To think this is double standards and be angry

[Lifeshard949]

So today DS10 had an operation for teeth removal so was a long hard day especially as he has autism and found the whole thing very overwhelming. DS has really spoken today but I figure it’s a mix of pain from operation and withdrawal due to ASD so have just let him be and communicated how he wants ie asking questions he can nod or shake head too and even texting him- for context he always normally talks and you can’t shut him up unless something has happened and he withdraws.
DH (sons step dad) has come home with an advert calendar for his child and didn’t think to get my children one or at least not show them he just bought one. He then tried talking to my DS and didn’t really get a response so come upstairs to moan at me about it. I am so angry as his son (12) doesn’t speak to me from one week to the next in my own home even I am directly talking to him will look through me, ignore me and walk off- he is neurotypical just clearly has an issue with me that has been going on for a year and I have tried addressing but have got nowhere.
to then moan about 1 day of my DS no talking I found hypercritical- and while yes it is rude he has autism and it’s been a bloody hard day! AIBU to tell my husband to wind his neck in and sort his son and his behaviour out first

yanbu but I would be questioning whether the current set up was right for either child. Sounds like both are in a position where they don’t feel comfy in the home which is sad.

Sorry but rule 1 in our house is the kids are treated the same, no way would I ever consider just getting my biological kids an advent calendar and not DSC.

It sounds as though there is some resentment towards the kids on both sides and also from the kids too, which I think you need to address when things are calmer.

Understanding why your dss is hostile towards you could help. Do you manage to carve out quality time as a family all together? To the children get along with each other? Things will not improve unless you both address these issues imo but on this occasion your dh is not playing fair

I voted YABU as there was no reason to drag his son's behaviour and compare to your son's today. Yes explain to him he needs to cut your DS some slack due to his teeth op.

But all the stuff about advent calendars and how his son usually behaves is nothing to do with that and should probably not have been brought up as a tit for tat response. That should have been addressed separately either before now or after but don't drag the two together. It will get nowhere.

This. The DC do not sound happy, this is why people should stop forcing stepfamily situations onto kids who didn't ask for any of this.

@Lifeshard949 what kind of horrible person buys an advent calendar for one child and not them all????

I’d be more upset about the advent calendar! Children especially those living together should be treated equally!!

The advent calendar did annoy me especially after a hard day- he then did offer to get my son one and I did tell him not to bother he had clearly decided to just get his own he tried to say he didn’t have time in the shop but 5 mins before had told me he text his son to ask which one so clearly could of text me too

Sounds a joyous environment for any child to grow up in

This! Nobody thinks of the poor kids before they shove them together with practical strangers

Your home sounds completely dysfunctional and bloody awful for everyone living in it.

Why are you staying with a man who is treating the children so differently? If you have a relationship with someone with children, they come as a package. Did he not realise this? Nobody is saying he has to love your DC as much as he loves his own, but if there’s any difference in the way they’re treated, that’s going to cause all sorts of resentment between them. In what universe would it be acceptable to buy an advent calendar for one child but not the other? Has he always done this? Or is it a one off? And does he have any understanding of autism? Does he think it can be switched on and off at will?

Why is his son not talking to you? You say it has been going on for a year; was there a row? Or something that triggered it? Has something been said to him that makes him think you’re behind the breakdown of the relationship between his parents?

Personally I think both of you need to sit down with a marriage guidance counsellor. This situation isn’t sustainable.

There was no row or anything between me and the kids there was a row between DH and ex over money but that’s not something I get involved with as I work it’s not my business what he pays.
i was in no way involved in the breakup with his ex - she was seeing another man (who she is still with) and we meet 6 months after the relationship ended and she moved out with her new partner

What is he doing to work with his son to sort the issue out? And if the answer is nothing, and he is regularly treating the DC differently, then this is not a situation that is going to result in you two celebrating any golden wedding anniversary.

do you not want more for your children Op?

Well, he's a prince, isn't he. To buy an advent calendar for ONE child in the house and not another? And to have zero empahty for a child (ND or NT is actually irrelevant in this context) who has just had a stressful medical experience?

makes me wonder what else goes on