Punishment for child even though they don't live with you?

[lukasemi]

I'd love thoughts on this please, as I may not be seeing all angles so happy to be wrong about this.

Dh & I have a child each from previous relationships. Dss doesn't live with us or stay over, (his choice) he's a teenager so we try to see him as much as possible without being overbearing. Anyway, dh & I have 3 kids at home, mine and we had 2 together. Dh is very quick to "punish" (i hate that word) our 3 at home but there is never any punishment for his ds.

Dh feels it's hard to as he doesn't live there, but imo I think the real reason is dad guilt. Dss has a tendency to play the victim card which dh himself has picked up on, but then will also not punish him. I feel by not doing this he is telling his son that no matter what you do it's ok because i feel guilty that i am not as present as i am with the other kids.
He has done very extreme things recently that require consequences, but has basically been let off.

Especially for dss's mum , i dont think it is very fair that only she is the bad guy, because dh doesn't ever tell dss off.

It does also irk me that he will especially tell off my child for every single thing, never lets anything go, but then his kid can do xyz and never have any punishment.

Thoughts? Aibu because dss doesn't live at home?

You're going to have to be specific

It’s really hard to say without any context.

How often is he at your house? His dad can hardly tell him off for things that have happened whilst at his mums house.

he will especially tell off my child for every single thing, never lets anything go

Why are you letting that happen? Focus on his horrible unfair behaviour to the kids living in your home and not about what his son gets away with - unless you or any of the other kids are being hurt or upset by him.

If your husband isn't there then he has no business doing any 'punishing'

As to your home situation - you need to be on the same page.

How does your DD feel about him?

Are they things happening in your home?

Your DH and the child's mother need to talk to one another. If she is telling him off by withdrawing privileges or whatever then he needs to back her by making it clear anything she says follows him when DH sees him. However as the teen doesn't stay over in your household your DH cannot punish him on his own.

Your DH also needs to sort his shit out with punishing the children in your household. Punishing them for every single thing isn't effective.

You've got 2 separate issues here OP.

I suggest you sort out your DH telling your own child off firstly.

I think if he doesn’t stay over with you it would be hard for your DH to enforce a punishment.

Bet your child loves your dh - not! Why do you tolerate this?

Certainly don't let your DH punish your child. That is completely out of order. What sort of punishments does he dole out to your child and your shared children?

There are three separate issues here.

Firstly, I think all children in your house should be treated consistently. Whether they are "punished" by you or your DH should depend on whether your child sees your DH as a father figure with authority to punish. If not, you should be the one to impose the punishment, not him, but the rules should be the same.

Second, you and your DH need a consistent policy on discipline. If he's too harsh to the DC who live in your house, you need to agree what a sensible approach should be.

Third, the discipline of your DSS needs to be agreed between your DH and his ex. They should be on the same page about it so your DSS has boundaries and doesn't get away with stuff. Ideally (and assuming the ex is a sensible person), their approach would align with you and your DH's approach for your 3 children so all children are treated consistently in your house.

Sounds like your DH is letting all the kids down atm.

I shouldve said the things are happening on neutral ground, i,e school or out of school. Of course if something was happening at home dh wouldnt step in there

What age is your child?

@Goldbar

Couldn't have said it better!!

As a completely non resident parent, he needs to have a proper conversation with his Ex to come to an agreement on backing her up. She's the one bringing him up. Visiting for the day, he's not in any position to be deciding on punishments for things that happen outside of his contact time.

Different if it happens in his contact time, but anything like that should be a short sharp punishment.

How old exactly are ALL of the children?

if you don't agree with the punishments for any of them use your words!!

Sounds like you've picked a peach there, OP 🙄

If it were my DH and he wasn't shy about telling my DC off whilst letting his own get away with bad behaviour I'd be telling him not to do something to my DC that he wasn't prepared to do to his own.

How often does he see his son and how longfor? If it's 2/3 times a week including a weekend day it's a very different situation to if it's twice a month for a couple of hours after school

I have my children 7 days a week
I have no problems punishing them
So I would not worry about the resident parent having to punish them mainly
Though if I did a punishment I would expect there mum to respect it as well

I think its important for both dss parents to be on same page.
We found it helpful to have family rules and told the kids/teens exactly what consequences were.
So bad behaviour at school - first time is removal of phone for a set number of days
More serious school issues - grounding and removal if all devices etc.

How often does DH see him?

He doesn't live with you or stay over...so what exactly is DH meant to do to punish him? Take his phone/playstation/tv off him when he comes round? he just won't come round. He's not really in a position to be able to do anything except give him a telling off and good luck with getting a teenager to care or listen when he doesn't see you often.

I do agree though that somehow DH needs to give mum more support with this -- they need to be a united front and work together, he needs to know he can't play one off against the other.

DH telling your DC off is a completely different issue, why do you allow him to do that?

Guilt is a fair thing for him to feel in the situation so it was inevitably going to be difficult. How is he supposed to enforce punishment on a child he doesn’t live with? He can support punishments that the mum
chooses but he can’t decide on a punishment and expect his ex to enforce it. He also needs to have quality time with his son because he’s not around for the day to day stuff, so enforcing punishments during contact time isn’t great either.

I’d put a stop to him telling off your older child and let him get on with doing it his way with his own.