To ask for some support or advice?

[BeDearFox]

I realise I may get the complete opposite and get backlash. My life is in complete tatters. I’ve been unwell for the vast majority of this year with an undiagnosed illness. I have symptoms like extreme exhaustion, weight loss, loss of appetite, itchy skin.. to name but a few. I personally think it’s lymphoma but I’m await results to find out if it’s a blood cancer called essential thrombocymia. This has taken over my life for most of the year.

I gave up my job as it was causing me quite a lot of stress and upset shortly before I became unwell. We have a 2 year old so my partner said he would transfer money to my account each month while I stayed home with her. He’s done this once since February, as he made the decision to put her in nursery full time when I became unwell. He thinks the illness is in my head, and in his words I’ve done “nothing to deserve” him to transfer me any money. I’m in debt as it is.

Our eldest child (7) came with me to stay with my parents when I temporarily separated from my partner in 2021. He won’t come back home. We try and he cries and gets upset then my Dad turns up to see if he’s alright and ends up taking him back to their house. He hasn’t stayed over at our house once this year, so if I want time with him I either have to go out with him, or stay at my parents. Tearing myself in 2 as there is no room for my youngest to stay over too. My mum likes a drink and gets quite nasty with me when she is drunk which is at least a few times a week. Telling me how I’m selfish and only thinking of myself and this illness, and how I’m such a bad mother that my child doesn’t want to live with me.

I’ve just had enough to be honest. I’m really struggling to get through each day, and feel I have no purpose. I don’t know how life got so bad. It’s even harder living every day in what feels like a broken body, and no one believing me.

Okay where to start...

Why is your son upset at coming home? You are his mother, it's your decision where he lives, what does your DH say about it? Also if your mother is nasty to you, how is she with your son?

Do you have any income at all or just what your DH is meant to be sending you? If your youngest lives with grandparents and your oldest is school age, your DH I presume works, are you contributing anything?

Why does your DH think it's in your head?

@NotAPersonPerson Thank you for replying. I just think he’s very very attached to my Dad now. I think originally it’s because he got spoilt at my parents and then he got massively attached to my dad. We think he’s on the spectrum, he’s very bright but get's upset when his routine is disrupted. DP just thinks he won’t come home now until he’s older and says he doesn't know what to do and that I should’ve backed him up more a long time ago about it.

I have no income at all, nothing goes into my bank account so I’m not contributing anything 😢 I’d work if I felt well enough, I can barely leave the house.

As I’ve had normal imaging etc and nothing has been found yet he thinks I’m imagining it. I’m waiting for a blood result to see if I have a mutation that can mean I’ve got a chronic blood cancer if positive x

It’s just me mum gets nasty with x

I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this OP. I hope your health improves soon.

1. What is your GP saying or doing about this?

2. Is your GP aware that you cannot work due to your symptoms, and that you have been out of work for a significant amount of time?

3. Has anyone discussed applying for PIP? (You do not need a formal diagnosis to receive this).

4. Have you and your partner had a proper discussion about your eldest returning to live with you? If so, how did it go? If not, why?

5. Does your partner want your son to return home? What is he doing about this?

6. Does your dad agree with your drunken mother? Does your dad also think you are a “bad mother”?

@JolieFilleCommentCaVa Thank you for replying ❤️

I’m honestly at the doctors at least once a week. As I’ve had imaging done (the only area of my body that hasn’t been imaged in some way shape or form is my neck) the only constant abnormality since I’ve been unwell is raised platelets in my blood. Haematology analysed my results and asked me to have this JAK2 mutation test, if it’s positive it can mean I have a blood cancer. They won’t do anything else until this result comes back which is 3-4 weeks 😞

I’ve told them I can’t work, or have any quality of life and they just shrug it off to be honest. I often get “this could be down to your mental health” NO. My mental health is affected as I feel like a 90 year old in a 36 year olds body and I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel hungry and my skin itches so bad I want to rip it off!

no, PIP has never been mentioned! Do you think I could qualify for it? Something would be better than nothing. I currently have about £1k+ of debt on various cards and accounts, and about £20 in my bank 😞

we have.. and he said as awful as it sounds he doesn’t think he will come back to us until my dad is no longer around. he says he’s struggling with the youngest while I’ve been unwell so as it stands he just doesn’t think it’s the time to fight to get him back. Which I can kind of see his point, I do help with the youngest but he has been doing more than his share. He wants him to come home but like me just doesn’t see how we can make it happen short of moving to the other side of the country with him or something.

no dad doesn’t agree with her and often tells her to shut up quite abruptly when she’s drunk. He does agree I should focus more on them and not “my illness/myself” but I don’t think he knows how much I’m struggling.

I just feel like a mum who doesn’t have my kids.. like I’m not contributing anything and that my existence is just pointless 💔

This sounds awful, @BeDearFox . It’s incredibly painful if you’re ill, but your nearest and dearest say it’s all in your head. And there’s such an erosion of your role as a Mum here.

PIP is a benefit for people who have difficulty walking, or who need help with personal care, or who can’t make a meal for themselves…and there are some mental health routes to qualifying too. Do you think your symptoms create problems with any of these? You don’t need to be unable to work to get PIP. But it might be tricky to claim without a diagnosis - not sure. Probably not impossible, with a doctors support.

But there might also be sickness benefits you could claim if you are unfit for work...depending on total household income ( means tested route) or National insurance contributions.

It’s complicated and I would advise phoning a CAB if you have one locally, for proper advice. I used to work in this area but am very out of date so don’t take what I say as gospel.

When you have an idea of what you might be able to claim, eg sickness benefits IF you were signed off work…then go back to the GP and say you’re really struggling, you feel very unwell, it’s stopping you from doing x,y and z, and would they support an application for benefits.

I hope you get more clarity about your diagnosis soon 💐