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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

is this an interrogation ?!

35 replies

fliptothefloptotheflip · 19/11/2024 16:48

Friend asked if I can go somewhere with them. I said sure but probably have to be next week if they want me to go with them as I am busy this week (i.e. working) and all this weekend. Their immediate response was ''what are you doing this weekend then'' ?

It just feels like an interrogation and that I need to justify my whereabouts for the weekend. I do not feel like it is a friendly curious question being asked out of showing an interest, especially as given this message exchange all took place on Monday, a whole week away from the weekend.

I will probably get flamed and accused of over thinking this and being a shitty friend for someone who was just trying to show an interest.

OP posts:
TheErinyes · 22/11/2024 08:57

fliptothefloptotheflip · 22/11/2024 08:54

@TheErinyes it's not joyless. But yes I think there is a selfish element. You spend time with people because you want to, not because you've found yourself with a few hours to spare and are looking for anyone who is free to fill that time, regardless of who it is and what you do.

But nothing you’ve said suggests you want to spend time with her..? Your posts are all about how she only views you as someone to fill up her time — do you actually enjoy her company?

DollopOfFun · 22/11/2024 09:01

fliptothefloptotheflip · 22/11/2024 08:35

Everytime she asks me this question she has an agenda. People will think she's just asking me because that's what friends generally do. Not with her. She is asking me because she has time she needs to fill with someone/anyone because God forbid she might spend an hour alone. She will want me to spend either a whole day with her, which if a Saturday will turn into the eve too, or it will be several hours on a Sunday. This is every weekend. Always on her terms and always hours on end because she purposely makes things last as long as she can so she is never on her own. I think it's selfish. I have DH & DC at home who might, just might, want to see me at the weekend and vice versa.
No it is not a case of be grateful she wants to spend her spare time with me. She is looking for whoever is around to fulfill her time. She is not bereaved, she is not newly single. She chooses not to date/ be in a relationship because she has trust issues, body hangups, thinks everyone is out to wrong her/lie to her. There is no reason for her to think this.

She makes me feel that she expects me be at her beck and call to keep her entertained when ever she needs it, regardless of my priorities/ wants/ needs.

We can you tell you really like her and value her friendship.

CraverSpud · 22/11/2024 09:03

I have a similar friend who is just very direct. Most people would ask " Are you doing something nice?" but some people don't seem to have a filter. I once replied to a similar question from my direct friend, "We have planned to stay in bed all weekend having sex!"

Original poster
fliptothefloptotheflip · 22/11/2024 09:12

@TheErinyes yes I enjoy her company when i am with her, but i just feel there is just this huge expectation to spend so much time with her. I find it so over whelming, exhausting and just too much. It's exhausting just listening to how she went from friend A to B to C to D on any given weekend day, filling every second of her day with someone/anyone. Although that's totally up to her and none of my business.

OP posts:
Aperolschitts · 22/11/2024 09:16

I would reply - I'm busy minding my own beeswax

FOJN · 22/11/2024 09:22

You are resentful about her expectations but the problem is your failure to set boundaries.

You think you need a good reason not to spend time with her which is why you emotively refer to your family. Stop justifying yourself, you do not owe someone your time. Say no or set limits on the time you have available and stick to it. Its her problem if she cannot accept your boundaries.

TheErinyes · 22/11/2024 09:28

FOJN · 22/11/2024 09:22

You are resentful about her expectations but the problem is your failure to set boundaries.

You think you need a good reason not to spend time with her which is why you emotively refer to your family. Stop justifying yourself, you do not owe someone your time. Say no or set limits on the time you have available and stick to it. Its her problem if she cannot accept your boundaries.

I think that’s fair.

Futurethinking2026 · 22/11/2024 09:34

Heronwatcher · 19/11/2024 17:37

I’d assume it was just general interest- and reply “oh just catching up with my sister and a few other friends/ DH and hobbies/ riding. Looking forward to seeing you the weekend after xx”

If she pushes you for times and further details then I think you’d be right to this she has an agenda (and obviously don’t answer) but I don’t think there’s much to go on from her first question.

Yes this is how I would take it.

Original poster
fliptothefloptotheflip · 22/11/2024 09:34

@FOJN sometimes i just want a weekend at home with no expectations to see anyone and no timing constraints. She wouldn't understand that. She has a constant need to be on the go/busy/entertained. I'm happy to mooch around at home or pop to my local town to mooch around the shops. Like most people, I work m-f and only get weekends off. My weekend time is v precious.

OP posts:
FOJN · 22/11/2024 09:38

OP I get it but you own your time not your friend. If she can't or won't accept she's not the centre of your world then maybe the friendship needs to end. You cannot force other people to change, you can only change the way you deal with them.

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