Holding a Grudge

[WhoDatNow]

Back in the late 70s I was in my early teens - around 13/14 - and my Dad married my StepMum but I wasn't invited to the wedding. Really hurt about this even now 40+ years later especially as the photographs featured SM's nephews. Today would have been their wedding anniversary.

AIBU to seethe still

Yanbu. Did you ever find out why?
I hope you can find a way to let this go a bit, seething is only going to continue to hurt you x

I can definitely see why this would have been so hurtful, and the hurt has stayed with you.

I think people tend to hold a grudge that long if they haven’t received any resolution or understanding of why things happened. And even then some things are difficult to let go. In your case, have you had a conversation to understand why you were excluded?

I don't think YABU. I was treated very badly over an immediate family member's wedding at that age and it's over 25 years ago and for me it was the first time I realised they didn't see me as part of the family and determined to "put me in my place". There was a heck of a lot of family tension over it, especially as it was an innocent child being very noticeably ostracised and humiliated by an adult relative/their spouse to be and I think it's something as a family that's never been forgotten. I've never even managed to go back to the city the wedding was held in such was the trauma!

People can have the wedding day they want but the fallout can last forever and relationships might never be the same.

Even when the marriage doesn't last very long (in our case).

The healing that needed to happen to move on, never did. I wonder if it's a similar situation with you?

I think it's perfectly normal to still hold a grudge in this case.

However, it's not very healthy or pleasant for you so on that basis I'd suggest some counselling. Not to forgive or whatever, but purely for you so you can find peace.

They were shits for doing that, more so your dad.

I never did ask why ... suspect as an adult it was because I was only a teen and didn't live nearby so would have needed somewhere to stay or my Mum to take and collect me. Too late to ask.

I think perhaps I need to do something really good on 19 Nov 2025 to give the day a positive memory.

What was your relationship with your dad and SM like after the wedding? I think that plays a part in how you come to terms with that day.

Yes that's crap of them and that is still true despite the time that has passed. My guess is they were too selfish to make arrangements to accommodate you being there and just decided not to bother at all.

My friend's ex did the same to their son when he got married. When friend asked why he hadn't invited Johnny (not real name) ex shrugged and said "oh I didn't think he'd want to come".

Why do you say "would have been their wedding anniversary"?

Did they split up or have they died?

Sorry, I am trying to put your feelings in context.

Died - hence why I can not ask why I was excluded

Hmmm. I always visited them, they never travelled to visit me. Your question has made me think. Perhaps he was a crap Dad. But he was my Dad.