To just stop doing it?

[Bbq1]

I have a 19 year old son. He's a great young man with many great qualities and has never caused us a jot of trouble - except when it comes to getting up/timekeeping. Since he turned 12/13 he has been horrendous at getting up and not leaving until the last available minute. He allows no contingency time for travel. For the last 2 years college was a train ride away and he mostly got their a couple of minutes late. Secondary school is less than a 10 min walk away and again, she always got their by the skin of his teeth. He's started a job this week after months of job hunting and is a hard worker. Where we live, it's a 30 minute bus journey with 2 buses an hour. If he misses it, it's it full or turns up late he will be late for work as he gets the latest bus he can. The job will supplement his passion which he hopes to make a career of.
Sorry i have rambled. Writing it out, it all sounds okay and no problem but the issue is me. I get up, an hour before he's due to leave and cajole and encourage him to get up, which he will eventually do, without fail but but with minutes to spare. He needs an hour to come around and won't put the light on for ages so his bedroom is pitch black atm. I draw his curtains and bring him a cuppa to try to rouse him. If left, his alarm either fails to go off or keeps going off repeatedly, waking us while he sleeps through it and i have to go tell him to switch it off. I'm up and downstairs, going into him, texting him etc saying please get up.
Dh has shared the struggle over the years but rightly so, when ds turned 18 said he would call ds once if necessary but getting up was on him now. I agree. Ds tells me go back to bed, not to worry about it he's fine etc. He tells me i don't have to get up that he's an adult and can manage. Conversely, his s attendance and commitment is fantastic. At Secondary he was off 2 days in 5 years and in the last 2 years at college he didn't miss a day.
Anyway the issue is mine but I feel almost institutionalised after going this getting up scenario for years and can't stop.it. It's really getting me down having to drag myself up to get him up and then spend an hour stressing about it. Dh, my mum and even my son himself tell me to stop, they say i don't need to do it but I can't stop. I have never let my son sleep in/be late and I fear if I left him to entirely get up without my input he would be late. Today it's really got me down, i can't continue it. Do other parents do this? I don't think so. How can I stop?. Sorry for the wall of writing.
Thanks if you've read this far.
Aibu for traffic.

I don’t think it is good parenting to allow a child to run your emotions like this. It seems to me that you are reluctant to allow him to take the consequences of his actions. Maybe you do not want him to be independent. Part of being a parent is giving your child the tools to cope with life. Them watching them take the first steps, falter fall and get up again. You are stifling him by your need to contol him.

Have you ever considered this tardiness is his battle to seize back control into his own hands.

DD1 is 19 and excellent in so many ways but she struggles with getting up in the morning sometimes. At home sometimes she would shout at me for not waking her up (often I had tried and thought she was getting up) and I told her that was not on and she was responsible for getting herself up. She is now at university and she has said she has missed a few 9am sessions but is trying a few different alarms to try and sort it out, and she says she has been a bit better in the last week or so.

I am not actually controlling in any areas of his life. I don't see the morning issue as controlling him. I am actually trying to help him and myself as i would love nothing more than to stay in bed while he gets ready and goes, but I can see how you might think that but honestly, I'm not controlling. I said upthread that I am taking on board all of the advice.

Good question. I will definitely have to ponder that. It is mainly concern about him losing his job that drives it, pure and simple. I certainly don't want to keep him as a child. ouse it to bolster myself as a mum etc. I do very much think our dislike of being late makes me think why isn't he the same. Writing this though, I'm realising we aren't all the same so if it suits dc to get up and go out 10 mins later who am I to try and change that if he's happy with it. Bit of an epiphany here. Thank you for your post, it has really made me think.

I do usually work but currently on long-term sickness absence as recovering from cancer and a bone marrow transplant.
Yeah being out of the house is good call though. You're right he hasn't yet had the opportunity to show he can sort himself out. I feel a bit rubbish about that and am going to change my response and attitude going forward.

Just to add, I don't baby him, never have and in all other areas he is very independent and responsible. He was always given responsibility appropriate to age etc. If he goes out he's never given /was gave a curfew because I trust him. I know he's an adult and i love the adult he's growing into. I am a very good parent although I realise this is one aspect i need to fix. I just want him to be happy in life. I cannot stress how much this thread has made me stop and REALLY think. I want to change and I'm doing it today.

Awww @Bbq1 I really feel for you & completely understand as I do(did?) this but have managed to step back. It helps that I've started running 3 days a week first thing so whilst I still wake my DS18 (also on a gap year working) along with other teen DC going to school, I then leave the house for 35/40 minutes so it's up to them to get up & ready. Appreciate you might not be running right now but a morning fresh air & head space with a podcast is rather lovely way to start the day especially if you work from home.

To start with I would come back and he'd still in bed but after a few days of flustering around cajoling him up and invariably getting cross, I decided it wasn't worth the stressful start to my day & negative impact it was having on our relationship so told him I'd wake him once before I left and that was it. If I'm back before he leaves I now now stay firmly downstairs and have a chilled breakfast and can give a nice cheery goodbye when he leaves. He literally gets up about 5 minutes before he needs to leave - dress, clean teeth and out the door usually running for the bus t . And yes he was late the first week I left him - 2 hours one day - he got a warning & now manages to get there on time.

Ahh, you sound like you’re coping with a lot at the moment. Definitely time to focus on yourself and your wellbeing if you can.

Good luck, OP - hope you’re able to balance things without too much stress soon 💐

I struggle with mornings I get up with just enough time to get where I need to.

I have a lumie light up alarm and I have multiple alarms. It's too easy to snooze alarms so I have separate alarms timed 5 minutes apart. I use apps that make you do things to turn them off.

On school days and getting my daughter ready for school I have alarms through our morning routine so breakfast, get dressed now, need to leave in 10 minutes.

It takes me a long time to go from vaguely awake to awaken it no time at all to go from vaguely awake to back to sleep. My daughter is 4 and very similar and I have to wake her up every morning and deal with the "I'm still sleepy I don't want to wake up yet". So I think at some point we are going to get her a light up alarm to help her wake up. As it is I put her bedroom light on when I go downstairs to put the kettle on then go back up to bring her down to breakfast.

I would ask what support he would like in the mornings and as long as he does get there on time back off a bit.

I have ADHD and Autism. I find it really difficult to get myself to bed at a reasonable time and wake in the morning. For me the game changer was a sunrise alarm clock. It gradually gets lighter over 30 minutes. There’s an optional alarm. Newer models have nice alarm tones or radio options. I forgot to set mine the other day and I was amazed how difficult I found it to get up. I’d guess they’ll be on offer Black Friday and if you sign up the Lumie website you can get 10% introductory discount. You can think of it as swapping the waking up from you to the alarm clock. You need to let him
sort this himself.