A hand hold and some advice please

[Newnamenewnamenewnamenew]

Apologies I’m posting for traffic but I’m in a really bad way mentally. Please don’t pile on

its work and ttc related.

i started a new job this time last year. I’d moved around a bit before so this one has to stick for a while. It’s a snr management role so not entry level. I’ve also worked in this type of role before and been a strong performer and was regarded as such.
My confidence was high but my then manager used to tear me down, call me names, laugh at me when presenting, make jokes at my expense, call me and my ideas annoying and stupid. I was in probation so I didn’t say anything. I kept my mouth shut and head down as that was the only way to deal, but before that I took that approach I was starting to get panic attacks, but after basically just shutting up and doing what I was told, things got easier with manager so It eased and I figured this is just the way things are.

the manager also hid certain pieces of critical work from me and didn’t give me training or exposure to certain areas.

theres now been a switch up, and old manager left and im under someone new. And I feel like im drowning, there are knowledge gaps that I never even knew existed. And Ive made a few mistakes trying to muddle through. I’m now having daily panic attacks where I can’t think, I’m shaking, can’t sleep out of fear of doing anything wrong. I’ve worked long and hard on my confidence and with the help of some wonderful past managers I’ve progressed leaps and bounds in that regard and rose up the corporate ranks if you will.

im very fortunate to have private health so ill be get a referral through there tonight. But I was hoping for a bit of a hand hold or pep talk and advice on how to manage in the mean time or any insights.

im also ttc and on to 6 months of trying and nada. Obviously this stress will make it so much more difficult but it is impacting my self worth so much. I’m having fertility assessments because I’m 35 so was worried age might be impacting me.

thank you for reading. Sorry it’s long

I have been in your position and also senior to you.

Please ask for help from your line manager. Just say its a different process to before and you want to ensure you get it right as you didnt do xyz before

Your line manager will be gratefil uou acknowledge your skills gaps and want to improve

I’ve highlighted the knowledge and skill gap up the chain and he is walking me through things but I can sense frustration especially when I’m making mistakes

i feel like I’m not good enough and that I should be able to do my job a year in… but I basically can’t without handholding which seems ridiculous!

but then the panic attacks, and I stop being able to think that is what’s crushing me more

Go the gp regarding the panic attacks. You are absolutely good enough for it. You are learning new techniques and you wont grasp them all overnight but ...if you don't get a grip of the crippling self-doubt then you wont be.

I’ve not been able to get in with GP, hence private app. That’s tonight and I should get an instant referral.

but where I am rn is I won’t get passed this

You will get through this.

Step one, see the doctor and get some help with managing your anxiety.
Step two, continue to tell your manager when you are facing a task you haven’t been trained in. Make a list of areas that need improvement and work through them.

This is a job, not something your life depends on. You were let down by your previous manager and that is not your fault.

Hang on there.

Is your previous manager still there? If not I'd be inclined to say what you've told us, how you were treated etc.

But keep asking, this is not a YOU issue. It's an arsehole ex-manager issue.

No, the manager departed very abruptly, nothing was spoken about since, it’s like they never existed

In that case, try and see the new managers frustrations as aimed at the old manager. Not you. You don't know what you don't know.

Would it be worth having a meeting where you can hash out what your job should entail and come up with a training plan so you've definitely got all the info you need? You're management and you are capable.

Well that tells you everything you need to know, it was them and NOT you.

Panic attacks are a bit of a red herring as that's a separate anxiety/stress issue which definitely needs a GP and im sure your private referral will quickly help with that.

In terms of work Request a 121 with your manager and write out a detailed explanation of what happened under previous manager hence you now have XYZ knowledge gaps. Detail how you're addressing this and how new manager is helping deliver on this with you and put in some specific actions with time limits/review points etc. That's all you can do, you're clearly capable but you're over worrying which will actually hinder your learning. Make sure it's all documented and continue working hard BUT the panic attacks etc should not be happening - get a handle on that medically and then hand in hand your feelings on work should improve too. Good luck.

I’ve never really had them before, it started with my old manager and me getting frozen about sending things and then if there was a mistake in some work, it never really was mine, but the blame would go straight to me and now if there’s something not quite right, or a new process i literally start shaking and I can’t think. Never had this before.

should I tell work this is happening or should I not, my new manager isn’t a very empathetic person they are very very cutting.

i will bring all of this up in our next 1:1

I wouldn't bring up the medical issues no but I would definitely fully document and disclose your experience under old manager hence why you have XYZ gaps. The new manager may not realise the full extent of the old managers behaviour hence their frustration at times. Get it all documented. It sounds like you have some PTSD around old managers behaviour which is still effecting you - some counselling/CBT etc will definitely help with this. It doesn't sound like full blown out of control panic attacks that need medicating - you just need a bit of help processing and to move on. Old manager is gone - do your best (with help) to move on.