Christmas with the in-laws & baby.. advice needed

[PinkPomelo]

As a new Mum I'm finding the in law dynamic kinda hard.
We are spending Christmas at my in laws this year, they live in a different country albeit a really short flight. We'll be there a week. They see dd a lot, they visit us probably every month and so more than my family who all live close. They absolutely love her and if anything are just too keen with her to the point they exhaust her, she can't stay awake when they visit because it's like a 24 hour party in her face (literally no exaggerating). It's cute and they love her but I find it exhausting and wee one is always just knackered and cries when I get her back.
That's actually not why I'm writing this though, I often feel like they're just trying to take her away from me, it's constantly I'll take her off you, we'll take her here, we'll just keep her out for her nap etc. I'm back at work now and I don't like it because my weekends are my time with her and our family time but when they visit they just take her away the whole time. They just go walks or public transport but when we visit them it's in their country so at christmas they'll be taking her further afield. It makes me nervous. I also want to enjoy Christmas with her myself (she's 12 months old so probably doesn't know it's Christmas but still).
MIL already saying I can't wait to take her here and there and I just feel like I'm dreading that bit..I know I should be grateful they want to spend time with her though and help us. It's just a bit too much for me and I'm so not used to it, my family are a lot more laid back.
I got pretty upset last time I was there so took her out myself for a bit and that made me feel better. She was much smaller though and we had our own car so I had the option. I won't this time.
I'm still very much breastfeeding at the moment, and find she feeds so much more when they visit probably because she's overtired etc.
Please be kind!

‘That’s so kind MIL - but I have been looking forward to spending lots of time with baby X now I’m on holiday from work, why don’t we visit Y together’

Just explain the reason. It’s entirely rational and no snub to them.

You just need to learn to say no. The longer you leave it, the worse it'll get.

Yes exactly this. And get DH to back you.

Why don’t you just stay home?

I am a grandma and wouldn't have dreamt of taking my gd anywhere on a train or in my car away from her dps unless they expressly me to collect her from creche etc. They sound crazy! Your dh needs to have a little word saying how all she needs is a little walk in the buggy each day and that's it.

I do actually say no I want her back for her feed / nap every time. Thank god for breastfeeding tbh. But it's going to get harder I think, they'll say they can't wait until she can go there for a week in summer holidays and how their friends get their grandkids for days at a time and I honestly can't ever see me doing that. We never did that growing up, and it seems bonkers to me. Each to their own.
Can I honestly say I don't want them driving her about? Tbh I don't so I will say that I think.

Get your dh to have a word and tell them To reel it back and be led by you

DH has been great that way so far so I will just tell him to tell them we are doing some things as a 3. I honestly wish we could rent a car just for freedom but they already have 2 there so they just say take theirs, but then you need to ask for it then they're like we'll give you a lift then it's a whole thing...

Perfectly reasonable to say you're not ready to be apart from her yet, and that you want to spend as much time with her on your holidays as much.

Don't borrow trouble re trips in the future. You may well decide that sounds like a great idea at some point. Or they may age and not be up to it. Or you could go for a week and leave them for a night or two so you and DH can have a couple of nights away and spend the rest of the time there. Not worth a row or anxiety just yet.

😂😂

Is it better if DH says it? Or should I say it? I'm just not happy with them taking her anywhere they like when they like. Not ready for that

They are not mind readers. Tell them what you are OK with, tell them what you aren't OK with. It doesn't have to be a confrontation just say what you want.

Oh I was planning on X y z.
That's a nice idea but DD will need her nap at X why don't we do bla bla.

What is stopping you renting a car. Just rock up in the car, anything they say can just be batted back that you wanted your own transport. Dont go into details, dont justify your choice, just broken record technique answer every time. I wanted my own transport. Dont get into a conversation about it. If you dont make a thing about it, they look more unhinged every time they say something.

She is your baby - you need to speak up about what you are comfortable with and not comfortable with. Make it clear that you want to spend time with your baby while you're off work and don't want her taken off here and there. You don't have to be angry or rude, you can say it pleasantly. DH should back you up. I would say though that I often stayed a few days with Grandparents in the holidays when I was older (7/8) and I absolutely loved it. It's a special relationship that children have with their grandparents so I would encourage it.