AIBU in thinking GP’s are not entitled to see their grandchildren?

[sushiandarollie]

I have a very narcissistic FIL, our relationship has completely broken down due to his behaviour (see previous post of mine) but in essence he phoned up my husband a couple of months ago being critical of everything we have said /done wrong, nit picking from conversations, that he hated me and all stemming from ‘my influence’. He’s come around to apologise- all very rehearsed and more of ‘I didn’t think anything I said offended you but IF it did , I apologise’. He’s understanding that the relationship is irreparably damaged but is adamant with quite some entitlement that it shouldn’t stop him seeing his grandchild (our DS who is 3). How do I fix this?

In your position I would suggest to DH that you don’t decide now about contact for DS, that he just focuses on what he wants for himself.

If he wants a relationship with his dad then let him try that for a year and see how it goes. Keep DS out of the equation for that time. DH visits on his own, rebuilds the relationship and sees if his dad has changed his behaviour towards you.

If it goes well after a year he can begin to include your son (no need for you to be involved unless you want to). If it goes poorly then your son hasn’t been caught up in the middle.

Yes constantly criticises. Constantly ‘you didn’t do this last month, you should have done this’ , and gives unwanted ‘advice’ all the time. DS is only 2 so he doesn’t pick up on it yet

I think it’s quite reasonable to break contact yourself with fil, in the first incidence perhaps temporarily. It’s unlikely he’ll change but if he knows the extent of your distress it’s not impossible. DH of course makes up his own mind. Grandchildren are a different issue, the grandchild may lose out if he doesn’t and could even resent it later. Just as rotten husbands/partners can well have something to offer children, the same with grandparents

An apology doesn't mean access ... that's not an apology, that's a relationship. I would just say, "While I appreciate your apology, I'm afraid your behaviour was abhorrent and I cannot expose myself nor my child to anyone who thinks that level of behaviour is ok. Maybe in time when you have truly accepted accountability and have demonstrated consistent changed behaviour, we could have another conversation around you having a relationship with me and my child but at the moment it's important for you to manage your expectations because this is not going to happen right now. Please understand that there will never be a point where you will be around my child without me being present"

if your partner still has a relationship with FIL, you can establish how his behaviour presents over time and make a decision in the future OR he may have a really bad reaction to being told no which tells you everything you need to know and NC should be maintained.

Why are people always forthcoming about building bridges when holidays are coming up? Because THEY want access to YOUR children ... it's exhausting. If their behaviour was nice for the rest of the year, they wouldn't find themselves in this position in the first place.