DH working away and communication

[NaffedAndPissedOff]

Ok so I’ve just done something childish. My DH called me, and I didn’t answer because I think it would’ve ended in an argument. Childish, I know.

My DH has been working away a lot recently. I deal with the DC, dog, I work etc. This week has been HELL. My work has been so bad and stressful I nearly quit. I was in tears at work, and then because of transport issues, it took me 2 hours to get home, after standing in the freezing for an hour. Luckily my childcare was understanding.

When I was upset at work I messaged him that I was upset. He didn’t respond to it, but did send over some pictures of him and his workmates drunk at a meal. Then I got a drunken call saying “it’s really late here, I’m off to bed”. I got home and cried my eyes out from being overwhelmed, cold and just stressed from my job.

Aside from the nice meal photos and the “it’s too late, and I’m too smashed” to talk, I’ve not heard from him. He’s busy on an overseas work jaunty having meetings, lunches and long boozy dinners.

I get up at 0600 with the kids, and he’s 9 hours ahead, so he could’ve called me first thing this morning to see why I’m so stressed out, but didn’t. He’s just called me, but I just don’t feel like talking now. I’m not in a good mood, and just want to be alone.

I know it’s childish, and I’m probably being U. Yesterday was the worst working day of my life and I needed a bit of support as well as being solo parent with commute and childcare angst.

why don’t you lower your working hours.

You can’t be expected to hold the fort down and work full time.

As someone who travels with work a lot I can tell you it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. You get zero downtime - the lunches and boozy dinners are still work talk. If he is 9 hours ahead then he was likely in meetings at your 6am. He called when he could. I admit I call maybe twice max when I’m away for a week. Let my family know I’ve arrived and 1 check in mid way - maybe a text at the airport to let them know my flight is on time/delayed. When he comes back, make sure you get some free time to yourself to do something nice for you.

If your DH works away a lot and you work full-time, he needs to arrange things so you’re not under so much pressure - whether that is a cleaner, in house childminder, etc - whatever makes your life easier.

Can you drop your hours?

My DH works away for 2/3 months at a time. All be it my DC are older. It's hard having to suddenly do everything on your own again (before the single mums lynch me I was a single mum for ten years before I met DH! So I know it's not the same)

Have you spoke to him about his communication issue? How did he respond?

My DH video calls once a day and texts often through out the day when he's away.

I don’t work full time but 26 hours a week. I do all the school runs, clubs, all the DC stuff.

When he’s here he’s mostly jet lagged/ watching football/ F1 whatever and doesn't leave the sofa.

He does all the bills, but I have to do all the DC admin.

He thinks I’ve got a cushy life 🤨

Work stress was them pushing back big time on my working hours and wanting me to go F/T which will mean me leaving at 0725 and getting home 1930. They got pretty nasty. I would’ve liked to talk to my DH about it, but he didn’t respond, just called 2am his end, drunk saying he couldn’t talk. I sat alone, frozen to the bone, and cried my eyes out. I need this job for my independence and my sanity and it mostly fits with our set up.

Aside from the 2am non call, he last called us on Sunday.

If I had enough money I think I’d rather just go it alone TBH.

Working 26 hours per week, I would say that you have plenty of time to deal with DC and dog so that's a bit of a red herring. You seem to just be jealous of his job and maybe you don't fully understand what's involved in it. I hate working away, out in the evening with clients and colleagues when I don't want to be. It's exhausting. But even if he loves it, what's wrong with that?

I don't understand all these posters telling you how to cope better or how hard your DH's life is. that's not the point at all. The point is that you're handling it all alone and he's completely uninterested. I don't think it was childish not to answer at all - I think it was sensible as you do not have the emotional fortitude right now.

How hard would it be for him to text you back at some point saying, "oh no, I'm so sorry the weather was shit and you were stuck. Thank god CIndy was able to keep the kids for a bit longer. Hope you're at home now with a large glass of wine."

With the time difference, I think attempting to have proper conversations is difficult so if there's a more detailed conversation re your work, that has to wait until you get home. But for him to completely ignore you, and your struggles, is harsh.

Another, you’re a woman, this is your life, put up with it post.

The OP works 26 hours a week, which is over three full working days. She gets up at 6am on these mornings, gets everyone up and out of the house and cares for the dog. Her DH works away a lot. He didn’t contact his family on Monday and doesn’t play his part in family life when he is home. Of course, the OP is upset and annoyed, especially when her employers are pushing for her to work full-time hours.

Of course, there are plenty of women/men who do it all alone, without a partner but in this case, the OP has a husband. She’s right to be upset and annoyed at how her partner treats her.

It’s bad enough when men think they can dip in and out of family life and only do what suits them but I’m always socked when women seem to think this should be how it is and to put up and shut up.

He absolutely should be picking up the slack when he's home. Otherwise what's the point in him really? You may as well go it alone!

I do what the OP does but work 36 hours a week. Everything is completely on me. He pays the bills cos he earns more but I do the bill admin.

The difference being if I'm having a shit day, or something bad happens, I text my DH and I get a response, whether it be a call or text!

For example, last week I had the flu, my bathroom leaked into my kitchen and my washing machine also pissed water out at the same time, I cried. I text DH, he called, then sent a few texts to organise someone to come and fix the leak (all be it his best friend builder) but I didn't feel alone,

Op is feeling alone in everything, he DH isn't listening or helping a single bit,

He doesn't get to check out and act single just because he's away, that would be a deal breaker

I feel he does act single when away.

I work 26 hours a week. The commute to it is 1 hour at least and the commute home is usually an hour and 15, last night 2 hours.

The commute is killing and stressful when it’s just me.

Your options are:

Quit altogether and be a full time SAHM.

Look for a job closer to home so you’re not having to commute.

Tell your DH he needs to reevaluate his working life as it’s having such a negative effect on you.

Leave him and go it alone.

OP I feel you. Would a work from home job be possible for you, or at least something with a very short commute? I find when I work from home I’m much less frazzled and the kids come home to a vaguely tidy house, dishwasher emptied etc which makes a difference mentally to me

My DP works away the majority of the time. I work full time, recently promoted to senior management post and do absolutely everything involving our DS, including sports 3 nights/week and Sat / Sun. I get it, it’s hard when you feel like they have it easy, away socialising however what’s the alternative? We have a great lifestyle and appreciate the time we do all have together. My DP does acknowledge that he’s lucky that I hold the fort and he doesn’t need to worry about what’s going on here but it’s bloody tiring x

Can you quit and be a SAHM?
trying to be everything is hard. Companies are meant to be helpful and accommodating and they just aren’t.

I also agree, abroad work jaunts can be tiring and non stop / having to always be “happy jolly social”, when you’d rather be at home.

travelling, working, no home comforts and homesick. One night out and you feel guilty. Home to a jealous tired (knackered) spouse.

If you can quit and take your time returning to a part time role of your choosing. If you can’t quit or even if you can, be clear with DH how you feel in a calm way so that he knows exactly how you feel.

OP my husband works away a lot also, and it is bloody hard. I work full time, have our two kids (1 with medical needs), dog etc whilst he is gone and it is exhausting. I have also ignored hubby’s calls on occasion when I just can’t face talking to him because I know we’re going to bicker…don’t blame you at all for that!

i disagree with people telling you to give up work, why on earth would you give up your financial independence? The days that I am on my own, I am militant about routine - school bags sorted, tea planned out etc to make it easier to get to clubs. We also have a cleaner to take some of that burden off us and we get a meal box so that meal planning is much easier.

I have a similar work/life pattern but the massive difference is DH will call us. He’s mostly Europe so not to hard to call/FaceTime before school/after school. Or if hes really busy he will still txt and check in.

Things that might make a difference

• would you’re employer be understanding? On days he’s away could you have a shorter lunch and leave earlier? Even 10 minutes can make a difference to the commute.
• can you share after school club pick ups drop offs with another parent. I try to get my weeks organised before dh goes away or sometimes we just have to miss things. You can’t do it all.
• if dh is away me and kids sometimes a takeaway, it somehow feels like we are getting a treat or we eat a lot of beige meals anything easy and quick.

Its a hard balancing act and there are times where I wish my dh had a job without travel especially when kids are sick or we have busy week or when I’m just knackered.

It does grate when he tells me about this meal out or how lovely this place is and I’m knee deep in washing/homework and stroppy kids but on the flip he’ll also tell me he’s having a crap sandwich for dinner in his hotel room and has an evening of work ahead of him and then has to get up ridiculously early to get a flight back and then go into office before coming home.

I would insist that your dh takes a more active role when he’s home. I’m lucky that my dh will walk through the door and pick up where he left off.

I hope you can find a solution or at least a few things to make life easier when you are on your own. I bet you are doing brilliantly x

Yep also ignored calls when I know listening to him will push me over the edge or he phones when we are in the middle of life!
But at least he phones… hope you find a solution.

He probably didn’t realise how bad it was for you as busy on his work trip.
It’s not all roses and sunshine when away too as tends to be long days and lots of preparation.
I went away recently and it was exhausting. I was super jet lagged and stressed. I couldn’t sleep either.
I’d have a chat with him and tell him how you feel and how you need support. Can he sort anything out from his end to lighten the load? Can you have childcare support in the evening so that you don’t need to rush back for bedtime? When i was away i suggested he take time off work that week or I’d hired someone to support him. He can order in takeaway etc… unless he goes away a lot!

How old are your kids? I’m assuming they are really little? Just make sure you get more time to yourself when he’s back or just hire a babysitter to lighten the load. I was absolutely shattered and then got sick after my recent trip.

This isn't a working away problem, this is a feeling under valued and under supported problem. I hope you can talk things through with him when he gets back and find some sort of resolution x

Wow op I think you’re getting a tough go here. I don’t think you were being unreasonable at all. He sounds very unsupportive and you should not give up your work and income, that’s just making yourself dependant on a man who doesn’t value you. Here’s what I think you should do- tell him you’re at the end of your tether and need more downtime as it’s really shit doing it alone without even moral support, and he needs to parent more. You need one weekend away a month for a while at least, should be easy since he thinks you have a cushy life while he’s away, and if the house is a tip when you come in you are going to turn around and leave again. Then, are there any admin tasks he can do online while he’s away? My dh does all the school forms. If he worked away he could be responsible for reading the school newsletter, booking all tickets and rsvping for school things, calling to do homework with the kids on the phone, sports registrations and payments, buying all presents for kids parties. Im sure I’d think of more.

Sorry, but lots of parents (including me) solo parent and work full time. It’s hard and stressful…. But needs must.

I think she needs to have a firm conversation with her husband, and as you suggested maybe look at her working hours, as in this case, it seams to be taking a mental toll.

I've travelled with work and been the one at home, neither is easy. I've been on the end of OH calling me while I'm away wanting support that I've not been in the headspace to give, it's easy to fall into the game of 'who has it harder' and also to avoid the call if you feel that your partner is going to put you on a downer when you're not really in a position to help. You've now ignored his call on purpose because,he didn't call when you wanted, so now you're in a game of tit for tat.

In an ideal world he would drop everything for you, but in reality you might benefit from building a support network outside of your DH. You're frustrated with work, do you have a friend or family you can talk it through with while he's away? When he is back and you're both calm clear some time to talk about communication next time he is away, but be prepared to hear his side as well.

I don't think we can assume that working away is rubbish/hard for him. I used to do it several months a year, sometimes it was busy, sometimes it was fine, sometimes it wasn't busy enough to stave off the boredom! Impossible to know.

Either way, it doesn't sound like a partnership, it doesn't sound like he's supporting you either emotionally when he's away or practically when he's there. Is he doing any of the parenting when he's around?

I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed, that's a lot. It sounds like you need a serious discussion about him pulling his weight.

Are you actually getting anything out of the relationship at the moment? Is it frustration speaking or does he really do naff all in the family?

Not helpful in the slightest.