NC but feeling pretty low. I'm 31, single, and have had a rough few years, a rough decade or so really (ovarian cancer in my teens and ongoing resulting mental health struggles). I'm also autistic and while I've built a relatively stable life for myself, it's nothing fancy - I work hard, but do manage to save up for the occasional nice holiday or treat because experiences matter to me. I'm 12 years older than I thought I'd ever get to be and lost so many years to illness that I try and claw some of that back wherever I can. Still love going out and having a boogie too when I can, I'm a menace when they play Cotton Eye Joe and I'm not sorry about it.
But lately... I don't know. My social feed is just an endless scroll of baby scans, nurseries and wedding venues. Friends who used to be up for spontaneous weekends away are now discussing school catchment areas. And while I smile and coo over their pictures, I go home and feel this ache I never expected to have and cry.
I always thought that I didn't want marriage and babies thing. But here I am at 31, finding myself longing for exactly that. Especially now I'm seeing more and more of my friends partner up, purchase houses and have kids.
I know I have a possibility of having a baby, I still have part of an ovary after my cancer treatment, but I keep seeing all these horrible posts about women's fertility falling off a cliff and "hitting the wall" at 30 (hate that phrase and everything it stands for - it's such a misogynistic concept, but it's still getting in my head). I've also always dreamed of moving abroad, which feels like another thing that might never happen now. I just want to get out of my home town so badly, but I'm anxious about that too, as my parents aren't getting any younger and my dad's health isn't the best.
I know there can be more to life than being a wife and mother. I know I'm incredibly lucky to have survived cancer, I fully understand I might sound spoiled, the second chance at life was a gift. I know some would give anything to have my independence and freedom to make my own choices. But AIBU to feel like I'm watching life happen to everyone else while I'm stuck in some weird limbo, throwing myself into holidays and partying to distract myself from what feels like it's missing while everyone drifts away despite my best efforts.
Would love to hear from anyone who found their person/started their family later in life, especially any other ND women, or who made big life changes when everyone said it was 'too late'. Currently feeling like I need some hope!
AIBU?