have no capacity for her problems but secondly, this is a cycle that has been going on for years and I've bailed her out before and it's ended in tears, so I'm not doing it again.

She refuses to rent. Thinks it's a waste of money. Doesn't like sharing with people. Doesn't like the conditions (mould). She rented in 2021 and lasted less than a year, fell out with her flatmate, didn't like the noise and thin walls. During the short time she lived there she met her then bf, who asked her to move in after a few months. It was a real whirlwind and ended up him blindsiding her and asking her to move out. It turns out she's in a lot of debt. I don't know if this put him off but she came to me asking to move in... I said yes. I was pregnant with DC1.

It was awful, she was heartbroken and miserable the whole time, didn't have much respect for the house, came in with no sleep at 7am and spent the weekend sleeping on the sofa, in the garden and when I asked her to go sleep in her room she said she didn't want to. She finally found somewhere to rent and came home in tears saying she thought the break up was a big mistake and he would change his mind and the contract was a reality hit. Maybe I should have put my arm around her but I did plenty of that, even when I was pregnant with Covid and she hasn't moved in yet she was calling me everyday crying down the phone. I instead told her the flat was exciting and a fresh new start. She screamed at me. I had been at work all day, was tired, hot and resented she was shouting at me in my own home.

He let her stay at his for a few weeks then she stayed rent free for 5 weeks, added to the shopping bill but didn't pay anything but she did put money towards my baby shower, regardless it annoyed me I was absorbing her break up, and having the last summer without kids looking after her and she wasn't even grateful.

We do have a 'family home' but no one has loved it or lived there properly for years. My Dad passed away now but was living there at the time with a carer and even though it is in striking distance by train to the city, she refused at the time to live there stating dad 'poos everywhere' and it wasn't a nice environment. Of course she could have but I have a nice house which is a short commute to the city with a lovely spare room and en suite so she wanted to live here.....

The next flat didn't work out, she said it was mouldy and she wasn't happy and the landlord wanted to sell up anyway so that lasted 6 months. By this time our baby was born so she didn't even try to move back in. She had met her 'now' boyfriend by then too.

Her next move was to move back to our family home after all. By this point Dad was in full time care living elsewhere so it was empty, still barely habitable but she moved in with the view if she wasn't paying rent she would clear her debt.

One year after she moved back in, she told me she hadn't cleared a penny. That trains/coming were expensive and so was cost of living so she didn't have spare money just by moving back. She was still with her bf and told me he had told her she would move in with him at some point during the year.

He was true to his word and recently she 'moved in'. I'm not sure how much of her debt she has cleared if any......... all I know is despite being together 2 years, he says he doesn't love her and despite 'moving in' she was using a key box and didn't have a key. I found these both to be huge red flags.

Today she tells me they have had a huge row and he's told her to pack her things and move out. He first reaction is to ask to come here. I just can't entertain it because she will ask to stay the night and another night and soon enough we are back to square one again with her wanting to stay here. My husband uses the spare room to get sleep so one of us is able to look after our toddler. We need it. I can't entertain her problems today because I am broken with no sleep, 7 weeks of it... (2 years of it?!).

She is going back to our 'family' home which no one has been in since she moved out months ago. My Dad has passed so we are selling it but I would be surprised if squatters hadn't moved into it by now, it's totally falling apart, it will be freezing cold, it will be hellish. I'd be surprised if hot water and heating even work!

I feel terrible. Really guilty. I just don't get why she can't clear her god damn debt and rent like the rest of us did! I met my husband when I rented, and she has met her past two bfs when she had her own independence and rented. She hangs around like a lady in waiting for these men to invite her to live with them and her whole life plan is underpinned by a man (or me) bailing her out.

She will get some money when we sell the family home and she will buy somewhere but that could be a year away. I want to be a shoulder to cry on, I want to help her I just don't want to be a solution to the problem.

Am I being unreasonable?

You don't have to justify yourself to us or her.

YANBU

No. You can't help
She should be helping YOU
She has somewhere to go.
If she is cold she can buy an electric heater.
If she is hungry she can buy a microwave and some readymeals.
Don't give her any excuses or criticisms. Don't be sucked in
She will land on her feet one way or another
Tbh your support is probably enabling her refusal to grow up.

My sister would never ever have bailed me out the way you have described despite me being a rather needy dependent person and finding myself in several "scrapes" - and I think it has given me wings to have to sort out my problems MYSELF over last twentyfive years, and create my own family network/friendships. Yes I resented her lack of support at various junctures but it taught me many valuable lessons.

Boundaries can be unnerving but they do work long-term.

You’ve done a lot to try to justify it there. Are you sure that seeing her wouldn’t have been quicker than typing all of that out and dwelling on it?

Helpful reply from @Nettleskeins. YANBU to be feeling guilty, we feel how we feel, but YANBU for laying down boundaries. You can care for and love her without fixing everything. You’re not her mum and she’s an adult. Sounds hard though, I’m sure many of us would feel exactly the same. Your greatest responsibility is to your poorly kids just now, and yourself.

The OP said that if she saw her, her sister would expect to stay again.

The OP is feeling guilty and would find it harder to say no face to face, or at least that’s how I read it?

That’s a long thread for someone who has too much going on…
maybe just a quick chat with her but then make your excuses and get off the call and don’t offer to help. A flat out no and a lengthy number post feels mean.

Yes, I’d just have phoned her and listened for a bit while being clear on her not saying with me.

(it’s also crazy that you’ve inherited a house you think may have squatters because no one has been in it for months!)

OP, you are not being at all unreasonable. You have two sick children; you need your spare room now for your family, and you know from experience that if you give your sister an inch, she’ll take a mile. Your focus should be on your own family. Yes, it’s sad that DS has broken up with her man, but she will carry on repeating this behaviour if she thinks that you’re always there for her to run to - and it doesn’t sound as though she respects boundaries anyway. You have gone above and beyond in the past: now, you need to focus in your own family. No reason whatsoever to feel guilty.

YANBU. You've got a baby and a little one to deal with. Sounds like she's had plenty of time and opportunities to sort herself out but has chosen not to do anything proactive to improve 'her lot'. That's not your responsibility. I'd feel guilty too but you've done the right thing to say 'no' this time round. If everyone bails her out all the time, how will she ever stand on her own 2 feet?!

What help has she offered you since DC2 was born? Has she taken your toddler out to the park? Brought round any food? Offered to hold the baby while you rest?

You have a sick 7 week old, a toddler and you're sleep deprived.
You don't have to give your precious remaining energy to a grown adult who is suffering the fall out from self made drama.

Yanbu and it may be that being forced to stand on her own two feet will be the making of her. Put your oxygen mask on before helping anyone else.

There's a lot of reasons and excuses in your post Op but at the heart of it is the real reason - your DSis keeps making the same old mistakes and then looks to you to help her when it all goes wrong again. Your DSis could have lived at your Dad's house and got out of debt but she didn't, that doesn't mean you now have to take her in again, you've tried to help but she sabotages herself. She seems to move in with lots of people who don't really want her there, is your DSis one of those people who hates living alone?

YANBU at all

She is a grown up who wants to be taken care of and looked after by other people and not own any responsibility for herself. Woman-child.

Do not let her through your doorway.

And do not let her talk you out of your share of the proceeds of the house when it sells. She'll just piss it away anyways.

You need to prioritise your children and yourself.
Your sister needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and she won't do that if she constantly uses you to bail her out of situations. You have given her plenty of help in the past.
She sounds very selfish.
Don't feel guilty.

No I wouldn't pander to her anymore, I think you have been more than kind already, so it's time she grew up and took responsibility for herself. She will never do that if you rescue her all the time. What age is she?

Sell the house for the first offer made, then move on.

You seem to have taken time to write quite a lot here, perhaps a 10 minute phone call just to say “I am so sorry, come over to meet up at * “ would have been reasonable.
Always make time for family- I have learned that.

YANBU

YANBU for saying no to your sister

YABU for allowing "family" home to stand empty for years on end - sell it or rent it out.

THIS

You're being u reasonable not to pick up the phone and just listen in a slightly disinterested way, and then spend the time typing it all up on here. Especially if you expect she will ask to stay - just be prepared with your excuse.
If you expect the house may be in disrepair or have squatters surely her staying there will be helpful???

You could have just offered emotional support.

Yanbu to not want her staying with you. You need to prioritise your own needs and your children’s needs right now. And if having your sister stay doesn’t fit in with that then that’s fair enough.

I’m not sure why you think your family home will have disintegrated loads or have squatters if it’s only been a few months since your sister was staying there? If it’s in the process of being sold surely you’re still paying the bills and having her living there will be good for the house!

When is it going to be sold? Get it done at auction to get it done fast. Especially if it’s in bad condition. Sounds like neither of you have much emotional connection to it anymore and your sister certainly could do with the money to put towards her own house. Every month you delay is costing you both money.

But OP hasn’t got the headspace for that phone call right now, she’s probably come on here to vent more than anything

If I had time I would have gone back and edited but I definitely did not on Saturday and don't now either so a chunk of a reply too.

I also felt the context was relevant, probably an insight into how guilty I felt.

Same way I didn't have capacity to call her but have now spoken to her. She is absolutely shattered this has happened again but still has done nothing so far about finding somewhere to live. Has not heard from him either. She thinks he will calm down and change his mind. It's this delusion again like last time.. I think he is a coward and rather than end things he's used the first opportunity to place the blame on her. Which she cannot see.

She needs her own independence to get her confidence back up, and should be speaking to agents and scouring the market but said she is going to wait a week to see what he does and she plans to stay at the family home for a few months.... anything but rent then.

It could take a year for money to come in from the house and in the mean time we need to sell it. It was actually her bf who suggested squatters might move in, perhaps an insight into what he was thinking with regards to her not moving in long term.

DH me and the DCs will be leaving for 5 weeks end of Jan, husband taking unpaid leave so we can enjoy this once in a lifetime opportunity. Was a big decision and we decided the nursery fees and bills we will save will be enough to not rent our house out. She is well aware of the trip, and i am waiting for the ask of her move in whilst we are gone. On principle alone, I will say no as to not enable her to kick the can down the road even more.... the answer will be go and rent and stop asking me to bail you out. She doesn't take my advice, I think she resents me even and was disrespectful last time.