What is going on with me?!

[MoreCoffeePlease78]

I was single for around a year and then around a year ago, I started dating someone new. I’m a lesbian so obviously it’s a female-female relationship. She’s absolutely perfect in every single way for me. She takes great care of me, has never shown a red flag in the slightest, makes the effort to spend quality time with me, we get on great and have never fallen out (so far), are very similar. She makes me feel safe and happy… until the other night when I was laying in bed with her, a huge wave of anxiety came over me and I just thought ‘I don’t think I actually want this’… and I got out of bed and slept on the sofa all night instead.

I have quite bad anxiety anyway (which I am in therapy for) so I don’t know if it’s playing up at the moment and chosen to pick this because having a relationship does put me outside of my comfort zone (which isn’t always a bad thing).

I just don’t know what the hell has come over me and I don’t want my anxiety to ruin possibly the best, healthiest and happiest relationship I’ve had in my life…

Has anyone else ever experienced this?

Are you sure its not just cold feet? Things moving a bit fast?

I think it could potentially be cold feet because usually I love spending time with her, it’s my favourite part of the week (we spend about 2-3 days together a week because of her shift pattern). Also, I’m not entirely comfortable sleeping next to someone due to my own issues but I’ve been forcing it to spend that extra time with her, maybe if I stop that for a while and see if it helps with the anxiety?

Why did you need to go and sleep on the sofa though?

Did she ask why?

I just couldn’t settle after that wave of anxiety and I just needed my own space… I said I was struggling to sleep and didn’t want to disturb her

Sounds like it's a bit intense and you're feeling a bit stifled, or at least worried about the expectations that are being built.

Perhaps there's a part of you worried that she's "too perfect" - that she's mirroring you to some extent and this isn't 100% the real her?

Could it be an act of self-sabotage? Something I have done in the past. It's like I sometimes don't allow myself to be happy or have a "oh it's all bound tonight end in tears" mentality and then it does go wrong.

Sounds like it's the co sleeping that triggered it so maybe just take things a little slower.

Tell her you have general anxiety and worry it will come across in a negative way to her. She needs to know how you feel and you need to give her the opportunity to know and support you. Strong relationships need open communication.

I think I definitely have moments where it hits me like ‘oh shit, I’m actually committed to someone and they are relying on me to be on top form or to be reliable etc’ which is hard for me sometimes because I have chronic illnesses and a lot going on with myself that sometimes I can’t show up for myself let alone another person… she’s always fantastic about it and whenever I can’t do 50-50 she makes it up and is there for me… which then makes me feel more shit even though it shouldn’t

I 100% have done this in the past and I think it could be this again! Because of my anxiety, it does push me outside of that comfort zone, and it’s almost like if I push her away then I’m not outside of my comfort zone and my anxiety is less - but obviously that’s a very short term relief and I don’t want to throw my relationship away over anxiety, especially when she’s done nothing wrong and I’m still really really into her, it’s just that blip I had that I’m struggling to move past

Yeah I think I would have been fine had I spent that night alone, I think I’m going to suggest staying separate at night for a while and see how that goes!

That’s great advice, thank you!

Although it sounds like you have a great relationship, this really jumped out at me: the other night when I was laying in bed with her, a huge wave of anxiety came over me and I just thought ‘I don’t think I actually want this’…

You thought, you don't want this - not, is this right for me, do I deserve her, is she too good for me - but is this what you want?

Just because there is very little on paper to suggest that there is a problem doesn't mean there isn't one. Explore that gut feeling. I hope it's just cold feet on your part, but maybe she's just not right for you regardless of the lack of fallings out, etc.

Honestly, this is your anxiety talking. Anxiety will latch on to anything and try to ruin it for you. And then the more you think about it, the more it will spiral and the more anxious you will be around her. You sound like you could do with being on some medication if you aren't already. Don't let your anxiety pin this on your gf as she is not the issue - it's just the way its manifesting right now.