Teenage hormones ...

[haze46]

Long post incoming.........

I (F42) have a son (14) his Dad and I separated when he was a baby, he lives with me, his stepdad and younger brother (3) full-time and sees his Dad at the weekends. He has a very close relationship with his Grandfather and has until now been a joy to raise. He's never given me any trouble and has been a well-rounded kid, well until recently. He seems to have developed this uncontrollable rage, and seems to take some sort of enjoyment in antagonising his brother, don't get me wrong the toddler is dramatic and usually the instigator but he takes it too far, for context he'll be asked to stop touching, hitting him several times, and when he leaves a room, his parting shot is to hit him or purposefully take a toy or move it out of his reach solely to annoy him.

He has a girlfriend now and they spend a lot of time talking on the phone, we've been clashing over this and what is an acceptable time for bed, I control his devices, his phone and his X-box and he is warned prior but I shut them off at 10.30pm (which I think is more than fair). But because he's been talking to this wee girl (who is nice btw) she just doesn't seem to have the same boundaries he's been getting really angry when the phone gets switched off, shouting, banging etc which is horrid at 10.30pm when the toddler is in bed and I'm usually trying to get into mine too. Even just opening his door to talk to him now is becoming confrontational, as he's usually on the phone and then muting it and is very rude, shut up, go away, get out my room etc. I get it, I'm embarrassing, I was a teenager once too but he's quite nasty. The other night I'd had enough and told him, that each night he was nasty screen time was coming down 30 mins, which despite his rage I stuck to.

Fast forward to this morning, he's in the shower and his phone alarm goes off, his wee brother gets the phone to switch off the alarm and then hides in my bed with his phone, as soon as he comes out I tell him, "buddy, you phones here" and give him his phone, he then proceeds to repeatedly scuffs his brother on the head, I asked him several times to stop it, I said to him once more and I was taking his phone, he did it again and then threw a cushion at him, next to glasses and glass lamp. I was like right that's it, phone's away. He then proceeds to almost square up to be me, like your not taking my phone. I told him to go away and get out of my room, he then tried to snatch my phone off me, trying to get it out of my hand. He started shouting that I didn't like my phone being removed either. I said his was a privilege, he was 14.

Full of rage, he then called me "a fat fuck" and stomped into his room slamming the door! Arguing at that moment was pointless as I was really pissed and hurt and to be honest shocked. I can't expect him to control his temper if I can't and if I reduce myself to arguing I've lost.

Anyway, I had a shower, got dressed and then calmly said he him "he had crossed a line, that I was disgusted at what an entitled boy he was turning into and that I was telling his Grandfather how he's behaved and would be cancelling their plans for the weekend as he wasn't being rewarded for his attitude. He then told me to "Fuck off" stomped out of the house and took himself off to school with no lunch or snack.

I am now tearful, I feel on my own, his stepdad does parent him but we have different opinions and I don't think his approach would help but I know he's struggling to keep a lid on it too. I don't know what to do for the best, or how appropriately to punish him, I have locked the phone, and he's not getting that back, I've also taken his Xbox controller and I've spoken with my Dad who is going to take him to work with him tomorrow and speak to him. But do I keep adding to it, no phone, no Xbox, grounded, no laptop etc. This is not okay and he's crossed a line.

I think the fact that my Dad knows is probably what will hurt him the most. But to be quite frank, I'm pretty disgusted with him, I'm so sad that my son has behaved like that and I feel like I've failed, both of us. I can't stop thinking about it because it's such a step change in him and his personality, what has happened to my lovely little boy. Before anyone asks I don't think anything is going on externally, like being bullied or anything, sadly I think he's just full of hormones and has a sense of entitlement.

Parenting teenagers is really tough, there is no manual! I don't think I am, as I'm his parent, not his pal but am I being too controlling?

OP I feel your pain. My DS 15 went through a really bad phase aged 14 and a lot of what was happening was the same as you are describing.
I felt like a lot of our interactions were negative and even when I was trying hard to be positive, he would act badly and I would get mad.

Honestly the only way things got better was for me to have clear implications for poor behaviour and for me to stick to them. I kept escalating the punishments which only caused him to feel powerless. He was reacting badly and saying hurtful things as he had little self control and I was feeding into that.

I put in clear boundaries and rules and he knew what the punishments were. If he acted badly on top of that I stopped adding to the punishments (if that makes sense). I would go from 1 punishment to 5 in the space of 3 mins!

I also got him involved in nicer activities with me which gave us a chance to have some pleasant time together. I also apologized when I went overboard and made sure I took responsibility for my poor reactions. I totally had to work on my self control too and model calmer behaviour even when I felt like killing him.
We actually havent had a falling out in weeks now, its amazing.

Lots of people will tell you you are too controlling and 10.30 is too early for bed etc but I have strict boundaries in place and I dont apologize for them. Good habits start young!

Best of luck

OP just on telling your dad. I watched loads of videos about this issue and one thing that stood out to me is that teenagers can act badly and then not take responsibility due to feeling shame. This shame blocks them from accepting what they have done is wrong and so they continue that stance.

The advise was to say things like " I am hurt that you called me those names but I am sure you understand that it wasnt kind and you wont do it again".
It takes the pressure off them but also allows them to acknowledge the behaviour.
I would normally think that stuff is pandering to bad behaviour and they just need a kick up the backside but I felt it was true for my ds so I did this and it worked. He would find it easier to come to me and say sorry and when he did I thanked him for it and moved on (without a further lecture).

Telling others that he loves and respects will compound the shame if that is how he is feeling and will probably have the opposite effect.

Don't blame yourself OP, phones/devices are seriously adictive for kids. Adults too. Hence massive reactions when they can't access them.

I would do exactly what you have done and keep layering on the sanctions. If/when he does get devices back, I would seriously consider an hour per day limit. Encourage life outside of them.

Take a deep breath and try and stay calm. It can feel like the end of the world after a row with a teenager and you worry that they're going off the rails! But please be assured, this is very normal. Give yourself and him space to calm down. When he does, he will probably feel ashamed at how he spoke to you. Try not to pile on the punishments. Removal of his phone for a short time is a reasonable punishment but don't keep upping the ante, however tempting, by adding grounding and no Xbox etc. The main thing is to continue to keep a close and loving relationship. Your son has a step dad and toddler that he lives with - this was not his choice but yours. He is bound to find his little brother annoying at times and being 14 he doesn't always deal with it in the best way! Does he have a good relationship with stepdad? Does he feel a bit pushed out? When the hormones are raging and he is rude and gets angry, he needs you to be the grown up and stay calm - walk away if necessary and say 'We can talk about this when we're both feeling calmer' and give yourself a bit of space.

I feel for you OP and I wish I had some useful advice but I would just say - please protect your younger child. Siblings will be siblings of course but a 14 year old being physical with a 3 year old is completely unacceptable.