How would you handle this? PIL a little controlling

[pandarific]

PIL have got into the habit of having Expectations of their grown children, and making a big fuss when people have other plans, and I’m wondering if there’s anything to be done bar tiptoeing around them. Caveated to say I am very very fond of them and they have been very good to me and are generally lovely people, it’s just they seem to have got into a bad habit over the past few years.

For example: PIL have said they want to buy DS (4) a bike for Christmas - lovely, thank you very much, bike purchased, all good. Last year I really wanted to get the kids one of those electric cars that you can get into, but we didn’t really have the money. I spotted a great one yesterday for a good price and it’s big enough they could share it - I said to DH shall we get it for them and his first reaction was it will cause an issue with MIL/PIL because they have got her a bike.

Am I being socially stunted here (I have form), or is this a bit controlling?

I often get told we can’t do x or y because it will annoy PIL because they have helped us with x or y - but often they have offered the help, we haven’t asked, and then it turns into an obligation. Maybe this is normal, it just chafes me as I had a very controlling mother and have managed to get free and independent and maintain my boundaries.

Does he know kids can have more than one big toy. His parents will have to get over it. This is why it's so difficult to accept gifts from controlling people they always come with conditions.
Just because they've helped out in the past doesn't mean you owe them your entire life.
Sorry bit of a rant.

Do what you did with your mum.

Open communication.

Remind them how things happened if necessary - if they start going ‘we help you with childcare [you owe us]’ remind them that they offered. We had EXACTLY that with toxic FIL and the amount of times I had to say ‘we let DS go to you as you asked, I would rather see him more than I do, this is something we are doing for you, not the other way around’. FIL is more toxic than your PILs sound so you probably won’t need to be so direct so often!

Those cars are a complete waste of money and an environmental plastic monstrosity. My neighbors kids get bored in theirs after 5 minutes.

A bike and a car is too much in my opinion for Christmas.

I'd do whatever I wanted (within reason e.g. I wouldn't buy a bike knowing PIL had bought one) and move on with my life. Leave DH to deal with them.

I wouldn’t think twice, buy the car if that’s what you want to get them. If PIL say anything then put them in their place, otherwise it sounds like a DH issue.

I wouldn’t get the car as I think they’re awful and barely used but I don’t like your husbands reaction.
Christmas presents shouldn’t have to be from anyone in particular either - it's very possible the bike won’t be as big as a deal as they hoped due to the weather.
Buying presents hoping for gratitude is a bit controlling - can you buy accessories for the bike? It’s okay to buy stuff that children need during the year too - so maybe you can purchase a swing for summer as you’ve saved on the bike purchase?

It’s not about the specific presents, that’s just an example to show the kind of thing they apparently get huffy about.

Another example - say if MIL wanted to gift us money to take the kids to Alton towers or wherever, but our dishwasher broke at a time when we simply didn’t have the funds for a new one, so she very kindly gives us the money for that instead. Many thanks given. But then… at what point is it okay for us to take the kids to the aforementioned place ourselves, or is it just off limits? I never know the rules and always seem to be at risk of pissing them off, which I would rather not do.

What does she actually do or say to make you feel the way you do?

All I get from your post is vagueness.

Oh I wouldn’t even think of that, go to Alton towers whenever you want. It’s about the money not what it’s used for surely? When you go to Alton towers your dishwasher won’t be broken, as you’ve got a new one, hence can afford to go to Alton towers.

To whoever asked how they get huffy: MIL will complain to SIL, who then tells DH who tells me, OR when they are seriously peed off, I get ratty texts from MIL, OR whenever PIL are on the phone to DH they’ll have a go at him for upsetting them. We live some distance away but are in regular contact.

Again, they are generally lovely people, just getting into tho habit of being (imo) unreasonably touchy about things I wouldn’t give a second thought to.

@pandarific what do these texts actually say?

Your update doesn’t really explain anymore than your OP.

I really don't get/understand how people are so enmeshed in other peoples lives! They are your children if you want to take them to Alton Towers take them, you get a text message about it, laugh it off!
Grow up, stop accepting money from them and parent your own children

You can't please people who are looking to be offended.

You need to drop the rope.

Who cares if they get huffy? They should count themselves lucky they don't have real problems.

If you want to go to Alton towers, do it! You don't have to wait some unspecified time when it's ok by them. You're the parent here, this is your chance at giving your kids the childhood you want them to have. Why are you letting in laws control that?!

Also, they're not sounding "generally lovely". They're sounding contrary and controlling. Perhaps reflect on if the loveliness only extends to when you are doing as you're told. Truly lovely people want the best for their family ... not what's best for them.

You have an odd idea of what lovely people are op.. They are snipey and controlling
. Stop accepting money and the strings will drop..

Your child is too young for two huge Christmas presents that are both used outdoors.

Get him something he can play with in the house and if you're determined to get him an electric car, do it in late spring. Bear in mind kids hardly use them, though.

I can kind of see why she might be annoyed if you asked for money for a dishwasher, then took the kids to Alton towers? Safest thing to do: just don’t take money from them. As for controlling what I got my own kids for Christmas, that would be a hard no!

They sound awful and controlling. Stop taking money off them , letting them do you favours and then there's no obligation and you can do what you want. No way would I let anyone dictate where I can take my child or what I can buy them.

Sounds like your DH is the problem. They actually haven't said anything about you getting your children a car?. It's all about what your husband thinks they will do.

All it should take is him standing up for his family.

Tbh, generally lovely people don't send ratty texts if their son/DIL buys a present for their own kids, or takes their own kids to a theme park. I wouldn't stand for that nonsense. They are using their 'generosity' to control you.

Feeling vindicated by these responses as I’ve always stood my ground but wondered was I missing something and being somehow unreasonable.

Nice to know - I shall crack on as I have been then!

Stop tiptoeing, do what you want, and if there's huffiness, pretend not to notice. Tell DH not to tell you about the daft texts or whatever he's getting - if he wants to engage with the manufactured drama that's his choice but he can leave you out of it. Drop the rope.