Not wanting to celebrate my birthday

[PeoniesGinandBags]

Hello everyone,

I will try to keep things to the point and brief! It is my birthday this weekend. Not a significant one and in the 40s. For context, at the moment I'm having a bad time of it. I'm under the care of the mental health crisis team as a result of severe stress triggering a mental health condition I have. I am experiencing a protracted divorce from a husband who, 3 years after we split up, will still not engage with negotiating a financial settlement.

Put bluntly, I am skint, knackered and depressed. Now signed off work for the first time ever too,

I have a new partner and it's not going well. Without getting too much into it, he is an addict and attends meetings for this, is working on it etc etc.

My partner has told me that because of his own financial difficulties, lots of debt as a result of his problem, he is asking people not to but him Xmas presents this year as he is not in a position to be able to. I know this, he has said the same thing to me and we agree that he needs to get himself sorted.

This weekend though is my birthday. He has no money at all but this evening asked me what I wanted to do for it. I said "nothing" and reminded him that he was skint, he had been honest about that and we didn't need to do anything. He got a bit huffy and said words to the effect that we could still go out for a nice meal if I paid and he paid me back.

I don't want to. I'm living month to month doling out money to my solicitor and in addition, partner already owes me £700 from when I tried to help him.

I feel like he's trying to make me feel bad for saying I don't want to do anything. I'm ill though, fed up, depressed and skint too. I don't see the point in going out for a meal or anything. Why? To pretend things are great when they're not?

Am I being unreasonable? I don't know how to phrase it to him. I am angry for him getting himself into this mess but it's like he wants me to reassure him it's okay instead of him trying to make things better. I buy my own things, I don't need his money but I am also massively peed off about it all.

We don't live together but been in a lreationship for 4 years.

YABU - you are being unreasonable. Go out and pay and let him pay you back later
YANBU - you are not being unreasonable.

I think you could do without him in your life.

I don't see how you're going to get out of this situation carrying this guy...I know this is easy for a stranger to say but do you really think it's ever going to change? OP we only live one life and sometimes we've got to just take the bull by the horns and make some broad stroke changes even if it hurts in the short term. Don't be a victim...free yourself up and give yourself the opportunity to be in charge. And try to enjoy the ride even if you need to fake it...skint or no skint...settlement or no settlement. Be a winner, if that means you need to be cruel to be kind, so be it. The alternative is just a hole, and other people and circumstances will get the better of you.

This sounds terrible OP. You’ve got enough going on without adding this man and his issues into the mix. Take care of yourself.

He's an addict who won't even buy you a drink for your birthday but instead is trying to make you feel bad for not taking him out.. no wonder you are depressed.
Does he bring anything to your life?
Because I can't see why you are with him. He sounds like a joy sucker.

What exactly does he bring to your life? He sounds like one more stress to add to your load and you've got enough going on already! Don't end up paying for your own birthday meal, he's not going to pay you back if he owes you £700 already. Get rid of him and celebrate yourself with a takeaway and netflix, that's what I would do!

OP I'm sorry to hear about your current situation but in all honesty you need to drop your boyfriend. He owes you cash, he's an addict and he's not helping.

A bunch of supermarket flowers and a card is about a tenner. He could cook a meal, there's no need for any drama.

I hope you feel better soon.

He doesn't want to take you out for a meal for your birthday, OP, you do realise that. He wants to use the excuse of your birthday to get you to take him out for a meal, adding the cost of said meal to the £700 and counting that he already owes you and you'll never get back.

Give yourself the best birthday present ever - get rid of this sponging loser and be single for a while.

I wouldn't explain anything. I'd give myself the best birthday present I could and leave him.

I'm not a birthday person myself, my DH isn't either, we don't buy each other gifts, or even a card - we always remember and say happy birthday. What I can rely on with my DH, throughout the years, is not to be manipulated or used.

I hope that you end up having a great birthday this year, and many more after.

YABVU for wasting time with this person. Get rid, please!!

Really wishing you a safe, positive recovery. You need to look after yourself, not this guy. Please be kind to yourself.

I was going to say - he seems more in a huff bc you’re not paying to take HIM out! You both know he won’t pay you back.

I really hope you get your life sorted OP - things will get better 💐

Well, it sounds like you've got enough on your plate without adding this partner to the mix. What is he actually bringing to your life?
You're in a complicated situation with your ex, then you're signed off work with mental health issues. On top of all of that you've got an addict that owes you £700, and who is trying to get you to fork out money that you haven't got, so that he can enjoy your birthday.

Something's got to give, and I think a good start would be ending things with your current partner. He's never going to change. He'll just keep you down with him.

Ditto all the PPs…
Dump him

YANBU. It’s your birthday your choice.

I agree with PPs he isn’t what you need in your life right now, if ever. You’ve been separated from your husband for 3 years and with this guy for 4 years. That suggests you got together when your marriage was unhappy. Is it possible you were blinkered, clutching at straws when you got with him, if not actually trauma bonding?

You would probably heal quicker if you were not in a relationship, any relationship. That might seem frightening but it would definitely be more peaceful and peace is what you need to recover.

You are all absolutely right, thank you. And yes, I met him when I was feeling pretty crap about life in general and he promised me the world. It's all been without any foundation though and no, I get zero from the relationship. I sometimes even look at him and think, "what are you doing"?!

Thank you. I've bought a book, treated myself to some things I'd seen online and will spend the weekend doing what I want which is actually just relaxing on my own x

You DO NOT NEED this man in your life!!
get rid he’s not helping you at all & by the sound of it he’s making you more miserable ! X