Ok vipers I know you all love a DH hobby one! Sense check me here please. Sorry it's quite long, I don't want to drip feed.
TLDR: DH does a martial art once a week all year round plus Sunday mornings and weekenders and is inflexible about it to the point it impacts on me, I'm already fed up, now he wants to do it on an additional night of the week as much as possible around my (less frequent) hobby. AIBU to have said no?
The full details:
DH does a (relatively unknown) martial art. He did it before we met but when we got married he stopped doing it because he moved to where I live and never sorted out joining a club. I researched for him and found him one locally but he never got in contact.
Fast forward about 12 years and hitting middle age spread and he finally went and joined. Great! I was happy he had a hobby (he doesn't really do anything other than work).
He goes once a week, and it's a day of the week where there are lots of things that I would like to do happening locally (it seems to be the night for all the local clubs and gatherings), so we discussed that sometimes it would be ok for me to do something on that night with enough notice.
However this hasn't happened because any time I say there's something on that evening I'd like to go to, no matter how much notice, he gets a right face on him and is all huffy about it, with lots of comments like "well you could go I guess but I'll be missing learning x element/seeing a travelling sensei/catching up with Dave etc." You get the idea.
So over the years I've learned not to bother trying to do something on that evening. The biggest impact of this on me has been that every couple of months I have to go to a meeting in the nearest big city (2 hours away) where I have some friends I don't often see.
I would have loved occasionally to stay on after the meeting and arrange to meet one of my friends for coffee or early dinner, but DH always says "will you be back in time for my club? What time will you get back? Which train will you get?" so I've not felt I could do that. This means there are some people I haven't seen for a very long time, who I could see if he wasn't so inflexible around his club.
You can already hear my resentment! The other thing is that the club is 52 weeks a year. It doesn't stop for school holidays. So I literally can never do anything on that evening.
Occasionally one of the kids will have something on that night and he expects me to juggle both of them rather than staying home to help, unless I specifically ask him to in which case he does, but with a moody attitude about it.
And then this week he came home from his club saying "I'm thinking of doing my club on a different night".
That night is a night when I go and practice with my band, it's once a fortnight maximum, and so I don't drip feed the band does paid gigs and so although it's a hobby it also brings in a bit of income (and at the very least it breaks even). We don't do many gigs though, maybe six a year. I do also go to a local open mic once a month with the band, but not every month (I haven't been since September for example).
I thought he meant he wanted to swap to that night, which was bad enough as it clashes with my hobby, but it turned out he wants to do his original night AND the extra night.
He also does his club on as many Sunday mornings as he can, and at least 3-4 weekenders a year and would like to do lots more, except I think it's unfair as I don't go away (we can't afford it for one thing) and he hardly spends any time with the kids as it is - at home he hides in his office even at weekends and we have to go and fish him out.
It goes without saying that I research and organise any and all family activities that we do.
We also have two SEN kids, one of which also has a long term health condition and needs care, so doing bedtimes solo is hard work and takes hours. We usually take one child each.
When I go to band practice he puts the youngest to bed but usually lets the eldest stay up so that affects her health condition for a few days afterwards.
So, he now has his arse in his hands over me saying I don't want him to do the extra night as well as the regular all year round night (and the Sundays and weekenders).
He was saying "but you do your band and your sport" but the sport I do is with the kids in the daytime and doesn't affect him at all.
(Plus, he can practice a lot of his sport at home, all the solo stuff, but mine and the kids we can't because it needs specialist equipment.)
So, AIBU to not want him to do the extra night? He would do it any time I wasn't at band practice so it could be more than once a fortnight of him going to his club on the extra night if we weren't practicing for a gig.
I just feel like it will then start to take over as being "his" night and he will get arsy and resentful of my band practices. Plus I feel like he over prioritises his hobby and is really inflexible around it so I don't want it taking any more of his time and headspace.
AIBU?