Resentment or is it unfair?

[Mumofboys8611]

My husband has to work away some weekends/days in the weeks during the summer months, he also has other commitments that take up some other weekends, and is now asking to take up another commitment that will take up one weekend a month (during certain months) that will include more multiple overnight stays. We have 3 young kids. I gave up a career or any chance of “freedom” to stay home to look after them full time, all breastfed so never had even a night away as youngest is still feeding. My point is… I feel like weekends are so valuable. Our kids want to spend time with their dad. And if I’m honest I like the help at the weekend too! I like doing it together. I don’t want to spend weekends on my own. My family aren’t near and maybe that’s an issue too…I have no one else to lean on at the weekends. This new commitment is something my husband really wants to do. He says it will also be good for business. Am I being selfish to not want him to do it? I do feel a little bit like I have no choice. I’m mum and that’s it. He says he wants my support but I feel like he is giving up valuable family time whilst our kids are young enough to want to spend time with us and if I’m honest perhaps I’m also a little resentful I can’t even spend a night anywhere! I gave up so much… why can’t he?

Without knowing what exactly he's doing I can't really say one way or another. Without doing the extra thing, will his business/work suffer/fail to grow? Do you have enough of a comfortable life now or do you need more cash?

more detail please

I think you need to expand more on what this new “commitment” will involve, and what the overall benefits to your family as a whole might be if you can. I did notice you said the word “want” rather than “needs” in terms of how your husband feels.

“Good for business” 🙄is it golf?

I absolutely see where you’re coming from, btw. I would feel massively pissed off too.

At best… What if he swaps this new thing for one of the old ones? One-in-one-out kind of thing?

you don’t say what these other commitments are though? Work? Family? Hobby? Pissing about with mates?

Is the new thing hobby or work related? I might be prepared to suck it up in your shoes on the understanding that any extra income it brings will at least partly go towards sourcing some outside help for you. If it's a hobby, he can wait until dc are older.

This new commitment is unpaid, it will just give him “good standing” - it will improve his name in the industry. I guess therefore helping business in that sense?

well as long as there's a weekend free every month for you to swan off & do your own thing, seems fair.

Yes sorry for being unclear 🙈 it’s sports industry, so away for main job, then away for a new side deal, this new commitment is coaching

If it's not tangible then I think it's a no from me. Or he gives up something else. While the DC are small.

You aren't being selfish. I think he is though. .
I agree with pp that if he takes on this new commitment he should be giving up one of his others.

I think you need to explain all this to him, and how you feel you are being abandoned and lonely. I don’t think yoy’re being selfish at all. He needs to remember he’s part of a family, and take part in family life.

How many hours a month does he actually see his children ?

Agree with one in one out. His young children and his wife sound quite a way down his list of priorities. Money can't make up for that.

Bloody hell, any excuse to be away.
Why on earth have you given up your career so he can behave like a single man?

Resentment?
I'd be absolutely furious at this.
Have a rethink.
Your sacrifice has reduced you to the nanny.

Seems it's always you giving and him taking. You've already given a lot and he wants to take more. That is not what "give and take" means.

If he's working weekdays and you're at home, it's all the more important that he spends time with the kids at the weekend. No one on their deathbed ever wished they'd spent more time away from their own kids for "good standing".

I would be raging. He is being extremely selfish.

He says he wants my support

Yeah. Funny that. So many men always want your support when they want to do something that removes any sort of support they might give you.

Why would he spend a weekend each month coaching people for free?

Is your family managing financially? If you are he doesn't need to work more. He could work all the time and have more money (or not if he isn't getting paid) but miss out on his children growing up. You also deserve help and support.

If your family does need more money would you rather go back to work and your partner takes care of the kids some of the time instead. You can help the family finances and get a break from childcare.

If your partner is busy all the time he risks you feeling like you want a relationship with someone that has time for you/the "if you separate you will get every other weekend off" type feeling. Over time he will be risking losing his family. Is he bothered about that?

@Mumofboys8611 he cant have it all… I’d sit down and work out together what you want your family unit to work and feel like, what you want your children’s childhoods now and at different stages to be like, how much time and meaningful interaction do you want from him?

so if you decide he can’t be absent for more than two weekends in a row.. or something like that - then he has boundaries on what to take on free and paid.

Id also point out as the children grow that you yourself might like time to follow up your own hobbies and interests - and will need him to step up.

and finally where is the time for you and him to bond and relax together. Collapsing on the sofa or bed next to each other when you’ve done three bedtime routines doesn’t count.

I wouldn't agree to whatever he wants to do because he seems to have enough activities taking him away from his young family. He needs to step up. You don't agree to have three children then bugger off at every opportunity.

He’s frankly taking the piss. I’d be furious

Dear Husband,

If the boot were on the other foot, would you be ok with me doing that? I actually think you're already taking the piss (which you clearly do). So it's a big, fat - can't emphasise it enough - no from me.

Yours sincerely.

I think you need to learn to start saying no.

When he works away at weekends does he have time off during the week where that becomes your weekend? As you are a SAHM at least this would give ye time together. Otherwise it's totally unfair.

Would one of your 3 kids be on the team he's coaching? If so then grumblingly, yes, if not, then not a chance - coaching takes up loads of time and I can't see how it could help his career tbh.

Obviously it’s not fair. But from reading your post, you are a bit defeatist.
Have you said that there’s something you really want to do 1 or 2 weekends a month or evenings in the week?
I know you are breastfeeding, I have bf 3 kids so I know what it’s like. But it sounds like you need to start getting something back and not continually giving things up.

We have 3 children and both manage to fit in hobbies and still have family time. There is no way I would be happy with one parent getting lots of time away with the other at home all the time.

I’ve just started taking up a sport one evening a week. If I go away for a weekend I need to take the littlest. When husband is here he will take the kids out by himself for an outing but most of the time wants to do family things, which is great, however I don’t get time to myself. He is here most weekends throughout winter. It’s mostly spring/summer his job sees him away over nights, no time taken off in the week to make up for it. A new other role sees him away during the days some weekends if he’s not working, but it is work still, so he can’t drop that. It’s this new coaching commitment he did last year and is, I feel, just another thing that will see him away again, even though he says it’s really not that much time, it’s September through to April one weekend a month, with overnights sometimes and saw him away for 2 weeks during a final last year. He feels he can’t walk away having been part of it already. I don’t want to have to ask him to walk away as it’s something he enjoys and wants to be part of, I just feel like the timing is all wrong to do it with small children.