School mum only gets in contact, wants to meet for coffee for info about my child. Aibu to fob off?

[Thegraduates]

I have know this mum for a number of years. The Dc's are preteens. She has always been quite competitive as regards my dc especially school, extracurriculars. There was a pattern of wanting to meet right after parent /teacher meetings, exams & asking about my daughters progress in activities & in school. Then I wouldn't hear from her. It has started again & I have just said I'm too busy to meet. Aibu?
Has anyone encountered similar & how did you deal with it. DH is very level headed & can also see it.

I've had this. I got to the point where I refused to meet up. My child's progress was one of her business.

Isn't it so frustrating. My dd is good friends with this womans dd & the child is lovely thankfully. It's got to the stage now where dd can arrange her own meet ups & manage her friendships so I don't need to be in contact with this woman anymore regarding playdates/parties etc. (Dd is 12)

Of course you're not being unreasonable

If you don't want to meet her then don't. It would annoy me too

If you do not need to be in contact, then don't be. It is not as if the Mother is wanting genuine friendship from you. Her motive is very clear, and is entirely avoidable.

I've tried being evasive over the years but now the dc are older there is no reason to entertain her any longer. I thought petty competitiveness stopped after year 1.. We had parent evening a fortnight ago & I said to dh, I'm waiting for the text re coffee, lo & behold two days later she messaged.. I made my excuses & havn't heard since but it's frustrating!

Your dd will be arranging her own social life from now on so you can avoid these nosey types and just suit yourself.
That other mum sounds very insecure.

Yes that's it. Dd doesn't need me anymore to arrange meet ups & cinema trips. I just feel it's so predictable, anytime she wants information she texts or wants to meet for coffee.. Why do some people care so much about how others parent or how other peoples kids are getting on? It's so nosy & interfering..

Just lie and say you're too busy. Once kids are at secondary I found that parents just never saw each other (no school gate yay) unless they arranged a night at the pub etc. I still get together regularly with some of the primary parents (DD is at 6th form) because we like each other.

Assuming her child is at secondary, she really needs to take a step back and not be so involved.

Yes secondary now. I fobbed her off & said I was very busy with x,y, z, she saw the message but didn't reply.. Which is typical as she wasn't going to get information! It's just riles me..

I’d meet her for coffee - and then tell her ‘i
DD is too old for me to be talking about her academic + sporting progress without her consent any more’

If you don't meet up often, are you sure it's not just conversation filler? e.g. 'Ive not seen you for ages, How's Millie?'

If you are absolutely 100% sure she's only meeting you specifically to brag, then I'd just distance yourself. But maybe she's not and she is just genuinely asking after your children as part of normal conversation ...

No for years she's always asked to meet after parent evenings & report cards in the summer. Also after drama exams when her dd did drama with mine. It's so predictable. She never asks to meet for coffee except for those occasions!

Then I'd just say sorry your busy and don't meet her again! I have no idea why people do this. I also have a friend that just loves to tell me how wonderful her son is! I've got so bored of hearing it now!! Yes yes yes, I know he's basically in mensa, captain of the football team, heading to nationals for swimming and likely to get straight 8s for GCSE, Isn't he great blah blah blah!!! 🙄

The great thing about secondary-school aged children is that you don't have to spend time with their parents.

Yanbu.

it may be competitiveness but I'm guessing it's more insecurity - wanting to understand what teachers say about other children etc. But you dont 'have to entertain it. Absolutely just keep being busy.

I had one like this , would want to know all the ins and outs , I cottoned on and just would say getting on great , very happy and leave it at that . I had to stop answering phone at school collection time because she picked up and mine came on bus so would arrive at home later. She would hear all the school news from her kids about my kids very gossipy.

That sounds nuts! This woman wants nothing to do with me except after teachers evenings & report cards😁

I’ve known Mums like this. It gets worse as the stakes rise and they are competing for uni places etc.

I find vagueness helps: “O, DD didn’t mention that,” or “I can’t remember exactly!”

There was one instance where (let’s call them Katie and Sarah) Katie would text her mum at break time to tell her what she and Sarah got in a maths test. Sarah’s mum would show up at the school gate and Katie’s mum would want to talk about it and tell her what her own daughter got in the test before she’s even seen her daughter after school!

If you’ve told her you’re busy and she keeps badgering you for coffee, arrange to meet. Then, when she inevitably tries to draw you into a convo about it, just say “Oh let’s not get into all that — it’s dreadfully tedious and DC are far too old for us to be comparing their progress — they’ll all get there in the end! How’s your job/dog/allotment?” Possibly accompanied by the MN tinkly laugh if you’re feeling particularly vicious.

Thanks for all the replies. It just feels incredibly invasive..

It just feels incredibly invasive.

It is invasive especially if it is the only time she contacts you. If your DD is good friends with her DD I can see that it would be difficult to ignore her messages completely but I would just make an excuse every time and then forget about it. Some people are just odd.

Yes keep her vague Im so busy. My cousin message to ask what college my daughter got. Was brass necked as she had dropped contact. Yes op keep it vague hate competitive parents

This. You'd be quite justified in framing your response to these nosy questions around your DD's right to confidentiality about her progress at school. The other parent is only interested in harvesting nuggets of information for gossip or comparison and neither you or your DD have to join in. Your DD is growing up and having a say in who knows what about her is part of her developing autonomy. You may, at some point have to add a rider: that you don't want Jenny to be approached directly about her maths results etc. What Jenny tells other people about her marks, or how she's doing at netball etc, is of course up to her.