DD being bothered by another child in reception

[Namerchangee]

My DD is in reception class. There are a few children in there from her pre-school. One girl in particular, who she never had issues with at pre-school, doesn’t seem to want to leave her alone. She tries to (and sometimes succeeds) take my DD into the toilet cubicle with her when she needs the toilet. She then won’t let my DD leave. She pulls her about by the arm and wrists and today was seen pinching her by the TA. My DD has said she is bossy, calls her a rat, won’t let her play wit my other child and makes comments on her appearance. I have spoken to the class teacher to seemingly no avail.

AIBU to speak directly to this child’s parents? I don’t want my little DD to have to be navigating this behaviour, especially not at her age.

Do not speak to the parents!

Ask to speak to the teacher and explain your concerns

Keep going to the teacher, take it to the HT and governors if necessary.

Do not speak to the child’s parents, no good ever comes from that!

I have, several times, to no avail.

OP I really feel for you we are in a weird situation where a group of the mums are friends and one of the kids in the group of an absolute menace at school. We just raise with the teacher not with the parent- no sign from friend that she’s had a message but maybe she wouldn’t let on. It’s awkward I know what you mean.

Go to the head then. Say you will go to the governors or ofsted. You will only make it worse if you go to the parents

Talk to the teacher, email (put it in writing) the teacher. Go higher up in the school and show you are going through the correct channels.

The school have a duty of care to ensure your daughter is safe and receives an education. Focus on this -
Emphasise the impact the incidents are having on her and ask them what they are doing to ensure that going forwards they don’t happen. Ask for a copy of the minutes of this meeting.

Mention
duty of care
safeguarding
anti-bullying policy

What does the school propose long-term and does it satisfy you? Don’t accept wish-washy answers and follow up

Thankyou for this - this is very helpful.

Go to the teacher again as that’s not on at all. Don’t go to the parents, the teachers need to be on top of this.

As hard as it all feels now, you will probably find that as the year goes on the friendship groups will change and morph quite naturally, and things will improve. Early on in Reception my DD got pushed over a few times by a little girl. I was worried, but it all blew over and there have been no problems since. They are good pals now in Year 1. Things are very fluid in Reception I found, in terms of friendships.I tried to focus on doing everything I could at home to bolster my child's self-esteem and help her practice things that she could say if she is in a tricky situation with other children e.g. "no thank you I don't want to do that...please give me some space...I am playing over here instead...I am happy playing here, I don't want to go with you" etc. You may well find that as they both grow and mature they will branch off in different directions.

Thankyou for this - I am really hoping this is all just a tricky phase and they will be on good terms soon enough, but until then I will speak with the teacher again and raise it further.

Then escalate it! And keep complaining.

It's bullying!

Look up the bullying policy and quote it at them.

They will start to listen if you demonstrate that you aren't going to accept their response!

Also, everything in writing, even if you speak to a teacher, follow it up with an email stating what was said by you and the teacher to resolve the issue. Keep a diary of all events so that you have something to refer back to. This leaves an evidence chain.

They should have their bullying and safeguarding policies on their website, read them and find out what steps they should be taking so you can ensure they are following their own procedure.

If you don't get anywhere with the teacher you can move up the chain, usually a phase leader, someone over Early Years (nursery and reception) if not whoever is the lowest in SLT, senior leadership team.

Is is bullying so should be subject to the bullying policy, ask for assurance this is the case.
Similar happened to my DD in Reception with the childs Mum actually writing a note to the teacher complaining about my DD "being mean" (actually refusing to play with her and nobody else). Luckily this girl had threatened my DD with this if she "didn't do what she was told" and she had told the teacher before the letter arrived. The teacher didn't even tell me but I found out and when I asked him he said that he has dismissed it as the nonsense it was and the situation was being addressed.

First step is always the class teacher. If you don't feel you are being listened to, then email the Headteacher with your concerns. This is absolutely a safeguarding issue, a child shouldn't be taking another child into the toilet cubicle, and that's without the other behaviours.

Don't speak to the teacher again. You have already tried! Send an email to the headteacher, copying in the class teacher, and explain the situation and that you have already reported this a number of times. As a pp said, ask them about their duty of care to your daughter and their safe guarding policy.
You have to advocate for your daughter as no one else will.

I wouldn't call a 4 or 5 year old a "bully". They're very little and still learning appropriate behaviour around other children.

However, the teacher must protect your daughter, and the advice on how to escalate is good.

Don't speak to the DC parent/s
Chances are they know how their DC behaves.

I'd escalate this to the HT and make it clear exactly what this other child has been doing and that you've spoken with your DD's class teacher more than once but they haven't resolved the problem.

Your DD goes to school to be educated not to be used by some other child as their play thing, and the HT has a duty of care to make sure that children have a safe environment and their staff know this and wherever possible nip any bad behaviour in the bud before having to take action themselves.

If you got nowhere with the teacher then go above their head - let the headteacher call the other child's parents in if necessary

I don’t think it’s bullying at age four or five honestly. Not the same kind of bullying you get into pre teens and teens…

Don’t talk to the parents! They will be mortified I’m sure, or maybe they already know about it.

Never approach the parent. Just don’t. It goes badly no matter what.

If you aren’t happy with the teacher’s response, escalate it.

Then speak to head of key stage or the head. Whoever is next higher up.

Don’t speak to the parents, the school need to deal with it, when it happens tr child needs to tell the teacher straight away.

I'd speak to the teacher, and if that doesn't work, I'd go higher within the school, the head teacher or something. Especially about taking her into the toilet cubicle, that's not right at all. I absolutely wouldn't talk to the parent.

Do not involve the parents. It never goes well.

If the class teacher has done nothing then I’d escalate to the headteacher now, especially the pulling another child into the toilet cubicle with her and the physical abuse. This child is bullying yours and the toilet thing raises safeguarding flags for me. I’d write a list of incidents (ideally with dates if you know them) and then start keeping a diary of each event from now on, flagging up to the head and the class teacher every time your child is bullied. Ask to see their bullying policy and for them to explain how it’s being followed - and ask for your child to be spoken to by the teacher and reassured that this behaviour is not acceptable and if it happens she should immediately tell an adult.

You need to start being the squeaky wheel with the school - politely, calmly but firmly.

Thanks all. I haven’t spoken to the parents - I understand they are aware of what’s going on. I’ve spoken again to the class teacher and emailed the head. The head asked the deputy and safeguarding lead to call me this morning so I have spoken to them. Hopefully this will mean an end to this matter and my little DD can just be free to get on at school without the other child dominating them all the time.