Is my husband gay

[Lucyjet99]

Married 24 years and although the sex has never been amazing we haven't had sex in 4 years he has stopped kissing me and when I told him I wasn't happy he just goes quiet. He has never shown any interest in women and even when we did have sex there was no passion. I feel so sad and have zero confidence 😢 I'm 50 now and don't know if u should just carry on in this marriage.

I think you have your answer by your husbands silence. You are young you don't deserve this.
I'd make plans to divorce as neither of you are happy. I'm sure you will find happiness with someone who appreciates and wants you as his partner in every way. Goodluck.

Maybe not gay but there is an issue

You need to have a serious conservation with him

I don't know if he's gay. It's possible to go off sex with your partner which it seems like he has. It's difficult to get that spark back.

He might have the ick.

Quite a few MNetters have said they love their DPs but have no desire to snog them or have sex with them, due to getting the 'ick'.

Could be anything. Doesn’t matter what it is.

Somewhere out there is a man who will make you feel good, don’t waste any more time if he doesn’t care about what it’s doing to you

Where's the indication that he's sexually attracted to men?

He could be asexual, have hormonal problems like lowered testosterone issues, be attracted to another woman...it's really hard to know without more details.

It could be anything OP (mismatched sex drives? Infidelity? Porn? Erectile dysfunction?) You need to talk to him about it, and if he refuses, leave him and find yourself someone who appreciates you. 50 is WAY too young to be writing off the rest of your life in an unhappy marriage.

Also, you haven’t said whether you love him. Do you?

Because he's not sexually aroused by you doesn't mean he's gay or even that he's cheating.

He may have a low libido. Try taking to him again and say that you are now at a crossroads in your life and need to know they truth about how he feels about you and why does he not want to have sex anymore.

Sounds like a low sex drive as you haven't given any clues as to why you think he may be gay?

It's difficult I know but is it possible to start a conversation about how you are feeling?

Years ago I found topless pictures of men on his phone. My best friends husband has said that he makes him feel uncomfortable on nights on by putting his hand on knee etc. He never gets jealous if I'm flirting with men. I told him I wasn't happy and that I think he should leave last night. He never really responded just went quiet. I wanted him to scream and shout that he didn't want to lose me but nothing

After years together I'm scared to start over. I would have no money and wouldn't know where to start.

Life is short, far too short to stick out a miserable situation. Are you sure you can’t afford to leave?

Well your update is much more informative.

Yes he probably is gay.

Good luck with your divorce. Plenty of women manage it in even more acrimonious or abusive situation so you can definitely do so. And the fault is 100% on him.

Start an escape plan!

In that case op, and part of me can’t believe I’m writing this, but would it be worth exploring staying together and accepting an open relationship? It may free him to pursue men if that’s really what he wants, and your living arrangements could stay undisturbed if you are generally companionable. I personally couldn’t do this, at least not with a heterosexual DH; but it seems to me if he’s gay that might put a different spin in it for both of you.

This.
Accept together that it's a marriage in name only and stop the pretence. If you can do that.
I'm not sure I could, with someone who deceived me for so many years, but I'm not you. I'm so sorry.

In fairness, it might not have been deceit in the stark sense.

Sometimes people aren’t fully in sync with their real drives and motivations.

I do understand it could be hard/ feel weird. But you would still have support for financial issues, security re needing an ambulance called … that kind of thing, which would be peace of mind on some fronts.

An open marriage could be a genuine option, I know a couple in the same situation and they are actually quite happy now.

Are you good friends with DH? Does he treat you well in other ways?

He may simply be a non sexual person.
I know adults of both sex that have quietly admitted they have never felt sexual at all.
There must be lots of people out there that are.

I don't think it's talked about often enough to be honest.

Are you essentially happy together apart from zero sex?

If so, would an open relationship work?

I'd say he's gay, yes, and possibly might have already had homosexual encounters?

What do you think?

Yes it’s the last group still “in the closet” really.

Have ever considered asking him? Have you discussed the photos he had?
Have you or friend ever let him know that when he touches her husband it makes him uncomfortable?

Yes, now is the time op.

OP you need to have a serious conversation with him and not let him get away with just staying silent.

There are many possibilities:

• he is not interested in sex in general
• he is in the closet and still wanted a family so chose to marry a woman. Now that you have had kids, he no longer see the point of pretending
• he is no longer attracted to you
• he has physical issues with 'performing' now that he is a bit older.

Your needs and expectations matter too.

You are perfectly entitled not to want to stay married to a man who has no sexual/romantic interest in you.

Or you might decide to stay in the marriage and allow each other to seek other partners.

Whatever his issue is though don't just allow him to leave you in limbo like this.