Perspective needed

[BeDenimFawn]

Hi all...
I'm a mum, 54, starting after many years to date again and try and find the last happy ever after.
I have one at home still.
Met a guy who's older again but has been separated for 5 years and has a child of 5. Many previous issues of infidelity on the part of his ex wife which caused the breakdown of his marriage .
Coparenting and fully supporting his ex. She works as an interior designer and work isn't always guaranteed.
This where aibu gets me and I wonder at my feelings and whether I should walk away.
We've been together 9 months, separate places of course.
I'm not allowed yet to meet the child although twice she has said I can and it has been arranged and then literally at the last minute she changes her mind and says it can't happen.
I've offered for her and I to meet separately, in case she feels worried about me as a person but she says that's not necessary.
Moving on I've just not pushed anything but it does make time together extremely difficult as I'm not able to be with him when he has his child. So we tend to just manage one night a week (I also am a nurse and work shifts which doesn't help). Occasionally he will invite me over when his child is in bed, but I have to arrive once he's asleep, hide if he gets up and leave after an hour or two. But some weeks with shifts etc this is the only night/time we get.
A couple of things have happened recently and I'm now even more questioning this relationship..
Briefly, we had our one night and we went out, he'd bought me flowers and a beautiful bunch was on the side for me. We had a great night and on returning we were going to bed and I went to turn on the small bedroom light and another bunch of flowers was on the side..hidden...I asked him and he said it was for his ex and it was just being friendly/keeping the peace. I was not happy, it made my flowers mean nothing if hes buying the exact same for his ex..no or aibu?
Second thing...she's going on a hen do but got the date wrong and it's today not next week. We were due to be going out our own night today, so he phoned me and said we couldn't and had to do something during the day. I asked why I couldn't maybe pop over when his child was in bed and he admitted that actually he was going to hers to babysit and also look after her dog for her. So in my head she messes her plans and then last minute he offers to drop our plans to help her with her plans...or aibu??
Thank you...

Find someone else... he doesn't seem
That into you!

You say he’s been separated for five years but has a five year old? So they must have separated when she was pregnant/had a newborn? He must also be a good deal older than his ex?

I would walk away from this one. It doesn’t sound like he’s over her.

Sorry hun but he still seems stuck on his ex. I'm all for helping out the ex where possible but it seems like she says jump he says how high. I'd throw this one back and find someone who really deserves you x

He is weak and has no spine.
It is his child and he is allowed to introduce his child to his partner - especially after waiting 9 months, and add in the fact you’ve been overly gracious with offering to meet the ex first and understanding about the multiple cancellations and inconveniences.
The fact that he caters to her whims and doesn’t set boundaries means that you’re not even second in his priority list. He, at this time, is not capable of being a good partner.
Get out before you meet the kid and it becomes ten times messier. If he truly valued you he would’ve already willingly (and without being told) stood up for your relationship.

5 months is quite early to meet the child. I never introduced a boyfriend to my kids until the the relationship was a lot longer. Occasionally one came over for dinner or something when kids were there but they were very much a friend. I have friends over for dinner frequently so it was not unusual.
I also had boyfriends come over after the kids were in bed and leave before they got up. Because that was the only way we could see each other as I didn't have a regular babysitter.
So I get his point on the DC side. I can almost understand the babysitting dog staying over but it does seem a bit much.
However the flowers seem very odd to me. That's just bizarre. It's not mother's day or anything so he didn't need to sort something out on DC behalf.
So on balance he may just not be over his ex I'm afraid

It feels like you need to have a conversation with him and let him know how you are feeling - you need more and is he willing to give it? If so great and if not you can consider your options .
Agree he needs to grow some balls, it's not up to his Ex to dictate when he introduces you to his child - he needs to just tell her

Does he want you to meet the child, it doesn’t sound like he’s pushing very hard for it. Maybe he’s not wanting to rock the boat with his ex for a relationship of 9 months because they have a good co parenting relationship. I’d tell him how you’re feeling and see what he says. That would determine whether to stay or go

OP says they’ve been together 9 months.

Whichever way you look at it, he's not putting you first. I would get out before this gets more complicated.

Pull back. It sounds like you are doing way too much accommodating here.

Stop running around to his house for snippets of time.

Why would you want to meet the child if you're not sure about the relationship. I don't think you have the childs interest in mind here. Yeah j know it would be easier for you to see more of him him if you met but it can be painful for the child for you to be in there life and then come out of it.

Listen to your gut about him. You're feeling something is off so there is.

OK sorry my misreading early. I think I waited until a year. Most other threads in this forum also suggest waiting a similar time.
In my case I wanted to ensure the relationship had legs before introducing. I was right as one of my relationships ended around 9 months so was v glad I hadn't introduced him

Many previous issues of infidelity on the part of his ex wife which caused the breakdown of his marriage

A likely story

How old is he Op?

I think he’s right you shouldn’t meet the child. Child is young and it’s only been 9m. I would be very wary of anyone who was pushy on that side of things to me which is sounds like you are being tbh.

I also think you aren’t compatible. He may be older but he’s at a different parenting stage and he also seems still quite caught in his previous family life. That’s not wrong per se and for him to work out his emotions about it all but definitely not something I’d want any part of as a new partner.

Throw this one back to the dating pool and look around again.

He's 59

I’d run from this; my experience as a step parent and from others is that boundaries are needed with an ex and they can’t be afraid to challenge their ex. If they’re going to skip to their tune then you will be to and it’s not a way to live

I wasn't wanting to meet his child I thought it was much too early but he was insisting at the time and she was in agreement. After the two failed attempts I haven't said anymore about it.