Hard personality

[pobsunday]

Ok I need some perspective and help.

I've been working with a friend who when you ask them to step up or help they have this reaction. They don't like being asked so they then totally shut down / down tools / get offended so it means that the tasks (that have to be done) fall onto me so my workload increases.

I got to realise this was modus operandi for this person so I've ended up having to allude or manipulate ways for work to be done without a direct request. This has build huge resentment and admittedly my frustrations and resentment have made me bad mouth this person.

They have now found out I've bad mouthed them and that I wasn't honest about my feelings. But when I was ever honest about my feelings about my workload increasing and needing help they just shut down and stopped works.

They've pleaded with me to be honest with them going forward but the same loop will just happen.

I feel I just need to cut ties as I just think this isn't a positive relationship especially a working one.

Any advice on how best to manage this situation.

What is the situation in terms of your relationship outside work?
Were you good friends with them first?
How have they ended up working with you? Are you self employed and now employ them?
I think the above will affect how you deal with this.
Can you stop working with them or not? Would you still want to be friends with them outside work? Can your friendship survive if you stop engaging with them at work?

Friends first then working together in self employed capacity. The whole thing is starting to implode and this is just the end of a long story but I wondered if anyone else had dealt with this type of personality before. I'm finding it hard to be honest with them due to their reactions to things.

Sounds a bit like Oppositional defiance disorder which we came across in school with students. Pretty new so older adults would not be diagnosed. Writing stuff might be easier than asking so maybe a white board in the office where you can write up tasks so she not hearing a voice telling her what to do. Or an online list she can tick as she goes.
But she sounds annoying so maybe it's time to part ways

I know you shouldnt have to. But could you phrase things as joint problems to solve? How do you think we should tackle x next week?

Or say, oh here is a list of things we need to get through next week, take a look and drop me an email of the tasks you want to take and the ones you want me to do(

If she is demand avoidance or sees everything as a criticism this is at least mixing it up a bit x

Oh wow that does sound like this. In our work we should be autonomous but if tasks aren't given, this person doesn't think work needs to be done. They let others take up the slack. But when you ask them to do it / help they get annoyed. Or they do it for 3 days just to appease and then stop.

I think I'm totally at the end of the road with it. It is beyond draining. And then they have told me I must be honest. It's just a never ending cycle I can't be assed with anymore.

Just be glad you aren't both employed by the same organisation! You are not stuck with her, and you can make the decision to walk away - I would be open with her as to why too. You can say "I love you as a friend but we don't work well together."

It may be that she feels you are trying to "manage" her, or dump an unequal share of work on her, or that there is an unfair division of labour. Either way it just isn't working.

We do work for the same organisation. This is the issue.

You said you were both self-employed.

If that is the case, then while you may currently be both doing some work for the same customer, you're not both working for the same organisation.

So I think the point @TheYearOfSmallThings was making was that at the end of the work you're currently doing (for the same customer as your friend), you can avoid taking on any more business from any customer who's also having your friend do work for them.

I've had to attempt to work with someone like this.
It was a colossal nightmare, the eggshells I had to exercise 🤯... epic caution and thinking every little interaction through to the n'th degree just to get a basic team work / cooperation requirement met.
It was utterly draining, and after a while I was feeling nauseous just thinking about the day ahead trying to make it all work.
I did try to communicate it all in a way that was to their preference, we even discussed what approach they needed in order to not react badly, open and transparent discussions about it all (in between the unreasonable drama)... They said it was the most supportive constructive team work relationship they'd ever experienced... It still wasn't enough and nearly broke me.
I threw in the towel in the end and am of the opinion now that this person should find a role where they can work solo as they just can't interact with colleagues without enormous emotional fall out.

Shame, because as a non colleague they are lovely funny and kind.
Your person sounds very similar.

But you are self employed? Or is it one of these things where you are nominally self employed only and have no autonomy who you work with?

Wow! Is this the same person. I feel utterly utterly drained by it. I have tried everything. I ended up even shouting last year. And then it ended up that it was me being unreasonable.

Thank you for validating this as I feel awful about it all. But it is so beyond draining. It has effected my mental health for years!!!

I am now on an escape plan and I cannot wait to not have this egg shell stepping anymore. Thank you so much for your reply.

I think they know what they are doing. Either too proud to say they have no idea or ask for help.

I think you need a diary system.

Take charge, stop feeling ‘equal’ because they aren’t treating you like an equal.

Set up the tasks, she takes more because you have to organize her.

You can't make it work when the person you're dealing with has no self awareness and both zero recognition of the impact of their reactions on others, and, complete certainty that whatever is going wrong it is anyone's fault but theirs.

I'm not a psychologist so not qualified to say but if asked my opinion I'd say i think there is something hard wired going on for the person I was dealing with, because if you asked them what they were playing at, they could honestly hand on heart say they meant no harm and weren't trying to upset anyone in any way.
In other words, it wasn't an attitude problem in the case of my person, it was a perception and response problem.

I know I wasn't the only person to struggle this way with them.

There is no way to make it work so all you can do is get distance from it. Sadly for me I think it has fractured the friendship too as they took me right to the edge of my coping threshold... but will never acknowledge it, or apologise for it, which I kind of need to hear for it not to be a wound between us.

@WomenInConstruction it's so bizarre because they are very quick to criticise or belittle somebody else for perceived slights. But when anyone mentions anything that is seen as a slight to them they freeze up and just let everything drop and everyone else runs round to pick up the slack as not doing the work negatively impacts everyone. I'm so fucking over it.

I have found comfort reading that my reaction is valid.