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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want DC to go to grammar school even though I did?

29 replies

Jyi · 22/11/2024 15:46

Based on my own experiences I didn't want grammar school education for my children. I was coached from around age 8, thought getting in was the be all and end all, once in found the environment competitive and took me years to settle. Again, the academic pressure was stifling and ramped up more with GCSEs and A levels. Despite becoming a well paid professional in adulthood I am often anxious, suffer imposter syndrome and feel a complete and utter failure that I am not outstanding. I was ruminating the other day about doing a PhD so I could 'prove' myself (to who!?). I wonder if I'm burnt out sometimes. I wanted my children more than anything to believe in their own worth and not feel their value lies in what exams they have done or publications they have to their name.

However, I was explaining to an old friend how we considered moving house and didn't as that would throw us into a council with this system. She pointed out that I got outstanding GCSEs and a levels (which I did, I got the top grade for every qualification I sat) and was a bit dismissive of my reasons saying I was denying my kids an opportunity and 'pulling up the ladder' based on my prejudices.

I've got a few years to move yet, so tell me, am I unreasonable? Should I reconsider?

OP posts:
angelcake20 · 22/11/2024 17:30

And I now teach at our local comp and that definitely wasn't an option even before I moved there.

Firey40 · 22/11/2024 17:47

Remember you are a different parent to the way you were parented :)

With everything you went though, you're more likely to be careful NOT to pressurise and hot-house your children

Just be aware that it can go too far the other way though, and you deny them opportunities out of fear

As others have said, talk to your children. Be honest about your feelings. Do research with them, and go to open days. Accept there is no 'perfect' choice

ReturnoftheBink · 22/11/2024 18:35

For me it would depend on the actual options available rather than the theory. I went to a super selective grammar school - the teaching wasn’t great TBH. They always got close to the top of the league tables for the whole country but TBF it was super selective so they would, wouldn’t they? plus they subtley filtered out people they thought would not get top marks. Other grammars may be a million miles from this.

The behaviour was probably better than the comps my friends went to, but they pretty such all got top marks there too.

whiteroseredrose · 22/11/2024 18:42

I think times will have changed a lot since you went to school.

I have two family members who have given up teaching in the past couple of years, despite teaching in leafy comprehensives, because of pupil behaviour. Things seem to have gone downhill since the pupils were at home during Covid.
Neither family member had had any discipline problems previously.

My DC chose to go to single sex Grammars. Both are very academic anyway so the pressure wasn't a problem. Most parents are engaged and the DC want to be there which helps a lot.

I would consider the Grammars, but only if your children actually want to go.

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